I had this grandiose idea.  You know, I was a relatively young parent, my first at 23, my second at 27 and my last at 30.  I was, to put it mildly, clueless.  The example I had grown up with of what parenthood should look like was greatly flawed and I fell right into what I knew. I learned more as I got older, but I have always felt guilty about my early parenting skills. So, back to the grandiose idea.  When my son and daughter in law made the decision to only work to adopt one child, I thought, Doug and I could adopt, right?  After all, I think I would make a much better parent now, and maybe I could make up for all the mistakes I made in the past right?

But this past weekend we kept our foster grandson overnight and he caught the flu.  And I remembered how hard it was, being so very responsible for someone, trying to make good decisions for someone’s life and just how plain exhausting it was.  It was a great reminder as to why lives have seasons and that season of my life has come and gone.  As much as I THINK I would like to step into the past a little, the truth is, I really don’t.  What is done is done and looking back does not help.

The great thing about life is that we DO get the chance for the occasional do-over.  I DID end up going back to school and finishing my degree after I quit the first time.  I also wasted time, sitting and feeling sorry for myself for awhile, looking back and regretting my decision, but then I decided to step forward into the future and do something about it.  The past can certainly be the impetus to go forward, but dwelling in the past can be a dangerous place to be.

All of the “I wish I hads” and “I should haves” don’t do us a bit of good.  Maybe you should have done something different, but what are you doing now?  Maybe your additional life experience is pushing you into a completely different direction than you would have taken before.  You never know.  Relationships for me are the big “what ifs” for me.  What if I have behaved this way or said this or been afraid to make a move?  Would it have changed my trajectory in life, would I have ended up with someone else, somewhere else, doing something else?  It messes with your mind a bit when you think about this, knowing that some people wouldn’t be here now if you hadn’t made the decisions you made, that some people wouldn’t have been touched in a positive way because you were there at the right time and that you would have probably missed some great people in your life.

As the control freak you all know I am,  it has always been hard for me to let go and let God.  As I’ve gotten older however, I think I’ve learned to listen better to that still small voice.  Or for me, because it’s ME, sometimes it has to be a booming voice that pushes me in another direction.  And I’ve also learned to lean on a special scripture;

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.

It says nothing about dwelling in the past, only of hope and a future.  That has helped me so many times when something has not gone my way or when I start regretting things that have happened in the past or start dwelling in the dark recesses of my past.  I still have a future, with plans to prosper me and not to harm me.  It doesn’t say it will be easy and it doesn’t say I’ll always agree, but this is where the faith and trust part comes in because someone else much wiser than me can see the big picture.  To look forward into the future with hope is a wonderful thing – it takes quite a bit of the stress away.

I know now that trying to step back in time and become a parent again is not the road to take, but I CAN be the best grandparent I can be, maybe using some of the lessons learned to help a pair of new parents.  It’s a new season, one with new plans and new adventures and certainly no time to dwell in the past!