Have you ever really thought about the word “gray” before?  Gray seems to have more significance for me as I get older, both literally and figuratively.  Officially, gray is that neutral color between black and white, but we’ve managed to turn that word into so much more, a way to not only describe a color (or lack of), but how we feel and what age we might happen to be. Today is kind of a gray day for me and my hope is that in writing this, the gray might begin to lift.

Things went literally gray a couple of days ago.  I went to a wine tasting event early Saturday afternoon, a ridiculously hot muggy day for early June in Nebraska.  To prepare, I ate a late breakfast and packed water to take.  As the day and the heat progressed, we made it a point to sit under shade trees for awhile, and take advantage of not only the water I brought, but the water offered by the different wineries.  I thought I was being careful.  Towards the end, as we were getting ready to leave, I started to feel bad, dizzy and slightly nauseous.  The slight incline of the path going back to the car began to look like a mountain and all I could do was pep talk my way back in my head.  But I didn’t make it.  We got to the gate and I swallowed my pride and said something, probably a good thing because things got vey gray after that.  Thanks to two great friends and a wonderful staff of people, everything worked out fine, but it was the first time I didn’t look at it as just becoming dehydrated on a hot day – I looked at it as being old.  It didn’t help that the EMT was all of 21 years old.  I probably reminded him of his grandma.

I’ve been seriously contemplating letting my hair transition to its natural color which happens to be a very light gray/white.  After all, I will soon be celebrating my last year in my 50’s and maybe it’s time to just go with the flow.  Am I giving in to the inevitable or finally being real?  I don’t know.  It’s funny how gray messes with a person.  One gray rainy day can mean cozy comfort with a good book, whereas a week of gray days can completely bum you out.

Gray is considered a neutral color – just about anything and everything goes with it.  It can tone down a bright yellow or lighten up a navy blue.  It can be feminine or masculine depending on what you team up with it.  Gray can also represent how you feel about a certain issue.  I’m learning that things I was really black and white on in my youth are more of a gray now.  The more I experience and the more people I meet, the more I realize how gray life is.  Are there still lines drawn in the sand?  Yes, just not as many lines in my case.

Just think of how the word gray is defined, besides its description as a color, it is also defined as dull and nondescript; without interest or character, colorless, insipid, jejune, unremarkable, flat, bland, dry, stale.  Gray is predictable, without color or shock value.  When you look at antonyms of the word, you see words like bright, cheerful, festive, heartwarming and sunshiny.  All of the things I want to be, that I hope to be, that I try to create around me, but gray keeps rearing its ugly, colorless  head.

And isn’t this the way our culture expects aging to be?  We gradually fade to a nondescript gray until we become virtually invisible.  Ignored by a tech obsessed generation who looks at our experiences as being obsolete.  I can guarantee I could survive if all of the computers were to suddenly shut down and google and Siri were no longer available to answer my questions in miliseconds – not so sure about them.  Younger people seem so amazed when they see older people who are fighting the gray and keeping the color in their lives, people who have a passion for living, exploring, doing, and learning.  It’s as though it’s against nature or something.

Just like the other day when the world went gray for a few minutes, gray reminds us that we’re closer to the end than we are to the beginning.  That reminder can do one of two things.  It can either lull us into thinking that we’re through, that we have nothing more to offer to this world, or it can stir a battle cry, a cry that screams I’m going to do as much as I can until the bitter end.  I’m going to keep learning and keep exploring as long as I can.  Perhaps the way I do that will change with age, but gray doesn’t mean I have to stop.  Remember after all, gray goes with anything, even the most sunshiny of yellows.  I think it’s time to begin chasing those rainbows now.