Tomorrow marks the 5 year anniversary of my mother’s passing.  As I sit and contemplate my life since that time, unlike most of the people I know who are dealing with the loss of a parent, I find myself in a much better place.  When I hear of a friend who has recently lost a parent or talk to someone who remembers their parent with great love, I’m a bit jealous, but also a bit clueless.  Having never felt that way before, even though I feel like I should, it’s hard for me to relate.

My separation from her began about five years before she died, which was right after  my dad passed away.  Dad was a good man who worked hard and loved us, even if he didn’t always know how to show it.  We shared a great love of music and it was hard when he died.  I admit I was a horrible daughter because I didn’t see him very often before he died, but we lived here and they were in Kentucky, and well, I had to deal with my mother when I went.  It would take me days to recover mentally after seeing her, and migraines always erupted when I visited.  We traveled to the funeral and the final straw was when my mother wouldn’t let my brother be a pallbearer and would not let him ride in the car with the family.  One of my sons stepped up and said it wasn’t right to do that so he gave up his place for my brother.  She didn’t dare say anything to her professed “favorite” grandson (at least to me), so it worked.  However, when she placed a picture of my dad with his great-grandchild next to the casket, the grandchild my brother had never seen or met because of interference from my mother, that was it.  I had had enough of her cruelty.  And so I stepped away for the last five years of her life.

I would love to say that seeing her right before she passed was a great exercise in reconciliation and forgiveness, but it was not.  Not even close.  So when she passed away, once the obligations were finished, the weight of her began to lift.   I’ve always been concerned that people would consider me heartless, but I don’t think I am.  I think I finally made the decision to protect myself and stand up for my brother as well.

So how have things changed?  Well, I don’t hear her in my head as much anymore, although occasionally I’ll hear her voice say something that will take me back temporarily.  I’m usually able to talk myself out of it pretty quickly now, remembering all the blessings I have in terms of family, friends and circumstances.  People who have always treated me more kindly than my own mother ever did.

Forgiveness is something that has come slowly but surely.  There was just so much anger and fear before and now, as I can look more objectively at her as a person and not just my mother, I understand that there were things in her past that contributed to her behavior, most of it coming from fear, frustration, insecurity and uncertainty.  I just happened to get in the way.  And so yes, I have things in my head that are hard to forget, but looking at them through the eyes of forgiveness and working to look forward instead of to the past has propelled me onward.

Instead of her voice in my head telling me I’m a failure, I have proven otherwise.  Still learning, yes, but failure now is just a sign of trying.  Instead of her voice telling me I’m clumsy, or my teeth and nose are too big or my hair is too scraggly, I look at myself now and know God created me to be unique and this is who I am.  Some days are better than others, but it is what it is, right?  Her voice said my marriage would never last a year because I was too immature.  This year will mark 38 years with my best friend.  Maybe she was just projecting her fears on me, but I will not allow her to do it any longer.

However, the greatest thing I’ve received is peace.  The fear is gone.  I don’t have to fear her words or actions anymore and I’ve learned not to allow any other toxic person into my life.  I believe that we need to have times of real struggle and heartache in our lives in order to feel gratitude for the magical times experiencing life with wonderful people.  Time can be a teacher, and the last five years have taught me that the best is yet to be.