Many years ago, I taught with a lovely woman whose husband passed away suddenly.  He had been the ultimate in a loving husband, taking care of her every need, even driving her to and from school.  Unfortunately, he had taken care of so much for her that she had no idea of how to do even the simplest of things, to the point where one of the men from school would go and change out lightbulbs for her in her home.  In the name of love, she had given up her right to independence and growth, thinking that he would always be there to take care of her and sadly, she was wrong.

It is said that in marriage that “the two shall become one”, and yet God created us to be unique, one of a kind individuals, so how does this work?  I tend to believe that in the case of my husband and I, we brought two sets of gifts to this marriage that together make us one.  If I should decide to give up myself in this relationship, we are no longer whole, so it’s important that I maintain who I am and continue to grow as an individual, and the same for him.

In my case, I was fortunate to marry someone who, over the years has encouraged me to spread my wings and grow.  For the longest time, because it was what I had seen from my parents, I believed that my husband’s job was to take care of me and make all the decisions, even thought I watched my mother become more and more frustrated over the years.  Ever the extrovert, trying to be more of what my dad was comfortable with, she lost herself and the relationship, and although they stuck it out, was not always the happiest.  Because of this example, I wasted many years waiting for him to take care of me and make me happy, when all I needed to do was be myself and do my thing with him and not because of him, to be happy.

The other part of this is me recognizing that my husband has his own passions, strengths, weaknesses and personality and it’s my job to encourage him to be more than he ever thought he could be.  This always turns into a time of growth for both of us, sometimes comfortable, sometimes not.  Change, even for the better, is hard.  Even in the best of relationships, it’s a scary thing when your partner seems to be stretching their wings so much that they don’t need you anymore and you might find yourself becoming clingy and demanding out of that fear.  I know that’s what I did.  However, he is ever reassuring, and continues to encourage me to do whatever it is that pops into my head, whether it was something as simple as changing my hair, or something that would affect our lives, like going back to school, looking for a new job, or adding a time consuming passion like serving on a board.  My job is to do the same for him.  What makes us one is when we encourage each other to be the best we can be, together.

Being in a marriage with those kinds of benefits allows it to endure, I believe.  Things like physical beauty and youth will eventually fade,  but those things you cherish about each other and encourage to grow is what will last.

Doug and I spent the last week or so away from each other, encouraged by each other to do our own thing and to enjoy doing it.  I went away to D.C to enjoy a wonderful, mind expanding time with colleagues and he chose to go to his childhood home and participate in things like fishing and hanging out with family and extended family to fill his bucket.  And while we missed each other, we were not dependent on each other, choosing to do  our own thing and sharing the experiences with each other once we were both home.  Maybe other couples are fortunate to achieve this type of relationship much faster than I was, but for me, this is the kind of relationship I always dreamed of.  The assurance of a spouse who is my best friend and has my back combined with the freedom to be myself and to grow as a person.  It’s definitely the best of both worlds.

Even in this day and age, there are women who are afraid to be themselves because they fear they may lose the relationship, but I’m here to tell you that it’s better than being in a relationship where they lose themselves.  As we prepare to recognize its longevity next month, I’m so grateful for my marriage with benefits!