Seems I’m caught between two worlds.  The world of the old and the not so old.  It’s all in your perspective, right?  I mean, I’ve been told by my peers how young I look for my age while my students ask me if I’m a grandma.  There are days when I hop in the convertible and feel 16 and those days when I pull myself out of the car, knees creaking and I definitely feel my age.

I’ll be the first to admit that I still eat like a kid/teenager.  I’m all about burgers, fries and milkshakes.  I like my sugary cereals and anything vaguely looking like dessert.  Carbs are my best friends and I never met a potato I didn’t like.  And pasta – well it goes without saying.  But apparently my body is not handling those kinds of things very well any more and I see a big change in my future.  But I’ve been eating like this for a LONG time now.  It’s kind of ingrained, if you know what I mean.  If I were say, 80 or something, I would say, punt and just do whatever I want, however in all other respects, I’m healthy as a horse, and longevity tends to run in my family.  And well, I’m not sure I could deal with the possible “side-effects” of me ignoring this warning sign from my body.

So, apparently I’m too young not to change here, but I don’t even know where to begin.  I’m not stupid.  I know I’m overweight and that I don’t eat well and I need to exercise, but up to this point, it has been pretty easy to ignore all of that healthy stuff.  And honestly, I don’t feel any different, which is what makes this REALLY hard.

But maybe I’ve just gotten used to feeling this way, whatever this is.  I tend to put up with a lot before dealing with anything (i.e., going to the doctor) and try to take care of the “doctoring” myself.  And I’m sure I could make a difference in what is happening now if I just made myself eat better and exercise.  Sounds easy, right?  I’m an intelligent woman.  I know the consequences and I should just do it.

And here’s where I’m now understanding people with addictions.  You see, food isn’t just something to fuel my body, it’s my emotional fix.  I eat when I feel good, I eat to reward myself, I eat when I’m sad and when I’m angry.  Some days it’s the only thing I feel like I’m in control of.  Although in truth, it’s in control of me. If I don’t use food, what will I use?  Again, the easy answer is “exercise”. But it’s not easy when you’re talking an addiction.

When I was young, my mother used to brag on me in terms of how much I could eat and how I could always eat my brother under the table.  I was active then – biking, swimming, tennis, marching band.  The weight was not a problem so I literally ate whatever and as much of it as I wanted.  Well, the metabolism has changed a bit and the weight has piled on.  The knees hurt, I don’t sleep as well and I hate how my clothes fit.  I’ve even used my clothes as an excuse not to lose weight.  After all, I would have to buy new clothes and that would cost too much money.  The truth is I could lose some weight and be more comfortable in the clothes I already have.

Is this a first world problem?  You bet.  I’m blessed with plenty of food to put on my table.  But in this case I’ve allowed the blessing to turn into a curse.  Too much of a good thing I suppose.   I’m certainly not afraid of hard work but I feel like a kid and someone is taking my toy away.  I don’t know of any better way to put it.  Whiny and childish but truthful.

So where to go from here.  I’ll have to consider my frequent visits with my donut supplier at Amigos.  We’re on a first name basis.  He’s actually become part of my morning routine, so it’s not just my eating, it’s my schedule and how I plan my schedule that will need to change.  And I’ll try to remember that I’m not going to change everything at once, but it has to change.  Because after all, I’m too young NOT to change.  I have a lot more I want to do and accomplish with my life and I don’t want to jeopardize that.  So with help from family and friends, I suppose we’ll make the change.  And because it’s an addiction, I’ll be grumpy.  Not at anyone, but at the fact that I’m getting older and things change.  But maybe if I begin to feel younger, it will be worth it.