Competition can be a wonderful thing.  I happen to be a competitive person when it counts and I blame my high school band director.  Good healthy competition can motivate us to excel in ways we never thought we could.  Competing with yourself can bring about great change for the good and self satisfaction as I imagine it does for my friends who run marathons.  I say imagine, because this girl isn’t planning to run anytime soon.

There’s a fine line in competition when losing is a cause for motivation to try harder and when it leads to anger and defensiveness.  It’s very difficult to work with students these days when I use games to teach concepts.  I have to spend time explaining that what we’re doing is a game and that it’s for fun and learning.  Even then I have students who become upset just because they don’t “win”, or because the other team celebrates their victory (that’s rude/they’re making me feel bad/tell them to stop!), or the kids who nitpick every move the other team makes (they cheated, he didn’t follow directions, she gave him the answer).

“What do we get if we win?” is the other question I get, assuming everyone gets a “thing” every time they do something well.  I usually tell them it’s the satisfaction of winning or knowing they’ve learned something.  But these kids are used to getting things or money anytime they achieve those things that should just be expected; good grades, good behavior, doing their chores, doing their homework.  Sure I get that kids need to learn sometimes by using extrinsic motivation as they’re learning to develop intrinsic motivation but at some point they need to be weaned off of the rewards.  It only leads to adults who expect rewards for every little thing they do and we know how well that goes.

Then there is the reward of recognition.  You want someone to notice those things you are accomplishing, the things you’ve worked hard for or have achieved.  Social media is the Mecca of bragging rights, especially about our kids.  My little Johnny is on the honor roll or my child got accepted to ABC University, my child is playing these instruments or playing these sports.  We brag about their first words, their first steps, their first real food as though it’s the first time any of that has happened.  I do it too – I think it’s natural to be proud of your spouse or kids or grandkids, shoot, I brag about me too on occasion, but when it turns into a competition, this is a problem and it’s teaching our kids that bragging to outdo someone is ok.

The latest inappropriate bragging I’ve heard about has to do with a football fanbase who have taken pride in waving to children in the children’s hospital next to the stadium.  This is a wonderful thing, the kind of thing everyone should do and to take pride in the kindness a group of people do together is not a bad thing.  However, when it leads to expectations for other people’s behaviors, then this can be a problem.  So apparently this has happened with the kind people of fanbase #1 calling out the fanbase of team #2 because apparently they didn’t love sick children enough to wave to them like they did.

So what does fanbase #2 do?  They start making comparisons.  Well, we don’t just wave to sick children, we monetarily support children with cancer.  You see where this is going, right?  It’s like being on an elementary school playground.  Anything you can do I can do better.  Look at me, I can climb the monkey bars faster.  Well, look at me, I can do it upside down.  I held the door open for my friend.  Well, I held the door open for my entire class.  How are children expected to learn to do the right thing because it’s the right thing and not because they can get recognition for it?

Now this may sound like a contradiction.  Getting a special recognition is a true honor, but only if you’re not getting recognized for every little thing along the way.   I mean, how is a high school or college graduation supposed to mean anything when they’ve graduated from preschool, kindergarten, and grade school before that?  So many times I see people who truly deserve an honor who are genuinely surprised when they receive it.  These are people who just do the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing and who don’t compare themselves to others.

I think teachers are the ones who understand this the best.  Great teachers are a treasure who change the lives of kids and who may never see the fruits of their labor.  Can you imaging that same playground argument among teachers?  Well, I stayed after school to work with one of my students who was struggling.  Oh yeah?  I spent the weekend taking kids to the opera in my free time.  You never hear teachers do this kind of thing, at least not on social media.  I’m sorry, but teachers do this kind of thing all the time. This is not to say that teachers don’t get frustrated about not being recognized for their efforts, but most of them realize the goal isn’t about them, it’s about the students.  Who better to teach children that while competition can be fun and motivating, we should save it for those things that are important and not try to build up ourselves.   Is an act of kindness better or a personal accomplishment sweeter just because someone notices or makes a big deal about it?