Ten minutes.  I swear it was 10 minutes that I just stood in my closet staring at the rack of clothes.  No one human being should have this many clothes, and a person with this many clothes shouldn’t have to take 10 minutes to choose something to wear.  And yet there I stood, looking at the same clothes, trying to decide what could go with what and feeling completely overwhelmed.

Like a lot of things in my life, I have a love/hate relationship with clothes.  I love shopping for clothes, despite the fact that I hate how heavy I am right now.  I love a change in seasonal clothing but hate that it has to get cold to do it.  I tend to shop at only a few different stores for clothes; once I find something that works, I stick with it and they all seem to mix and match pretty well.  But today, despite a full closet of clean clothes, I couldn’t make a decision.

The overwhelm has hit a couple of times this week, first at school when I sat with my to-do list and had no idea where to start.  It was exactly like the closet, only I was staring at the list, debating on what was a priority (everything seems to be), and how much time I had to do it that morning.  I finally settled on one thing, which I completed, but that was only one thing checked off of the list.  And like the clothes, my to-do list is all related, but I could not get past feeling too overwhelmed to choose.

A friend of mine told me last night that she doesn’t see how I get everything done and the truth is, I’m just barely getting it done.  I have a list of events/trips/major assignments in chronological order with any minor details attached to it.  Kind of a double to-do list, if you will. I literally have four calendars so that I don’t miss something.  I have difficulty saying no to things and I have difficulty not creating more things to do on my own.  I’m making promises I either struggle to keep or haven’t kept but they’re still on the list. I WILL get them done. So, I’m finding myself becoming a bit of a grump this week, fighting what feels like yet another cold, and trying to juggle plates on top of balls on top of poles.  You get the picture.

I was thinking that perhaps I could adopt the philosophy of the Joy of Tidying to my schedule.  In that little book, it instructs you to let go of anything that doesn’t bring you joy.  I did it with my clothes about a year and a half ago and wow was it enlightening. Part of letting go means knowing what you give up can perhaps bring joy to someone else.  So, is there the possibility that I’m doing somethings that, if I gave it up, would bring someone else joy?  The problem with tidying up your life is that it affects other people.  If I should, for instance, give up teaching, a big chunk of our income is gone. This could definitely affect other people in my life.  Who am I kidding?  It would affect my clothes shopping for sure!

This afternoon I was talking to one of our long term subs whose last day is tomorrow.  I told him I was impressed with what he was able to do with our kids and that maybe next year there would be an opening where he could join us permanently.  He looked at me, smiled, said thank you, but that he wasn’t interested in a permanent position.  He liked the freedom of subbing.  He was able to leave at the end of the day and spend time with his kids rather than have to do assessments, sit through staff meetings and go to parent teacher conferences.  This was a guy who decided that his joy lies at home and he has made a decision as to how he deals with his job in order to have that joy.  I found that pretty impressive.

And what I’m saying isn’t any different for any other teacher.  At my school we will have our second evening of parent teacher conferences this week.  Several of us have had or will have practicum students to work with.  Grades are due in a couple of weeks.  There’s a late after school flex meeting coming up soon.  We’re all in the same boat.  I just have to decide where my joy resides and pursue that.

I had a couple of close friends suggest to me that I might be an author some day.  While I find it hard to believe that I write well enough to do a book, writing this blog has been a source of joy for me.  The dream of writing a book or writing for a living is wonderful.  Not that teaching isn’t or hasn’t been great, but it is not always the source of joy it has been in the past.  And quite frankly, I’m getting tired of standing in the closet trying to figure out what to do.  Maybe it’s time for me to do a little research and see how I can get out of that closet and find another source of joy.