I’m not sure really where the whole hummingbird thing came about.  I remember referring to my maternal grandmother as Hummingbird Grandma and when Doug and I were newly married, we referred to ourselves at Bushman and Hummingbird.  Strange, I know.  We also had matching shirts that said “Super Cute”, but that’s another story. Anyway, I’ve always had a thing for hummingbirds.  And according to an author I like, my personality can be described as a Hummingbird as I flit from one idea to another.  My problem is, if I actually acted upon each of the ideas I flit upon, what in the world would my life look like and what would people think?

I ask this because I had an epiphany this morning about the next project I want to try.  I’m not going to go into detail here because I want to talk to a few people first, but when it popped in my head, I got that wonderful sense of excited butterflies in my stomach.  See, hummingbirds and butterflies.  it’s a great combination.   The problem is, then I begin the, “how practical is this?  How much money would it cost?”  Yada, yada, yada.  Fear of the unknown eventually creeps in and while the idea might be nice, maybe life changing, maybe there are better ways to spend my time and money, even though the thought still gets me excited.

I currently have another project, one not quite so major as the one mentioned previously, and that is to create a “she space” in the apartment, just for me.  After 34 years of living with all males, I just want some frilly, colorful, girly space just for me that they won’t want any part of.  A place for my books, my turntable, flowers and my tea set, a place to read and write without interruption.  I have the vision in my head of exactly what I want and have actually researched and window shopped for the things I want.  And it’s not that I can’t afford what I want.  It’s just that as soon as I find something I really like,  I find something else I really like, and then I can’t make up my mind because I know once I select it, I’m going to be stuck with it for a while, for practical reasons, of course.  A ridiculously annoying first world problem.

Many times in my life I have made the decision not to get or do something that was screaming at me and later, when I would go back or change my mind, the opportunity or item was gone and I would regret it.  Some things I could definitely live with.  After all, an item is just a material possession.  But an opportunity is something else.  I’ve worked really hard the last several years to go for things when the “hummingbird” instinct hits and have been fortunate to pursue several of those.  But I still struggle with thinking others might see me as pushy or thinking I’m “all that”.  And it’s not like that at all.  It’s just the prospect of trying something new gets me excited.

And then there’s worry about people making fun of me for trying something they perceive as silly.  I don’t know why this bothers me, other than I can remember being told many times growing up that what I wanted to do wasn’t practical or wasn’t very smart.  I was also told many times there was something wrong with me because I was always changing my mind, whether is was my major in college, or how I rearranged my room or how long I dated someone.  When something or somewhere doesn’t feel right, I tend to get out of it as soon as I can but it caused some to call me a quitter or a failure.  I don’t think I am either of those, but when I find myself searching for something different or changing my mind about something, I hear those words in my head.

So, speaking of silly, here’s a silly dilemma.  I have been coloring my hair for about 30 years, give or take a year or two.  I started going grey very early and going grey in your 20’s wasn’t nearly as trendsetting as it is now.   I’m now at an age where it’s not just grey, it’s white and I continue to color it because I don’t want to be perceived as “old”.  I may be “older“, but I don’t feel “old” and I don’t want to look like it if I don’t have to.  However, lately I’ve thinking of doing something fairly drastic, like going trendy with the grey.  And then the next day I change my mind because I’m afraid.  It’s just hair after all.  Silly, but part of the daily thoughts of a hummingbird personality.

There are many times I wish I had just one passion I could pursue, but there are just so many things to do and experience in this life that I can’t settle on just one.  For some, they may think of me as a “jack of all trades, master of none”, but I’ve found that I can always find a connection or use for the experiences I’ve had.  That’s what I’m hoping as I’m thinking of this new opportunity that has popped into my head.  My hope is that my years of experience doing many different things will pay off and connect me to what I want to try next.  And if not, I’ve learned something new I suppose.  It’s just so hard being a hummingbird!