Yesterday I was standing in line waiting to board my flight.  The airline has you line up by number – I was A48 and the lady in front of my was A46.  Soon, a man walked up and said his number was A47, to which a third woman said, “oh, you’re right here”, pointing between the two of us.  “You mean I am between these two beautiful ladies? Thank you!”, and he got into his place in line.  Now, this man was at least my age, if not a little older, and there was nothing creepy about him.  He said what he said with a smile and was, I believe, trying to pay us a complement.  For some women, this might be considered harassment, as he focused on our looks perhaps, but based on the context of the situation, that’s not the way I took it.  So, was I wrong?

The thoughts and questions I am going to share may not line up with the way all women think, but I believe that is part of our problem today as women.  This is not going to be solved in the thousand or so words here but here are some of my thoughts for what they’re worth.

Yes, I have been harassed.  I’m pretty sure every woman has been harassed for something.  When I was in high school I was picked on by guys because my chest wasn’t big enough.  As I got older, I was harassed because my chest had gotten considerably larger.  I have had things said to me and shown to me, most of which I did not handle very well.  When I was younger, because I had little guidance, I dressed and behaved a certain way because I thought that’s what you were supposed to do to get a guy.  And that was the goal, right?  Most girls I knew were afraid NOT to do something because they were expected to behave a certain way.  But it didn’t seem to matter.  You were a prude if you didn’t and a slut if you did.  And neither described who I really was.

So my question is, what are we teaching our girls now?  There seem to be two different trains of thought here.  Just as an example;  1.  Women should be allowed to dress and behave the way they want and men just need to leave them alone, and 2.  Women should dress and behave more conservatively because you don’t need to show off everything you have and men will leave you alone.  Well, I hate to break it to you ladies, but men are not going to leave us alone.  It doesn’t matter if we wear nothing or cover up with a bag, some men will harass us for both.  It’s how WE handle it that matters.  And as women, we need to support each other, no matter what the individual decision is.  Whether a woman decides to show off their curves or whether she believes that more modesty is appropriate, we, as women need to support them both.

For me, this is a lot like dealing with bullying at school.  We spend all kinds of time and money trying to teach the bully not to bully and never teach the victim how to stand up for themselves.  It’s the same way with harassment.  If we all learned to stand up for ourselves, while at the same time working to educate others, then we’re killing two birds with one stone.  There are always going to be bullies just as there are going to be men who haven’t got a clue, but learning how to handle it is a huge step in the right direction.

Our biggest problem here is that we’ve struck up yet another cause here without real definition, and one that women themselves cannot agree on.  For one woman, a man commenting on their beauty may be a compliment but for another, it may be considered a reason for protesting in front of his home later.  How in the world can we get men (who, let’s face it, get confused easily), to see our point of view if we can’t even bring it into focus ourselves?

And I get the power struggle here too.  As a woman in leadership, I have been patronized by men on more than one occasion. I have sat in on conversations with men where they have demeaned another woman for being too pushy or bossy.  I’m pretty sure I have several men who talk about me that way as we speak.  But I’m finding the more I use my voice and thoughtfully say what I really think, the more I really don’t care what they think of me.  I have a mind and a voice and if I’m in a place where I should be serving or helping someone, it’s my job to say or do something.  I wish it hadn’t taken me 50 years to figure this out, but I’m I’m trying to make up for it by encouraging and teaching girls and younger women to do the same, only earlier.  Men can be intimidating and, let’s face it, they’ve been watching other men intimidate women for generations.  Only by teaching young women how to stand up for themselves and speak up can we begin to make a difference.

So, as women, we need to get on the same page somehow.  And we need to stay on the same page long enough that the things we are concerned about are changed for the better.  We need to agree to disagree if necessary and just support each other.  Whether it’s teaching others how to defend themselves against harassment or being talked down to, or making sure we speak up when we see things happening, we are only as strong as the support we have around us.  I completely realize that this little blog is barely touching the surface of the issues we face as women. However, until we begin to solidly support all women, no matter their choices and stop tearing each other down, causes like “Me too” will just be another time some women whined for awhile before the next crisis du jour rears its ugly head.