I’m confessing.  This morning, in the drive-thru of McDonalds, I was convicted.  Sitting in my car in an unusually long line moving very slowly I thought, you know, if I were working there, I bet I could fix this.  It’s a simple issue of creative management and trouble shooting.  I worked at McDonalds once so yes, I could definitely fix this.  I wasn’t angry – maybe because I wasn’t in a hurry – so I just cheerfully looked at Facebook on my phone until it was time to move again.

When I reached the first window, I could see there was an issue of some kind as she took my card, politely did her job but kept stepping slightly around the corner looking at something.  When I arrived at the second window, where there was a “We’re Hiring!” sign,  I could see the problem.  A very flustered man with many drinks and bags was trying to figure out what went with what.  He asked a co-worker where the smoothie was, which was sitting right there on the counter, before checking my bag and handing them to me.  His face showed the confusion and stress, as if he were expecting people to be angry with him when they drove up.  It took me back to when my kids were very little and we went through a similar drive-thru experience, and the little voice of my middle son piped up and said “first day on the job!”.  Remembering that, I smiled and thanked him for my breakfast and left.  But as I left, I felt that conviction.  Was I wanting to fix something or was I wanting to help someone?

I’m a fixer.  I want to fix things and situations and people.  I’ve always been that way.  I remember being a kid and when something would go wrong or break, it was a challenge to fix it and it made me feel good about myself.  My goal is to make things right or better.  But why?  Is it because I really want to help someone or is it because I want recognition for fixing something?  Like this morning, after thinking about it, I didn’t really want to help them, I wanted to show them how it’s done.  Pretty egotistical, huh?  Like I have all the answers.  And quite frankly, sometimes I DO have the answers, but if the help is given from an “all about me” standpoint and not from a place of caring, is it right?  Hence, the conviction.

However, it’s just hard sitting there and watching people make things harder than they need to be. It’s hard watching a marching band rehearsal and not get down on the field to fix a path for someone that would fix the form. (Sorry Doug – I have issues). It’s hard to watch someone in a bad relationship and not want to fix it. Or interfere, if that’s what you want to call it.  It’s hard when you’ve invested so much of your life into something important to you and you watch someone else step in and turn everything upside down or neglect it and you just want to ask, why did you do that?  I had it fixed! As a teacher, I see a child who is struggling and I think, if I could just take that child home, I could fix that.  I don’t think I’m being unrealistic about this kind of thing, I know things take time, persistence and consistency, so when I’m certain that I can fix something, I understand the reality.  But again, does that certainty come from a place of ego or from experience?  Maybe a combination of both.

One of the things I love to do is work with a student teacher, but again, that need to fix things sometimes gets in the way. The student teaching experience should be a time where they can experiment and discover, and sometimes that comes through failure.  So here I am, sitting at my desk, watching and thinking, “I could fix that”, and I could.  But how is that young teacher going to learn if I insist on stepping in all the time and doing it my way?  Okay, I do step in once in a while, but I AM responsible for the class.  Instead of stepping in, I try to make mental lists of things and we talk later. This way, I have physically removed myself from any “fixing” that needs to be done and it allows someone else to do the fixing.  And it’s so hard.  But I think I turn out better student teachers because of it.

Maybe there are worse things in the world than the need to fix things the way I think they should be fixed.  Maybe I need to stop and really make sure I know what’s going on before I assume something even needs to be fixed. Maybe if I make sure that my heart is in the right place before I volunteer or step in to fix something it won’t be so bad.  It won’t change overnight, and I’m sure I’ll still have those days when I’ll think, “if they would just let me be in charge I could fix that!”.  But in the meantime, I’ll remember my conviction this morning and maybe someday learn to let it go.  Unless it really needs to be fixed : )