Personal growth is a good thing.  I’ve head that when we stop growing is when we start dying.  I also heard about a teacher who told his class that you start dying when you turn 25 but that’s really too depressing.  Anyway, so much of our personal growth comes from the circle of relationships we have.  No circle, no growth, no life.  The ironic thing is that  for a lot of people, you really don’t see that circle of relationships, or lack of, literally, until you’re gone.  One of the saddest funerals I ever attended was my father’s, not just because he was my dad, but because very few people came.  It wasn’t that he wasn’t a great guy, he just didn’t get out and develop many relationships.  Which means, he didn’t have the opportunity to touch others and they didn’t get to know him.

You see, my dad was a true introvert.  His favorite thing to do was to sit in his recliner, read and listen to music.  He didn’t like a lot of dialogue when he came home from work – he usually just grabbed the newspaper and read until dinner.  He was not one for small talk but loved getting hold of a subject and delving deeply into it.  For me, those were my favorite times, when we would have a deep one on one about something crazy like black holes.  Seriously.  So yes, he was a real introvert and he never stepped outside of that realm, other than to teach.   Did he like to be alone?  Yes.  Was he lonely?  I don’t know.  There were experiences he regretted missing, but those experiences would have meant stepping out of the introvert comfort zone.  It’s quite the internal struggle.

My circle of relationships have changed over the years as I’m sure many of yours have.  Growing up, I usually had that one friend, my best friend, whom I would hang out with for hours doing things I loved to do.  Looking back, this person always seemed to be the extrovert, the one who would push me to do different things, but not out of my one on one comfort zone.  Having too many friends has always been overwhelming to me, just like being in large crowds or loud parties.  So, as my life changes, the circle of relationships evolves.  There’s always this great sense of loss when this happens, again because I get shifted out of my comfort zone.  When I was younger, this was a little easier because I was usually moving, so it was more of a natural separation, but now that we’ve been in the same place for a number of years, the evolution can be very uncomfortable and sad.  It may not be that the relationship ends, but that it takes a backseat to what might be more necessary, current relationships.  Again, it sounds cold, even as I write this, but it is difficult for me to maintain so many relationships at that intense level.

My pastor once did a sermon on relationships, with circles for different levels and how those levels change.  It’s difficult for anyone to maintain a lot of deep relationships because they take so much time.  And I truly believe that there are people who come into our lives at certain times for certain reasons; to help us get through difficult circumstances, to make us accountable, to help us grow.  So, I suppose, as my life and circumstances change, so do my relationships. It seems that my extrovert friends are able to juggle so many more relationships than I am for longer periods of time and I find myself wishing I could do that.  But it’s all I can do right now to juggle what I have.

The good thing to come out of this however is the diversity of relationships that I’ve been able to develop and how it has changed my world view, especially in the last several years.  You think you know what you believe about things and then you develop a relationship with someone and it challenges those feelings and beliefs.  And wherever there’s struggle, there’s growth.  There are decisions to be made.  What do I really think about this?  How does my relationship with this person affect how I feel about and behave towards others? These questions sometimes challenge my political leanings and my faith.  They push me to learn more so that I can speak more intelligently on certain subjects.  And sometimes they just give me more questions to deal with.  What do I really believe and how do I act on those beliefs?  My plan is to continue allowing my relationships to evolve and perhaps I’ll keep growing enough to answer those questions someday.  Unless of course it just brings up different questions….