Whatever happened to tact?  I just addressed a question on social media for a teacher who shared an experience where a person in authority completely insulted her teaching in front of someone, apparently without blinking an eye.  Of course, I’m only seeing this from the teacher’s perspective, but whatever this person in authority said, it has devastated her.  And while it may have been true, not knowing the whole story, it was HOW it was said that is in question here.

I have the opportunity to work with a lot of student and practicum teachers who come to me with a variety of experience (or lack of) and personalities.   I need to be honest with them in the short amount of time I have to work with them, but what I don’t need to do is discourage them.  What comes into play here is my choice of words and HOW I say them.  Now, I have to insert a caveat here – I have had a couple of student teachers where after several attempts at being tactful, I had to look them in the eye and just say what I needed to say in order to get my point across, but this is after I had tried in any other way I could think of.  Sometimes you need to get brutally honest with someone to keep them safe or help them to understand the importance of a behavior or issue.  Most of the time, however, I consider it my job to decide the best way to teach or guide through the right words.

Part of the problem I believe is that we’ve become a very “informal” society.  What I mean by that is that communication in general lacks thought, editing, professionalism and sometimes words – IMHO.  You should see a couple of introductory emails I’ve received from young college students. Anyway, it’s easy to be more “honest” when using informal language.  It’s when we take time and thought in using our words that we can still mean what we say, can still be honest, and yet our words can be less hurtful, more tactful, more respectful, and more constructive.

In the not too distant past, historically speaking, even people who completely disagreed with one another, would still use language that was respectful.  When I share the story of the National Anthem with my students and we talk about the War of 1812 and how  ranking officers of each side spoke respectfully to each other, my kids are flabbergasted.  “But they’re enemies!”  Well, in those days, even if you were on opposite sides, there were rules and part of those rules included how you spoke to people.  Think about it.  You’re already on opposite sides of an issue with someone – it doesn’t make things better to speak to them in a tactless or disrespectful manner, does it?

The perfect example of this hits us in the face every day in the news and on social media.  People who are supposed to be in positions of leadership, speaking in tactless, hurtful, disrespectful and non-constructive ways to and about those they disagree with.  Well, no wonder nobody is willing to talk or compromise on anything!  There are reasons that sayings like “you catch more flies with honey than vinegar” are true.   You may not like the flies, or agree with the flies, but if you have to work with the flies, you might as well use honey – it will get you farther in the communications department.  Somehow in our society we’ve completely lost that truth. Very seldom have I found that my anger over an issue helps the situation but when I wait and think about my words and speak as tactfully and respectfully as I can, minds and hearts can be changed.

Social media however, in my opinion is the worst because it can be so anonymous.  What someone would never say to someone’s face, is acceptable on social media.  I have some wonderful, highly intellectual friends whom I have rarely heard say an unkind word in public say the most awful things on social media.  Name calling, profanity, atrocious comparisons to horrific people and situations in history.  The worst are those who use their intellect to insult with witty, caustic, multisyllabic words, perhaps to make those not as intellectual feel stupid.  It not only causes them to lose credibility with me, but it causes great sadness.  These are not clueless people – they are highly intelligent, usually very kind and caring people – as long as they agree with the person they’re being kind to it seems.

So here’s the kicker.  Being so “honest” in this way does one of two things.  It either creates more anger and therefore further alienates people or it causes some of us who are introverts by nature to shut down, afraid to say what we think because of the  viciousness of the response or reception we might receive.  After all, we’ve seen that response towards others.  I’ve spoken to many friends and colleagues who feel this way which is such a shame.  After all, nothing gets accomplished, nothing improves, nothing changes, if we can’t have dialogue, and those who bully their way through communication in the name of being honest are destroying the process.

So, what is the answer?  What do we do to fix this? Being honest is crucial if you want to be trusted and is an essential building block for great relationships, as long as it is done the right way.  Like anything else, it happens one person at a time.  One person who is willing to think, take their time in choosing words wisely and working to be honest through kindness and respect.  “Honest” dialogue in today’s culture is obviously not working. You don’t always have to agree with someone, but it’s important that you respect their journey, the reasons they have arrived at their opinions.  Through honest but tactful conversation, it is possible to come to consensus,  to compromise and yes, perhaps even agree.