“Would you tell him to stop singing?  I asked him to stop and it’s annoying me.  Can you just tell him to stop?” 

“She keeps looking at me and it’s annoying.  I asked her to stop but she won’t.”

“He keeps following me around and I don’t want to be near him because he’s annoying.”

I teach elementary school, where this type of whining happens multiple times a day.  But this type of intolerance is typically coming from 6 and 7 year olds.  They still need to be taught to be tolerant enough to at least deal with the “annoying” person and make it through class or lunch or recess.

Tolerance is an interesting concept.  It seems that our current culture defines it as “as long as I don’t mind what the other person is doing, I’m tolerating them”.  But the minute they do something I don’t like, and it’s annoying, I expect them to stop.  Right now. For me.  Because it’s all about me.

It could be something simple like singing to themselves or as complex as their belief in something that sets someone off.  And some of it is just people who want to push others buttons, so they keep doing the “annoying” behavior or saying the “annoying” thing just to get a reaction. My husband occasionally does that on social media. And age doesn’t seem to matter.  I see this behavior in young and old, people who see themselves as the ultimate authority as to what is okay to do or say and what is not okay to do or say and they don’t hesitate to whine and cry and yell when the other person is not willing to change or stop for them.

I know that this sounds really minor, and tends to be a daily occurrence among siblings especially, but translated into grown-up language, this can be downright frightening:

“Make them stop talking about or doing things I’m uncomfortable with.  It’s annoying”. 

We’re seeing this on college campuses where all kinds of different thoughts should be explored, but depending on the college and the clientele, voices and ideas are being silenced because they “annoy” someone or “hurt their feelings” or “make them uncomfortable”.  This lack of even listening to another kind of idea or belief is what has gotten us in the trouble we’re in today.  Sure, everyone is tolerant if it’s something they agree with, but if it’s something they don’t agree with, silence it and make it go away.

I’ll tell you what annoys me.  People who don’t try to see two sides to every story or issue.  People whose misogynistic point of view doesn’t allow them to even attempt to walk in someone else’s shoes.  I get that you only know what you know.  But if you don’t attempt to learn anything else, I believe that’s what makes a person intolerant.  It’s what makes a person hide behind their wall and call other people names whose lives they will never be able to understand because they have not engaged in conversations, read about  or attempted to live as they do.  It’s so much easier to actually tolerate someone when you truly understand where they’re coming from.  And it’s easier to be intolerant when you don’t. I believe that in our current culture, we have these words reversed.

Are there things that annoy me?  You bet.  People who chew with their mouth full.  Loudly.  Makes me what to smack them.  People who don’t  load the dishwasher correctly.  Silly things.  And I’m more than certain that there are things that I do that annoy others.  Thankfully, I’m surrounded by people who act out of love and not fear or anger and they tolerate those imperfections about me, just as I try to do the same for them.

And that’s the real key isn’t it?  If we work to love people, ALL people, then it’s so much easier to consider them before ourselves. It’s the real definition of tolerance because, despite the fact that I may disagree with you or that you have a flaw that annoys me, because I love you, I can deal with or even overlook those things. As passionate as I am about some things, I need to understand that others may be just as passionate about something completely opposite. Is it possible to love them despite that?  It is something I work on.  In my family I have three boys.  Well, grown men now.  One considers himself politically on the far right, one a moderate democrat and the third an anarchist.  I’m not kidding.  How do they get along at all?  They speak through their love for each other as brothers.  And when discussions like politics get a little too heated, they stop them and will do something that reminds them that they are brothers first.  And they will leave each other with a hug.

And now, it is time to clarify something here.  This does not include those who have abused us physically or emotionally, or those we are not safe around.  Those whose behavior does more than just “annoy” but causes harm.  I believe it’s important for us to put some distance between ourselves and those who have a history of doing us harm.  I have done that myself.  In this case, it is not selfish, it can be life saving.

So, how do we change this destructive intolerance for others?  I certainly don’t have the answers, but I’m doing my best to help teach the little ones to be kind and care about others.  To get to know them.  To find things they have in common.  Because I believe that when you see someone as a person and not just a cause or belief system or a party, the labels tend to fade away.