Today I did something I very rarely do.  I made the choice to be alone.  Now I suppose for most people, this wouldn’t be a big deal, but for an introvert, this was big, because it wasn’t just choosing to be alone.  It was telling someone that I needed to be alone.  There is always this fear that I’ll be disappointing someone or not fulfilling someone’s expectations of me if I’m honest in my need for solitude.  I didn’t even realize my own need for solitude until I talked with a highly brilliant man, Curt Liesveld, who informed me that my strengths necessitated the need for me to have this daily quiet time to think.

And so, when I come back from a conference, like I did this past week, where every minute of every day is filled with people and DOING, I tend to come home overloaded and drained because I haven’t had any time to process.  I learned from a Ted Talk by Susan Cain, that introverted doesn’t necessarily mean shy, as most people assume, but it’s how they need to process the world, and that means requiring quiet and solitude.

So imagine my delight when the facilitator of the conference confessed that she was an introvert and then, she REQUIRED us to have focused quiet times to think, process and reflect on a regular basis during this conference.  The first time was awkward, much like my first experience with a theater class (“now, walk around in a circle and become a tree”), because we had to close our eyes and think of a word for some experience.  But the more we did it, the more I appreciated it.  It really did help me focus on what we were doing and what I was learning from it.  In fact, I was so encouraged by someone who confessed to being an introvert and who recognized that there were more of us in the room, that I had to see her during a break and say thank you.  And our ensuing short conversation solidified for me that she completely understood.

She understood my apprehension of having to “do” in front of others when I would rather just write and think about it.  You see, most people have the mistaken perception that musicians, artists and actors are just naturally extroverts, hence their choice of career.  However, a third to half of all people are introverts, so unless we’re dividing by career choice, that includes anyone in the arts.

On the last day of the conference, we were introduced to rising opera star Golda Schultz from South Africa, who made her Met Opera debut the previous week.  Our facilitator, Susan, lead the conversation and we learned that Golda too, was an introvert.  In fact, she was so introverted, that in college, every time she had to get up and sing in front of someone, she fainted.  It lead her to believe that this was NOT the right career choice for her, but her teacher disagreed.  This teacher believed that Golda COULD do it and tried to help her by making her perform more often in order to help her get “used” to it.  They even went as far as to have people stand on either side of her to catch her when she fainted. But what these people didn’t understand is that being introverted isn’t something we can change, it’s who we are, and you can’t force someone to become used to something just through repetition.  There has to be a change in mindset or something the introvert does themselves that allows them to proceed with the “doing” that they’re so uncomfortable with.

What Golda says changed for her was realizing that “being afraid gets in the way of service”.  She believes that what she has is a gift that she can bring to people.  And, as a gift, people can take it or ignore it, keep it or give it away, they can love it or hate it, but the gift remains.  And she believes in gratitude.  Gratitude for the opportunities she’s been given, taking time to think and reflect on what she is allowed to do for a living.  And so she explained how she wills herself to slow down time, making eye contact and taking that time to thank as many individuals as she can during her journey, which in return, overloads her with joy.

And so I sit here on the chaise, typing this story in solitude, recalling how I shared the words that sprang to my mind when I was directed by Susan as to how the conference affected me personally.  And they were – No Words.  Because I had internalized so many wonderful ideas and emotions, seen old friends and met new ones, heard and made beautiful music, had thoughtful, insightful, honest conversations, stepped completely outside of my comfort zone and watched creativity unfold before my eyes.  There were just no words as I had the opportunity to process everything that had affected me emotionally during those four days.  It’s now a day after the conference and I’ve taken the time to process enough to write about it. And that’s okay, Because I’m an introvert.