This morning I’m dealing with a multitude of emotions.  I’m sad, in a state of disbelief, feeling helpless, and beyond angry.  I’m angry at a system and a culture that believes that if at all possible, the best place for children is with their mother.  And I’m here to tell you, as much I would love to stand behind this concept, there are some situations where this is anything but true.

The role of mom is the most important one in all of the human experience.  I wish I had understood that more when I was a young mother. Love, guidance and acceptance from the person who gave birth too you is essential to helping us become well adjusted human beings.  This is not to negate the importance of fathers, who also play a huge role, but there is something magical when a child has a trusting relationship with their mother.  I have to admit that I am jealous when I talk to friends who have or had great relationships with their mothers.  Not that their mothers were perfect – nobody is perfect – but the mother’s efforts to be the best parent they could be seems to have paid off.

But the problem is, procreating can be too easy for some people who were never meant to be parents.  For them, having a child is an unfortunate outcome of having sex.  The child is an inconvenience who gets in the way of them thinking only of themselves.  And some people, who never healed from the negative relationship with their parents, should never have had children themselves.  Without positive role models to show them what being a quality parent is, how can they keep from repeating the mistakes they grew up with?

I’m new to this whole foster grandparent thing, but I’m learning that the system can be potentially cruel.  Not to the mothers or parents, but to the children, in the name of not separating families.  While I had some very negative experiences with my mother, they pale in comparison to things some of these children have had to endure.  I have worked with children for years, some of whom have struggled with dysfunctional parents.  But I’m finding it’s a different thing altogether when you become attached emotionally to a child who might become your grandchild.

The waiting game for these children is ridiculous.  Most kids don’t have a great concept of time anyway and this uncertainty of where they’re going to be for a long period of time must be agony.  On one hand, they may be in a foster situation where there is the possibility of some peace and consistency and on the other, fear and inconsistency.  How could we as a larger community ever expect that child to grow up without issues?  How could we as teachers ever expect them to react to school in the same way as kids in a more positive environment?

All children have such potential.  In the children I have met so far, once you get beyond their anger and acting out, you begin to see their strengths and gifts.  You see the hope in their eyes and the unguarded smiles that show themselves when they let go and have some fun.  You see the gratitude they have for the smallest things; a good meal, a room of their own.  I get that life is not always fair, but if we have a chance to change something for a child, why not just do it?  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see where a child is suffering and where a child is thriving.

But it’s not that easy is it?  What happens when you permanently separate a child from their birth parents?  Do they feel like there’s a hole in their lives?  Is there always going to be a regret?  I can only see it from my own perspective where for so many years I wished my dad would leave my mom so that we would no longer be afraid.  And that fear lasted well into my adult life.  Children and even adult children, when they realize they can’t have a stable relationship with the adult or adults in their lives just want to find it somewhere else.  I will forever be grateful that I married into a family who not only accepted me as one of their own but especially for my in-laws who taught me what it was to be a good parent.  I’m pretty sure that without them I would have mirrored what I saw from my mother and there’s no telling who my boys would have become.

But for now, all I can do is support and pray for these children.  Let them know that no matter what happens, there will be people in their lives who love and care for them.  Making sure that I spend time telling them what great people they are, how much potential they have, encourage them in their endeavors and show how proud I am for any progress they make.  After all, that’s what an adult is supposed to do for children, right?