Under the category of “you’ve got to be kidding me”, a news story caught my attention this afternoon by way of a cousin on social media.  The story  focused on support groups for parents who – here’s the “got to be kidding” part – needed help dealing with their kids playing Fortnite.  As in, how to tell their children when they can or can’t play and how to deal with them when they don’t listen to directions.  This blows my mind on so many levels.  Let’s discuss.

First, the technical definition of a parent is a mother or father.  Now I get that just having some unprotected hanky panky can produce mothers and fathers, and being a mother or father, while it is defined as so, doesn’t necessarily make you a parent.  I would like to extend the definition a bit further then.  A parent is someone who takes responsibility for raising a child to be a healthy, caring and productive citizen of the world.  Despite thoughts to the contrary, kids don’t just become this way through some kind of magical maturing process or osmosis.  This happens through watchful guidance, sometimes not the kind of guidance children want to hear or comply to.

I’m not saying that we need to go back to the dark ages in terms of child raising as in don’t speak unless spoken to, but the pendulum seems to have swung way over to the other side where adults, who are supposed to be parents, are trying to be friends instead.  The great thing to look forward to is that once your kids become adults, it is certainly possible to be friends, but as children, kids HAVE friends.  What they need is an adult who knows how to set and keep boundaries.

Secondly, the power of “no”.  This is not rocket science – no means no.  That is, unless you say no and theeennnn you change your mind when the child whines, complains or throws a hissy fit.  I didn’t say it was easy or pleasant to raise a child, but they’re not always going to be compliant when a parent says no to something.  I’ll admit, with my first child, especially if we were out in public and I said no and he proceeded to have a fit, I would do just about anything to get him quiet.  By the time the third one came around, I could go by any impulse buy section of any store and very calmly say no and that was it, no matter what they did.  It takes practice and fortitude but it is doable.  If it’s not good for them, just say no.

Lastly, you don’t have to be Attila the Hun to be a parent.  As a new parent, I used to yell like crazy thinking it got my point across or got their attention better.  The truth is, speaking calmly, quietly and firmly is scarier to a child than all the yelling in the world.  As a teacher, I tend to treat my students like I would my own kids because I care about them.  When a child fails to follow my directions or do something in class that is unsafe or inappropriate, my tone of voice is just the slightest bit sad as I say something like “oh I’m so sorry you chose to do that, even though I asked you not to.  Now I have to keep my word and take the instrument away from you, or ask you to sit away from your friend, or not allow you to continue this game, etc.  If I have calmly and firmly told them what the expectations are and what will happen if they don’t follow those expectations, then if they make the choice to not follow them, the consequences are in their hands.  I did my job and now all I have to do is as I promised I would.  I don’t get angry, I don’t yell, I merely do as I promised.

So, as a parent, if a child were to sneak to a computer at night to play a video game when they should be sleeping to prepare for school the next morning, I would say “bummer!  You made the choice to do something I told you you could not do, so now I must enforce the consequence”.  End of discussion.  No bargaining, no giving in.  Don’t let them manipulate you into feeling bad or guilty, this is in their hands – it was their choice to not follow the direction.  Be the parent.

Lastly, becoming a parent can be easy, being a parent is HARD and I’ve never found a parenting manual to help me.  There were times when my boys were teenagers I really could have used one.  But sticking to your guns out of love and concern for your children will pay off in the long run, I guarantee it.  So, the heck with support groups and repeat after me – I. Am. The. Parent.