X-Files.  My first TV crush.  Pretty sure I watched every episode from day 1 to the end, in real time.  No binge watching on Netflix yet.  The theme of the series was Trust No One.  We watched the characters deal with events during every episode where this was their mantra and they approached every situation with their eyes wide open and some level of distrust.  They only trusted each other, and even then there were times when they THOUGHT the other person had done something to cause distrust, and it was crushing.  Because when you finally find someone or something you feel you can completely trust, it is devastating when you find out that person or thing has a flaw.

This last week there were several times when the issues of trust jumped out at me.  For instance, while stopped at a light the other day, I just watched the other drivers.  Everyone was basically following the rules, waiting for their turn, watching each other.  In order to not be scared to death when someone gets near you with their car, there has to be an incredible level of trust.  I am trusting that that skinny little yellow line is going to keep your massive dump truck away from my little yellow beetle.  That’s why it can be literally devastating when someone doesn’t follow the rules and there’s an accident.  There’s a certain level of trust that I believe never really returns.  I was in several accidents with different drivers when I was in high school and 40 years later, I still have the same fearful reaction when I see someone I think is getting too close or if I perceive that someone I’m riding with doesn’t put on their brakes quickly enough.

I also witnessed an awesome thing a trusting relationship can produce.  I attended a concert the other night where it was just a pianist and vocalist, both of the highest professionalism.  A good accompanist will follow every little nuance that the soloist wants to share through the music, but this was as though these two people were of one mind.  And when a soloist can trust their accompanist to that degree, magic happens.  You no longer separate the performers and there is no stress because you, as a listener begin to trust in the sound and just absorb the emotional message it is sending.  It was literally stunning.  Of course, practice, high standards and hard work contribute to this, but at some point, the performers have to let go and trust. I can’t imagine the high they feel after each performance.

I think this is one reason I dislike technology so much.  I can’t trust it.  One time you do something and it works just fine, and the next time you do exactly the same things and it says, no, no, no.  It’s like it’s trying to push your buttons while you’re pushing theirs.  As a musician/performer/teacher it feels like I’m being forced to embrace technology (because print is dead, you know), but every time I have to use it, there is that fear that I’ll be standing in front of an audience and look very unprofessional because the thing I’m depending on is so undependable.  And it has failed me on numerous occasions.

Relationships are like that as well.  What is that saying, “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me?”  That’s because after you’ve been messed over once, you should be wary.  Forgiveness for someone being human is one thing, but if someone says they’re sorry and doesn’t try to change their ways, and you put up with it, that’s your fault.  That’s why I think relationships like marriage are so hard.  If you believe commitment is more important than trust, than you may end up being used and abused.  Both are a two way street, but lacking commitment is breaking trust.  Trust is the key ingredient as it includes everything else.  This doesn’t mean that I trust my partner or husband to be perfect.  I trust that he is doing his best to be a good husband.

For instance, the other night we were walking downtown together after dark and crossing streets.  He insists on walking on the side where IF a car were to do something stupid, he would be between me and the car.  It’s not that I can’t take care of myself crossing the street, but he wants me to trust him to do his best to take care of me.  And that creates that magical bond, just like the vocalist and her accompanist.  We work together that way.

While trust is, of course, important in adult relationships, where it is most important is with children.  Because, just like the accidents I had have created a distrust in me concerning driving for the rest of my life, imagine what it does to a child to have an adult or adults in their life whom they can’t trust.  They have no other options – they must depend on adults to survive, and when an important adult in their life doesn’t step between them and the cars, their lives are lived in fear.  I spend so much time with children.  How many times have I said or done things, unintentionally to cause fear and distrust in a child?  I don’t know.  Like every human, I am flawed.  But I can work hard from today on so that the mantra of Trust No One is not something one of my kids ever has to chant.