Expectations.  Whether real or perceived, they can influence decisions you make about your life  If people you admire and trust tell you that you’re great at this or that or have great potential, you tend to pursue whatever that is.  At least I do. The problem is, no matter how well intended,  while someone might see something you do well, they may not see where your true passions lie and if you are not a strong person, strong enough to stand up for what you really want, you can become swayed by those well meaning friends, family or mentors.

At a very young age, I became a pleaser and I was quick to latch on to people who reacted favorably to things that I did.  It didn’t matter what it was, whether it was intellectual or not.  My dad would share his music with me, so I would find things I thought he would like so we could share that together.  My mother would marvel at how I could eat my brother under the table, so I would try to impress her with how much I could eat.  My reading teacher would compliment me on how well I could read and I would try to impress her with how many books I could read.  I volunteered to reorganize the music library in high school and the more my band director complimented me, the harder and faster I worked.  Anything I needed to do to get noticed or get complimented, I did, whether I really liked doing it or not.

It’s how I got into music.  I so wanted to please my high school band director and the students I admired that decided I wanted to be a high school band director. I wanted them to be proud of me.  It soon became an expectation, maybe perceived, but an expectation nevertheless.  When I left college because I just couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do, I felt like a complete failure and that I had let everyone down.  But the truth is, I had never really made a decision for myself as to what I wanted to do.  I never felt that I had any other options. When I eventually went back to school, it was practicality that took me back to music because it would take the least amount of time to get the degree.

Not that I haven’t been relatively successful or committed to what I do, and I absolutely believe with every fiber of my being, in the power of music and that it should be a part of every child’s well rounded education.  I had a ball participating in band from 5th grade through college and have some of my best memories and friends from that activity.  However, if I had it to do all over again, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have done what I’m doing as a career.  You see, I have something to confess.  I admit that I’m a pretty smart person, just smart enough to be able to fake things pretty well.  I never had to study for the ACT or the MAT, I just happen to test well.  It got me into undergrad and grad school without any issues.

So, here I am after a career in music education, nearing retirement and realizing I have been chasing ghosts my whole life.  I’ve been trying to live my life for everyone else for so long that I don’t really know who I am or what I really want to do.  I still have people whom I greatly admire who tell me what they think I should or shouldn’t be doing and I still find myself wanting to please. I still have enough pride in myself that I don’t want to do things half way, but there’s no real passion behind it.  And like testing, I can always make things work, I’m just not the teacher I always believed kids deserve.

Even as I write this, I have a feeling there will be people who will be disappointed in me and that worries me.  Here I am, representing the profession at the state and national level and this is how I feel?  This is where I’m going to sound like I’m contradicting myself.  I don’t believe teaching is where I need to be, but I LOVE advocating for music education, I love getting together with others to talk about the direction of music education and helping young teachers.  I love working to find solutions to things and learning leadership skills. I never would have discovered this or had the experiences I’ve had in recent years if it hadn’t been for teaching and meeting those people who encouraged me or recommended me to do these things.  Ironic, huh?

Again, I go back to the God thing.  He knows the plans He has for me.  Maybe I was meant to take this long, winding, road to finally begin to figure out what I’m supposed to do for the rest of my life.  Learning to stop chasing the ghosts of the past, and to start listening to my inner voice for my future.