We all do it, you know.  We use our powers of persuasion to make changes in our lives or the lives of others.  We do it so that others will see a different point of view, do things a different way, or change their behavior.  As a teacher, I use it all the time, attempting to persuade kids to try something new, step out of their comfort zone or change a disruptive behavior.  Persuasion comes from a place of love, concern or passion.  It’s the desire to see someone do something to improve themselves, an organization, a business – well, just about anything.  But sometimes we dip into the dark side of manipulation.  Oh sure, I use it with my kids when I say things like “I’m watching to see who’s following my directions and they’ll get to play instruments first!”.  But that’s really to save my sanity as well as get the behavior I want.

I grew up with the QUEEN of manipulation.  She would do something awful and by the end of her ranting would have you apologizing for something she did.  I have to say it was masterful. And having had such a great teacher, sometimes it’s easy for me to fall into that myself. It’s easy for me to manipulate a situation or person so that I get the result I want if I feel like I’m right and someone or something else is wrong.  Is that a bad thing if it comes out right in the end?  Yes, because manipulation doesn’t come from a place of selflessness or caring about something deeply, but it comes out of selfishness, wanting to get my own way and a lot of times, out of fear. Looking back, I believe my mother manipulated frequently out of fear.

A lot of time the manipulation came about because she was afraid of losing something important in her life or that her choice in lifestyle or priorities were questioned which made her feel inadequate and defensive.  She was not a self assured person, and looking back, I tend to believe she did a lot of what she did because manipulation made her feel more empowered.  People behaved the way she wanted and said what she wanted whenever she manipulated.  However, multiple people were also hurt in many ways, some for decades.  Even on her deathbed, she said things to hurt and manipulate in the hope that we would react in a certain way for a final satisfaction of some kind.  That was three years ago and I still think about it.  And it still hurts.

So again, I too can manipulate, but there’s such a feeling of guilt when I do it that I work hard not to do it anymore.  The solution for me is to find somethings that I am very passionate about that drives me to persuade others that it is a good idea or a good thing to do.  The feelings that come from seeing heads nod or having deep conversations with others brings a satisfaction I can’t describe.  I’ve shared many times that I am quite the introvert, but when a subject comes up that I’m passionate about, it’s as though I can’t keep the ideas from overflowing the floodgates and I need to share and/or fix things.  So much more satisfying and positive than manipulation and something that is so far away from fear for me.  And true leaders persuade, they don’t manipulate.

I think this is what angers me so much about our leadership at all levels today.  Everyone from social media to the news media, to our representatives and our President seem to want to do more manipulation than persuasion.  Maybe the art of persuasion is dead; I don’t know. They try to change our minds and hearts through fear and anger and you can see on a daily basis where this is going.  It’s one of the reasons I don’t watch a lot of news of any kind anymore.  I’m tired of people trying to manipulate me.  And if we the people, would just stop for a minute and think for themselves and act out of passion and positivity instead of fear and hate, the world would be a much better place.

As Kid President says, “Treat people like they’re people, people!”.  Kind persuasion brings about much better results than selfish manipulation.  It’s something I’m going to keep working on and something I’ll be teaching my students.  Perhaps the art of persuasion will make a comeback so that our children and students will live in a more thoughtful, passionate and compassionate world.