Had an interesting conversation with the middle son tonight as I was struggling to find something to write about.  I usually try to remember something that happened during the day, but there wasn’t really anything terribly exciting to share.  This morning was like every other morning where, all the way to work, I tried to tell other people what to do.  They can’t hear me of course, they’re all focused on getting where they need to go, and I’m sure they could care less about me, but I feel this need to try to tell everyone to do what I think they should do.  Out loud. Alone in my car. They should use their turn signals, they should stay within the speed limit, (the key word here being LIMIT), they shouldn’t drive too slowly in the fast lane, they shouldn’t tailgate me.  I think you get the idea.  And it really stresses me out because there’s nothing I can do about it, no way to control someone’s actions other than my own.

So as we were talking about this, he pointed out to me that in my own little realm of the classroom, I am the AUTHORITY.  I  have the final say.  I decide where my students go and where they don’t go, I decide how loud they can be, I decide how long they can do something.  And yes, while I don’t have a lot of control as to when I have time to use the facilities, I DO have about 7 hours of my day where kids do what I expect – give or take a few of them.  And perhaps I do have some problems relinquishing that feeling of control.

It doesn’t help that I believe I have a pretty solid idea of what should be right and what should be wrong.  I blame my dad.  There is a certain way you should ask to use the restroom as in “may I’ versus “can I”.  There are certain ways you sit at a table when you eat, and it’s not with your knees in your face.  There’s a certain side of the hallway you should walk on, “the right side is the polite side”.  These are just ways of behaving that make us more considerate of others,  have a little more decorum, or in terms of verbage, are just better grammatically and more polite.   I’m sure the driving thing is all dad’s fault as well as I can hear him say very clearly, “the turn signal should happen before the brakes to let people know what you’re doing” or ” you should never have to use your brakes on the freeway if you’re paying close attention to the flow”.  Yes, I seriously remember all that stuff.

And this attitude can completely get in the way in terms of leadership opportunities.  Combine this attitude with a passion for an issue and it can be overwhelming to others around me and I’m sure it comes across as really pushy.  But again, I have an idea of what I believe is right and wrong and it’s hard for me to compromise there.  I have to say I’ve had some good mentors over the years who have helped me temper the attitude a bit by teaching me to listen more, but I still have this urge to take over the world when there’s an issue I feel strongly about.

But the irony here, as we all know, is that we’re never really in control.  Oh, we may WANT to be, but at any moment, within seconds, chaos may ensue.  Sure, I have control in my classroom until one of my kids decides to run around, touching everything, laughing and giggling about it while I try to catch them.  I think I have control driving until someone runs a red light.  I think I have control until there’s a natural disaster.  And then you realize God, or mother nature or whatever you believe is in control of the universe has all the power and you’re really NOT all that.

For me, watching things like the hurricane coverage and the fires out west just remind me that we’re not always in control the way we would like to be. and so maybe my little power struggles aren’t really what life should be about.  And maybe helping those who really are lacking control over their situations would take my mind off of those silly things I complain about every morning.  In my car.  All alone.  Like the Lexus driver not using his turn signal.  I know he has one. Ah, if only I could be in control of the world!