“For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”

I was all of 20 years old when I married my husband.  Just slightly older than he was – by a month.  We were so young, he was finishing college and I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do in life.  He was focused and I was living in fantasy land, looking forward to being a wife to this great guy and SO in love.  Reality set in when we moved into roach infested married housing on campus, my scalloped potatoes were crunchy and the only place to go in our efficiency when you had an argument was the bathroom.  But we survived through graduation, and because he was the focused one, we relocated when he got his first job and the adventure began.

Baby number one arrived 3 years later and at the tender age of 23 we were parents.  I’m not sure we were really adults yet, but despite his long hours and me still trying to figure out what I was doing, we managed to survive not only baby #1 but 4 years later, a premature baby #2.  I think that’s when I began to grow a little more.

By this time we had a house. We were so immature and really had no idea how to take care of one.  I painted constantly.  It was cheap and if I got tired of something, I just changed it.  And my husband dealt with it.  We wallpapered the bathroom together.  I’ve been told if a couple can do that they can survive anything.  I was constantly changing jobs, but always found a way to stay in music.  So after 8 years of searching, I finally decided to go back to school, now married with two children. And the growing increased as Doug took over taking the kids to daycare while I took the bus to school. We moved for both of us this time, Doug for a new job, me for a degree.  And there were tense moments, financial worries, sick kids, and a surprise premature baby #3.

I had the choice to leave school again, but maybe I had grown up some.  I sucked it up, once taking the baby to class with me when I didn’t have a sitter.  But things would be better once I graduated and got a job, right?  No such luck.  I spent the next two years substitute teaching.  So with 11 years of marriage, 3 boys and a college degree, there was some growth for me.  And with 10 years of teaching, my husband was coming into his own career wise.  But were we one flesh yet?

It’s hard to do more than maintain when you are at this stage of life, trying to make a living, trying to raise children.  And it’s difficult when both parents are heavily invested in their careers, especially music.  Sometimes we struggled with who needed to take off to take care of sick children because we were so committed to our jobs, so we agreed to take turns.  It sounds selfish now when I write about it, but again, I think it was a growth/maturity thing. And I think I went through a time where I felt like my career wasn’t taken as seriously as his, so it made me fight for mine even more.

In an attempt to spend time together and with the boys, we took them everywhere with us, teaching them how to work backstage, set up and tear down, moving equipment.  Going to concerts and plays and football games, sometimes with a child in a stroller on the sideline at halftime.  Somehow we made it work, but certainly not one flesh.

This one flesh thing is difficult.  You have two distinct individuals with different dreams and gifts and somehow they are supposed to make life together.  And God made us that way.  And yet, we are told to become one flesh.  In order for that to happen, we both must be very aware of each others’ dreams and gifts and support those. Part of our survival as a married couple is that we’ve survived some pretty hard things together.  But there are still regular ebbs and flows in our relationship as each of us grows at different rates and  goes through life changes.  And that’s where communication comes in.  We finally learned how to talk about what we were thinking and feeling instead of trying to read minds!  Amazing how much this helps a relationship.

So now the growing continues.  We’re empty nesters with one exception and that one exception may be with us for a while.  More growing.  Doug is more in demand than ever in terms of writing along with his regular job and we’re getting used to that, making sure we make time to go on dates and checking the calendar.  And now, my travel schedule is ramping up, making it even more difficult to be together.  So how do we make it work after 37 years?

I think it’s the lifetime goal of trying to become one flesh.  It’s where we get to know how the other one is feeling without asking.  It’s anticipating their needs before yours.  It’s giving up or sacrificing something you want for them because you know they would do the same for you.  Because if you’re one flesh, what you do for each other you do for yourself, right?  At least that’s what I’m thinking.  And while we’re not there yet, we’re working on it and I see glimpses of that one flesh more often.  So, maybe growing separately is necessary to become one flesh.  If that’s the case, then we’re on our way.