It happens every once in a while and not nearly as often as it used to, but today I’m in a hole.  It started by literally not wanting to get out of bed.  I think I hit the snooze several times and ended up getting up 45 minutes after the original alarm.  I finally had to do the pep talk  – “you’re an adult, you have to go to work, move your butt”.  Good thing I have a routine and a wardrobe I can just throw on.  Then it was getting lunch in the lunchbag, running through drive-thru for breakfast and arriving to school 10 minutes early.  Gave me plenty of time to throw down breakfast at my desk.  I spent the rest of the day immersed in my schedule, doing my job, smiling and participating in the daily routines.  Then I came home and sat.

I wish I had a way to describe “the hole” better, but for me it’s a period of time, sometimes a day, sometimes much longerl, where I’m just beyond tired, overwhelmed, depressed, and unmotivated, and it’s really hard to crawl out of. I don’t usually have any one reason that pushes me into the hole, but I tend to believe it’s a series of events.  At some point, there’s something that tips me over the edge and into the hole.  If I could anticipate it I would, but it just seems to trip me up every time.  I push and push and push and then whoops – there I go.

So, why am I writing about this?  Because when you’re in the hole, the hole is all you can see, so, there it is.  The worst part of the hole is that I feel this way and when I try to analyze it, all I can do is chastise myself.  I have this wonderful life, with a wonderful family, a great secure job with great people to work with, I have all my daily needs taken care of.  So, obviously I’m just spoiled and feeling sorry for myself.  Then I eat more than I should, and at some point pull myself out of the hole again, because well, I’m just being silly here.  After all, there are people suffering from effects of the hurricanes and fires around the country, there are people without work, homes – you get the idea.  I feel guilty feeling this way, so I suck it up and we try again.  Until I fall into the next hole.

So, earlier this year I was diagnosed with clinical depression.  I had felt this way – melancholy – most of my life.  I know my mother did too, but she refused to see anyone about it.  I made the decision this year to see someone.  After taking medication for a few weeks, the doctor asked me an interesting question – “do you feel normal?”.  What does normal feel like?  I had always, for as long as I could remember felt like I was forever falling into holes, so for me, that was the norm.  With the medication, I felt “different” for sure and not so anxious and depressed and it has worked well for a while now.  Until today.

Maybe I’m bummed because I thought I had found the miracle drug, the one that would make me feel good all the time.  This leads to so many questions for me.  Do I need a larger dose?  Have I mentioned I hate taking meds?  Is it normal for people to fall in the hole once in a while?  How often is once in a while?  My doctor recommended a therapist to talk to, but then that’s really admitting I need help.  Why can’t I just deal with stuff?

I don’t normally like to write about stuff like this because it feels too vulnerable and being vulnerable is scary.  I know there are a lot of people out there who feel like me and maybe they’re hiding too because they don’t want people to think they’re weak or that there’s something “wrong” with them.  I was inspired by an old friend who seems to have gone through his share of adversity in his life and he is bravely trying to share with others.  Maybe it’s a form of therapy, a way of taking away whatever “shame” someone else attaches to these feelings.  Because sometimes conditions like depression are so intangible and not something you can readily see, it’s easy to believe they’re just not real.  And I’m here to tell you they are.

So, while I always hope that my friends find my blog interesting, today I’m writing for me.  I’m writing in the hopes that it will release some of whatever this is today and allow me to jump out of the hole.  Because life is too short for me to spend it sitting on the couch.