A couple of years ago I purchased a book entitled “The Art of Extreme Self Care” by Cheryl Richardson.  I bought it because I always felt tired, I was burned out, sad and well, just a pain to live with I’m sure, and I knew something needed to change.  Like a lot of women, we tend to give and give to our families, our work, our church, and very worthwhile outside interests but very seldom feed ourselves.  The book is very practical in that it gives you a new area to work on monthly, helping you to consider and plan to achieve personal goals within each area – a way to balance your life. Well, I like a good plan as well as anybody, so I started reading and became very inspired.  I could do this!  I could work on saying “no” to things I didn’t really need to do, (some of you are laughing right now), I could work on getting more routine in my life, maybe delegate more, and change up my living space (The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up was great for that!).

As I progressed through the book, however, things became harder and less tangible.  Some of these chapter titles were “You’re So Sensitive”, “Tune Up Time” and “Does That Anger Taste Good?”.  As I’ve read friend’s responses to other blogs I’ve written, I’m getting the feeling that some of these things may apply to you as well.  So, I hope you will indulge me as I share why these were so difficult and what I’ve been able to do so far to address them.

There is a valid reason why they tell you on flights that if the airbag drops down, you should take care of yourself first so that you can then take care of others.  It’s absolutely logical and I would never fight it.  But when it came to my life in general, I didn’t do that.  So let’s address my three hardest chapters, starting with Sensitivity.  I had been told my entire formative years that I was too sensitive.  I cried all the time about everything;, stories, movies, friendships, you name it.  And I would either get laughed at or reprimanded.  “Stop being so sensitive” is difficult when combined with physical and emotional abuse. So, what you do is stuff things in.  Sadness, fear, anger, all of it gets stuffed in so that you can appear to be what someone else wants you to be.  And when that’s recognized as being a positive thing, I mean, after all, nobody should ever air their dirty laundry in public, you display that mask to all of your other relationships.  Seriously, nobody REALLY wants to hear how you are when they ask, right?  For me, this led to a LOT of deep down anger which for years seemed to explode at the worst times at the people I cared about the most.  Which leads to thinking you’re a bad person. Which then increases your depression which Lord knows you shouldn’t have in the first place because life is pretty good, right?  Look at all those poor people out there who have it so much rougher – THEY should be depressed, not you.  So, I added guilt to the list and just kept stuffing and self loathing until I hit that WALL.

Which now leads me to “tune up” time.  When you’re depressed, the last thing you want to do is see anyone about it. I didn’t care if I ever saw a doctor again quite frankly.   So I hit the wall – well actually  several times, but the first one was when I sat on the bathroom floor looking at sleeping pills.  The second one was when my husband and I shared that experience with my pastor and his wife who actually listened to and believed my childhood stories.  The last one was fairly recently, when I found myself crying all the time and I couldn’t function, so I sucked it up and asked for help.  And I got it.  Without judgement, where someone actually listened and believed there was a problem and started me on a plan that has begun to change my life.  And what happens then is that you begin to want to live for a while longer because there ARE things you still want to experience and accomplish, grandchildren you want to meet someday, and developing those deeper relationships with family and friends.

And so this summer, for the first time in many years, I worked through the fear of finding a doctor and taking some care of myself not only mentally but physically.  I don’t believe the physical part would have been possible without having addressed the mental first.  I would still be living through that same cycle I had been living for decades and now finally there are windows of  hope and joy in my life.

I believe with my whole heart that God allows things to happen in our lives that we can learn from and in turn, help others with.  Taking that first fearful step with people I trusted has begun to turn my life around.  So, the next time I ask you how things are going, don’t be afraid to tell me the truth and maybe I can do something to help.  Maybe more of us should start airing our dirty laundry –  what do you think?