You know, the problem with typing on a computer keyboard is that you can’t do a frustrated scratch out, crumple up and toss when you need to.  Highlight and delete just isn’t physical enough to deal with the frustration of emotions and lack of focus some days when I’m trying to write.  Today is one of those days.

So, here comes a stream of consciousness blog.  If you are bored enough to read it, thank you, but just know now that this is just me letting it all hang out.  One of the problems with my personality is that I can live in my head for quite some time, but at some point, my head turns against me and my thoughts become a problem.  Today my thoughts are turning to loneliness and whether I’m just feeling sorry for myself.  The motivation level to do anything constructive today is below zero and I have sat in the same place for hours, trying to talk myself into doing something.  It’s not like I don’t have friends, but again, my head turns against me and tells me things like they’re too busy or doing other things and I don’t want to bother them.  It’s where living in my head and being an introvert converge to make life seriously no fun.

This all goes completely against what I say and do most days.  I love my little oasis and I love being alone with my thoughts.  As an introvert, I need the alone time to recharge.  But there’s a difference between being alone and becoming lonely.  I joke about the band widow thing, but when I see my spouse for maybe an hour a day, for long periods of time,  it can start to feel really lonely.  It is what it is and it’s been this way for a long time.  I should be used to it, and just when I think I am, I’m not.  Knowing he reads all my blogs, I hope he knows I completely support what he loves to do, but it is truly a love/hate relationship for me sometimes.

And so I stay busy.  Busy with emails and Facebook and writing my blog, busy working on projects and planning trips.  Busy trouble shooting things for others, busy saying yes to and preparing for meetings.  But once in a while, the busy-ness is just not enough to combat feeling lonely.  This is why I never see myself completely “retiring”.  I may leave one thing and begin work on something else, but I don’t think I’ll ever actually retire.  What would I do without something to keep me busy?

I tell myself maybe it’s not so bad to just sit and be lazy once in a while.  Maybe it’s not so bad to feel sad once in a while. Life has its ups and downs and not every day is going to be stellar.  But I always feel so guilty and tend to stress when I’m not busy doing something.  I should be cleaning the kitchen or planning the beginning of school or something, right?  But then again, maybe just sitting and meditating or praying, watching the birds in the birdfeeder, sitting with a good glass of wine, or coloring a page in my coloring book might be just the change of pace I need.

Maybe others don’t go through this kind of thing because they aren’t teaching for a living.  After shoving twelve months worth of work into ten with 400+ students, I will tell you I have earned this break.  But sometimes I’m actually grateful for that professional development or meeting that shows up in the schedule during the summer because it gives me something structured to do.  With the boys grown and doing their own thing and my husband so busy, I need to stay busy as well.

So 640 words later, I’m beginning to feel better.  Doing this reminds me how much I need this outlet when things get emotional or stressful, those intangible things that get in the way of just being a productive human being. Yes, I’m still alone, but the electronic equivalent of crumpling up the paper and tossing it has begun to work.  My hope when writing this blog is that what I write will somehow touch others, and maybe you’ve been able to relate to the stream I threw out today, but some days, like today, I just need it for me.