Schools are noisy places.  Obviously when you throw together hundreds or even thousands of children or teenagers in one building, it’s going to be noisy.  And then there are those sheer numbers of children, all laughing, talking, and shouting, especially at this time of year. It doesn’t help that I teach one of two activity classes either.  I would love to say that I get some quiet during lunch, but with my room right next to the cafeteria, that doesn’t happen.  So, as the school week comes to an end, so does my tolerance for all the  noise.

I’ve always been sensitive to noise but it wasn’t until several years ago that I figured out that I needed to create quiet times, those deliberately chosen times to get away from everyone and everything.  It actually became more pronounced when I began traveling with colleagues to conferences where I just seemed to be with someone all the time.  I could feel my stress levels rising and even began getting migraines.  So I began to be a little anti-social, going to breakfast by myself, going to my hotel room to read or just saying no to social gatherings at the end of the day.  Fortunately these colleagues are great friends and after explaining, they were very understanding.  I don’t know if this is always the case with others.

So here is where the guilt comes in.  When I take needed time for myself, I can appear antisocial to people I really like and care about.  Today was one of those days.  I had three offers of things to do today after school.  One was a social occasion to honor some retirees, one was a staff gathering at a local establishment and the other was a concert where a former student was playing.  And the more I thought about them, the more stressed I became.  All I wanted was to go home and sit by myself for a while.

Like I said, I have always been sensitive to sounds/noise, and when I say sensitive to noise, I mean things like people chewing from across the room – it makes me want to hit something.  This actually has a name – Misophonia – so I tend to wonder it that doesn’t make me sensitive to other noises as well.  But it still doesn’t take away the guilt I feel when I skip out on events with friends.  I had a great discussion with myself on the way home, like how I needed to suck it up and go, that I would have a good time once I got there, and that I was just being rude to people I cared about.  But I drove home anyway and as I did, the guilt was was slowly replaced by some calm.

After a quick nap, we had dinner and watched some TV, but even the TV was too much noise, so we decided to sit out on the balcony with adult beverages and play cards.  Other than the birds and some traffic noise we sat and enjoyed some quiet conversation.  But how do I explain this kind of behavior to people who don’t understand?  Do others feel this too?  Is it just part of being an introvert?  Should I have challenged myself to work through it?

I question this behavior myself because I have dealt with depression and what I tend to do is retreat.  So there has to be this balance for me.  Am I taking legitimate time for myself or am I hiding from the world?

Can you tell I’m still feeling guilty?  I should have taken time to honor these friends and colleagues today and I just couldn’t. I’m sure that I have done this same things to others and I hope if they read this they now understand why.  I care a great deal for the  colleagues, friends and family in my life and I hope they know that.  And in the meantime, I’ll continue to work on balancing my life of noise and quiet.