It began right as we started dating.  We had met at a party and per my past experience, I assumed that we would begin to date, call each other frequently and walk together to classes, yada, yada, yada.  Instead what happened was Band Day.  He was helping with Band Day and it was as if I didn’t exist.  What was this all about?  Maybe I had misinterpreted?  Maybe he decided he didn’t like me after all?  I was so confused!  But he explained (afterwards), that he was committed to working that day for the bands and so he focused his full attention on it.  Ok, I thought, I like a guy with a great work ethic.  I can deal with this.

The next summer we taught band camps to make money, some we did separately, some we did together.  This is where I really found out how important band was to him.  There was no fun time during rehearsals and I certainly couldn’t make suggestions while he was running said rehearsals.  I began to see where this might be a bit of an obsession for him and potential disagreements for us.  Still we continued to date, then we became engaged and finally married.  Four days after our wedding, we dashed home from our honeymoon so he could teach a week of – you guessed it – band camp for someone he had committed to.  I spent that week with my maid of honor in our campus apartment.  Surely he would get over this soon, right?

Our first son was born during – wait for it…. band camp.  Ironic, right?  I called Doug on the Wednesday of camp and said “guess what”?  He did take time off to take in the birth.  However, right before the baby and I came home, you guessed it – he left to teach another camp.  As you can imagine, the hormonal issues were crazy and this did not sit well with me.  And yes, he’s still hearing about it on occasion some 34 years later.

As the years went by, sons two and three arrived, one during marching season and I went into labor with number three while I was working with one of Doug’s kids during drum major tryouts.  I taught camp for twenty years with him, not because I loved the heat on the asphalt field, the sun burns or the exhaustion, but because it kept me close to him and the “mistress”.  I went to every contest, chaperoned every trip, took the boys to every concert because his passion was too hard to beat and quite frankly, I hadn’t found a passion of my own to follow.

And then something happened.  He decided to go to graduate school full time and I started teaching at the high school.  I was soon coming home late from rehearsals and music booster meetings while he was feeding the boys and taking care of the house.  One night when I came home late, he looked at me and asked “how did you do this for 20 years?”.  His perspective changed and it was certainly appreciated.

And so this man, whom I have known for almost 40 years now, as of today, has begun another band camp.  I’ve lost track of how many he has taught now.  My obsession with the mistress has subsided; after all, it was his passion for music and band that attracted me to him in the first place.  Not many people are fortunate enough to find that one thing that drives them like teaching band does for him and as I get older, I appreciate that more and more.  And now I’ve let go to follow my own passions which allows him to hang out with the “mistress” all he wants.

So, in the end, accepting the “mistress” has actually made us both happier.  That old saying, if you love someone you’ll set them free has been true for us.  We are both free to pursue our passions, grow as separate human beings and come together to celebrate each other and our accomplishments.  Here’s to another year as a band widow and may it be a great year for the “mistress”!