Just when you think things can’t get more ridiculous in terms of educating young children, I read an article the other day about a preschool in Massachusetts who is banning the words “best friend”.  They believe the term excludes other children and leads to the development of cliques and outsiders.  Heavy sigh….

At a time when children are developing socially, yes, it is important for them to learn to include others and to be kind.  However, for just about everyone, there’s that one person that we just “click” with.  The one who feels like a kindred spirit, who understands all of our quirks, perhaps shares a few of those quirks themselves and likes us anyway.  Can you imagine a world without your best friend?

And whoever said everyone has to like everyone?  That’s not to say that we shouldn’t be kind and considerate and learn how to get along with everyone, but there are going to be those people in life that you disagree with, that rub you the wrong way, or that you’re uncomfortable with.  A great life skill is learning how to get along with and perhaps work with this person if need be, but it doesn’t mean they have to be your friend.  Teaching kids to be empathetic and pushing them into relationships are two different things.  Yes, we need to make kids aware of those who feel isolated or alienated and teach them how to show kindness, but telling the child they have to be friends with everyone and can’t have a best friend just makes no sense.

I will agree that I have seen some of my students struggle when a perceived “best friend” decides they want to play with someone else.  Again, it’s a learning experience and a time where an adult can say to the child that it’s okay to share friends with other people.  It doesn’t mean that you aren’t their friend anymore, it just means they might want to hang out with someone else for awhile.  A difficult concept for a child, but also an opportunity for learning, if we allow it.

What this article says to me also is that we are allowing children to wallow in their insecurity and focus more on themselves than on others.  It’s hard when the cute little blond with the ponytail or that little boy with the puppy dog eyes comes up to you and they’re just so sad that their friend has chosen not to play with them today.  I believe our first instinct as adults is to fix it for them, which usually means telling the other kid to play with them.  However, there ARE other options.  Maybe we teach them to find another child playing by themselves and start a conversation.  Or we teach them the concept of sharing our friends or how to verbalize to their friend how they feel and help them work it out themselves.  It’s important to teach them that they can be independent AND have a best friend.

Kids very quickly figure out the kids they don’t want to hang out with and surprisingly it’s not usually what we might consider to be the quirky kid.  Kids figure out who the mean kids are, the ones who get physical and say awful things to them and they just don’t want to be with them.  I’m not sure this is such a bad thing.  Kids are protecting themselves from someone who can harm them. The problem is, once that child who is struggling is perceived this way, it is even more difficult to get other children to feel empathetic towards them.  It’s a bit of a catch 22 in that the angry, mean child, when excluded will get even more angry which pushes the other children away again.  And I understand the concern all too well.  Will this kid be the one who grows up to come back and take things out on those same kids who excluded him or her?  Or should adults in this child’s life have worked harder to help them develop the kinds of traits that others want to be around or even better, help them deal with the anger issues?  It takes a long time to build up trust with someone once they’ve been hurt but it can be done and relationships can be built.  But until that trust is rebuilt, there is nothing that says they have to be friends.

I can think of those best friends I’ve been lucky enough to know throughout my life, who have been there just when I needed them and I hope they felt it was mutual.  But I can also think of those people who lost my trust, who hurt me and  made me feel small and it was okay to let them go.  It took me a long time not to feel guilty for letting some people go or walking away from them.  It’s up to me to decide who I need to have around me and if I want to call them my best friend, then so be it.  It’s important that adults teach children how to develop healthy relationships, kindness and empathy towards others, but also that it’s okay for them to chose who they want to be with.  Even if one of them is a best friend.