I know.  The title of this blog alone probably angers a lot of mental health experts.  As a teacher, however, I tend to disagree with the labeling of everything as a disorder.  Labeling in itself can have lifelong consequences for a person who then believes they have an “excuse” for the way they behave, not just a “reason” for the way they behave.  There is a difference.  The reason says I need to find another way to get around this issue to make things better and the excuse says I don’t have to try to make this better.  And certainly, something as serious as a “disorder” is the best excuse of all.  Remember, words are powerful.

Let me give you some reasons why I feel so strongly that defiance is not a disorder.  Defiance is a choice.  I can choose to say no to an authority figure, but there are usually consequences to that, so for most people, those consequences are enough of a deterrent to keep them from being so defiant.  If my principal were to ask me to do something reasonable within my duties as a teacher, to look at him in the eye and just say “no” is defiant and will result in some kind of disciplinary action or loss of employment.  That would be the expectation.  (Boy, that sounded like a teacher, didn’t it?).  And yet, somehow when an eight year old looks you in the eye at school and says “no” to a reasonable request this is different.  The reason I know there are consequences to my actions is because I was taught that.  When my boys went through a defiant stage, they learned there were consequences to their actions and if they didn’t want the consequences, they changed their actions.  So, somewhere along the line, these particular labeled children have not been taught that there are consequences to defiance and disrespect for authority.

Oh sure, it’s cute when your toddler says “no” for the first time and we may even laugh at them.  That sweet little voice, that scrunched up face – I mean, how could you even resist?  And when it keeps happening, because your schedule is so crazy and you don’t get to spend enough time with your children, and maybe you feel guilty because of it, you give in because you want the relationship you have with your child to be a positive one.  Or maybe you give in because it’s just easier.  You’re tired and rightfully so.  Just let them stay up longer than they should. But this kind of thinking backfires on everyone, including you AND your child.  You and other like minded adults have let the child begin thinking that all they have to do is say “no” and not move or throw a big enough fit and they can do whatever they want without consequences.  Not only does this begin a life long struggle for whoever has to deal with this person, it sets the child up for failure.  Finishing school, getting and holding a job, having a positive relationship with friends and family are gone.  It is not helpful to the child.  Period.

Several points to be made here.  First, we’re talking about reasonable requests.  I’m not talking about an authority figure asking the child to do something harmful.  I don’t think asking a child to make their bed or pick up after themselves is being unreasonable.  I don’t think asking a child to follow directions in order to learn is unreasonable.  Secondly, as adults, we are not the the child’s friend.  As a parent, my children were not my friends.  My job was to raise them to be responsible adults.  Now that they’re adults, we can be friends.  And they tend to appreciate the limits and expectations we had for them.  Not at the time necessarily, but they do now.  My job as a teacher is to teach my students to love learning but also to be kind, follow directions, etc.  These are life long skills, skills that will take them far.  They are not my friends, they are my students.  Thirdly, consequences are necessary but need to fit the crime.  I’m not talking about hurting the child here.  However, when my boys refused to pick up the stuff in their room, after a certain amount of time, that they were made aware of, I took everything that wasn’t picked up, put it in a garbage bag and hid it.  If they couldn’t take care of it, they didn’t get to have it.  Natural consequences.  Lastly, don’t get angry when these things happen.  I wish I had realized this more when I was younger, but I see how important this is now.  Being firm but kind lets the child know that this isn’t personal but an expectation of something they need to learn.  You still love and care about them, but you love them enough that you want them to be a good person, one who can survive the real world.  And you love them enough that they can come back to you and not be afraid that you’re always angry with them.

My kids who struggle the most at school are the ones who run up for a hug when they see me.  This should speak volumes.  They want approval, they want to be loved, they want to be taught what the boundaries are, they just don’t always know how to say that.  Being defiant, to me, just means they haven’t matured yet and need to be taught a better way to behave in a loving but FIRM way.  I cannot emphasize the word firm enough here.  I should probably put the word PATIENCE in here now.  You need to know that this is a process – sometimes a LONG process.  Being a parent or a teacher is not easy but being a kind, loving, firm and patient adult in their lives is so important and will make such a difference in the child’s life in the long run if you’re willing to stick with it.

When I work with student teachers, I make very sure that we talk about this.  Being fairly young people themselves, they can tend to react with frustration, anger and uncertainty when faced with a defiant student.  Teaching them to leave those negative feelings behind while still remaining kind and firm will help them in the long run and I believe will make a deep lasting impression on the students they teach.

Are we, and by we I mean ALL adults in the lives of children, willing to take the time and patience to invest in these defiant children in a meaningful, loving, firm, patient way?  Perhaps if we stop giving them excuses by labeling them and make them accountable for their actions at a younger age we can begin to see a change in our culture and the future of our country.