It’s called The Ice Box.  That should have been a big hint.  It’s cold.  But I thought I knew what I was getting into.  After all, I’ve attended Stars on Ice and Disney on Ice and the ice was far enough away that I didn’t have to wear my coat inside.  But no, this is an actual ice box where our seats were wonderful, on the second row, close enough to see everything up close and personal and be cold.

First of all, it’s set up like a zoo exhibit.  There is glass for you to look through to see the ice and netting on both ends.  It makes you wonder what’s going to be out there that you need this much protection from.  And just like at the zoo, there are those people who like to bang on the glass to provoke what’s inside.  A little like an icy gladiators kind of event. One woman in front of us banged on it anytime someone on the ice got in front of her.  I think she just liked to hit things.  And just like the Stars on Ice, these guys can skate, like, really fast.  They’re so graceful and they make it look so easy.  Even the guys in their striped shirts and their cute little white helmets were skating backwards and other cool moves.

In dramatic contrast to all of this gracefulness was a group of men in dress pants, shirts and ties who very gingerly walked across the ice to get to their boxes. It was like a group of funeral directors leading a procession, appearing to be slow motion against the flurry of skaters.  After a very respectful rendition of the National Anthem sung by a barbershop type group where I’m pretty sure the strongest singer was in a different key, the event began.  These young men, the same ones with the graceful skating who had just handed roses to their host families, turned into wild beasts with weapons which of course, delighted the spectators.

Now, I grew up in the land of basketball and live in the land of football and I get things can get a little rough, but I’ve not seen anything like this.  In football and basketball it’s all about a BALL.  In this event it’s called a puck, something that slides with ease across the ice and apparently frustrates the dickens out of everyone because they try to kill each other chasing the thing down with their bent sticks.  The word “checking” usually sounds so kind.  Like, I’m checking your homework or just checking to make sure you’re ok.  Nope, in this event it means smashing you up against the glass to get at that frustrating little puck and spectators can beat on the glass again.  Very quickly into it, I was grateful for the glass because those young men and their death sticks kept crashing into it.

All of this effort is to see who can get this annoying puck into a net guarded by a giant praying mantis.  I’m not kidding.  And this praying mantis can get itself into all kinds of positions to keep that puck out of the net.  Very impressive.  By the way, it took an hour and five minutes to get five of them past the praying mantis into the net.  That’s one every 13 minutes.  There’s a reason I like basketball.  At points during the event, some men would spill over the wall of their box like zombies in an apocalyptic film and others would jump back in the box.  They even had a time out box for those who didn’t try to kill each other in a nicer way.

They get two breaks but that means entertaining the spectators.  At one point they had spectators throwing their pucks onto the ice to try and land in an upside down helmet.  Highly entertaining. During one of the breaks, I decided to use the restroom and as is always the case, the line was long.  However, the line was moving pretty quickly.  I find out it’s because there’s a woman standing on a box about halfway down the line of numbered stalls whose job it is is to call out the next available number.  It’s genius.  Perhaps airports could do that when every woman on a flight runs to the nearest available bathroom with only four stalls.

So now that I have warmed up some, it’s time to get some soft serve ice cream and go back into the ice box and watch young men beat each other up over a hard piece of vulcanized rubber.  By the way, did you know that Vulcan was the god of fire? Ironic, huh?  So, now that I have experienced the Ice Box, would I go back?  I have to say it was the best people watching I’ve had in a very long time and yes, I would do it again.  Only next time I’ll wear slightly warmer clothes and be close enough to bang on the glass.