It was the perfect scenario.  The cloudless bright blue sky, about 70 degrees, driving the bug listening to music on my way to get the hair done.  Pretty much an all about pampering me day.  Except for one thing.  I realize about halfway there that I’m tensely clutching the steering wheel.  I don’t feel nervous and quite frankly, I love to drive. I purposefully make myself relax my hands and arms and focus on all the great stuff going on around me and before I know it, I’m doing it again.

I get to the hair salon with the same person I’ve been with now for probably 15 years. I trust and know her well.  I make jokes and small talk with the manager who knows me by name and say hi to other stylists.  Under the cape, my hands in my lap are clenched into fists.  There’s no reason to be tense – I’m in very familiar, comfortable surroundings and yet I have to tell myself to let the hands relax again, purposefully laying the hands flat on my lap.

Even bedtime and sleeping is not without it’s clenching.  I often wake up to clenched fists and have at times clutched my arm so tightly that my fingerprints stay there for a long time before they fade away.  Despite the fact that I feel safe and am with family who loves me, my go to position is clenching my fists.  This is the anxiety I have lived with for as long as I can remember and it only gets worse in less familiar or more stressful circumstances.  It has been a part of my life for so long, something that is with me every minute of every day, that for the longest time I didn’t realize it was happening.

I know there are others out there who understand.  For some of us it may be the way we’re wired, for others it may be from a difficult upbringing or PTSD.  It is not something you can will away.  It is part of your psyche and in my case, I’m learning to be aware of it.    And for those of us who deal with this, we may compensate by doing negatives things like overeating or drinking alcohol, or more positive things like breathing exercises, and meditation.  And there are those of us who need to seek out counseling and medication as well.

Chances are, you know someone with anxiety.  Slightly over 18% of the adult population in the U.S. is affected by it and yet only 37% of those people seek treatment.  It’s a bit of a Catch 22.  If I have anxiety, chances are I’m too anxious to seek out help, especially if I can stuff it down and hide it to where you can’t see it.  And chances are, if you know someone who’s anxious, they’re more likely to be depressed.  So often, people who are anxious and/or depressed are masters of hiding how they really feel.  I know personally that one of my anxieties is that if people know, that I will be judged negatively which leads to more – you get it – anxiety.  So it’s just easier to hide behind the mask.

It’s difficult to explain this to someone who has not experienced it.  Everything seems just fine, life is good, so perhaps you’re just focused too much on the negative or feeling sorry for yourself.  Maybe you just want attention or you just need to work on being grateful.  All very disheartening to someone who may just have a chemical imbalance or a genetic disposition to anxiety.

So why bring this up?  Because despite the fact that my significant other knows and helps me, that I’ve sought out a doctor and counselor’s help and am on medication, I still struggle with it.  Don’t get me wrong, life is GOOD with a capital G but I’m still clutching the wheel.  If you’re suffering from anxiety, don’t be too anxious to ask for help. If you don’t suffer from it, try to be more aware of your friends and loved ones who may be dealing with this.  Your support, not trying to fix it, means more than you know and perhaps you can help someone you love who is clutching the wheel.