The little group of second graders stood up at the front of the room, ready to play their original piece for rhythm instruments.  Two of the girls walked over to me and whispered that their other little friend was afraid to play and asked if she could hide behind them.  The third little girl was shaking like a leaf and looked like she wanted to run away.  I asked her if it was okay for me to stay with her and help her and promised I would not leave her by herself.  She said okay and away we went.  She did a beautiful job and when she finished, the class applauded.  A big grin spread across her face so I asked if they wanted to play again.  With an enthusiastic yes, they played again, this time without my help.  She gave me a big hug and a smile and I told her how proud I was of her for trying something new, even if it was scary.  I knew she could do it!

I don’t ever remember not being afraid.  Afraid to get hurt, afraid of being embarrassed, afraid of looking stupid or being made fun of.  Standing up for myself was not something I was taught.  I remember being teased by someone in 6th grade and my little 1st grade brother came to my rescue.  I grew up thinking that men would take care of me if I needed it, so I didn’t need to speak up for myself, nor did I want to. I don’t think I can ever say I was bullied, (which I define as harassment by one person or group which occurs over a long period of time), except by a certain family member, but there were many times I was harassed in different ways growing up that I wish I had been able to nip in the bud.  I remember with embarrassment an incident at lunch one day as a freshmen in college.  I had gone to a local fast food place by myself, sat down and a couple of guys I didn’t know sat at my table and began eating my food.  Rather than tell them to go away or move somewhere else, I left them my food and ran from the restaurant.  I was so mad at myself for not saying something, anything, but I was afraid.

In my leadership positions, there have been times when I have been spoken to in patronizing tones by men, most of whom hold positions of leadership themselves.  I have been told I don’t understand, that something I believe is really not that important, that what I believe should happen in a certain circumstance is silly.  “Now Judy”.  It was almost like a pat on the head as if I were a child.  But I have learned that if I truly believe in what I’m doing and who I am, I can work to find the right words to get my point across, in the nicest but firmest way possible.  And those men have either decided to respect me or they have decided that I’m a pain.  And I’m okay with that.

I share these personal things, because as I teach, I see this same neediness, the same lack of belief in themselves and the lack of training in how to stand up for themselves in my girls.  So, it has become a mission of sorts for me.  It seems we’re always trying to help the bullies or harassers stop their behavior, but what if they don’t?  Why aren’t we teaching kids, especially girls, how to deal with them?  So many times, I have girls who will come to me in tears saying “he called me this” or “he said I’m stupid”, or “he won’t leave me alone”.   But dealing with this “kid stuff” is how they will learn to deal with bigger things in the future.  Instead of going over and taking care of the problem for them, I ask them a couple of questions.  For instance, “are you stupid”?  The answer is usually a “no”.  Then I’ll ask “what do you believe about yourself?”  “That I’m smart”.  Then I give them directions as to how to handle it.  March right over to that person, let them know that what they said was not okay, that you’re not stupid and they should never say that again.  And walk away.  I always reassure them that I will be watching so if anything happens I can step in, but I want them to have the power.  I want to watch that bully’s face when some little girl walks over and stands up for herself.

Girls and women both tend to stand back, wait for others to take the lead, and worry about not being liked.  Women are expected to be “nice” and while I believe you can be nice AND stand up for yourself, your ideas and your ideals, the problem is that others can get the perception that you’re too pushy, or, dare I say it, bitchy.  This doesn’t happen to men.  They are aggressive go-getters.  So, it’s important to teach girls skills that will help them sit at the table with the boys, deal with the bullies and not be afraid to try things that scare them.

One of my heroes is Sheryl Sandburg, the author of “Lean In” and COO of Facebook.  After reading her book, I really felt the need to help girls learn to “lean in” earlier.  Not that I’m making a political statement of any kind here, but it seems we have a lot of bullies in leadership positions around this country.  We could probably stand to have a larger group of women prepared to “lean in” who can stand up for themselves, their ideas and their ideals to take this country to a different, much better level.  And helping my girls is just doing my part to save the world. : )