Yesterday I was reading the story of a woman who just turned 107.  When asked what her secret to longevity was, she said it was the fact that she never got married.  Her sister, age 102, says she wishes that  she hadn’t got married, but longevity obviously runs in the family anyway.  Over the years, I’ve often wondered what the secret is to a long, healthy marriage.  After all, I’ve known many couples, some married for decades who for whatever reason decide to split.  It’s a scary thing, especially when you see yourself in these couples and you wonder why you have survived this institution of marriage when others haven’t.

We would be led to believe, especially with social media, that everyone is a happy camper, all posed with their significant other and their perfect little families.  But let’s face it, life is hard, which means that relationships, including marriages are hard.  Maintaining and growing relationships takes hard work.  Initiating a relationship, despite how it may feel sometimes, is actually pretty simple, and the feelings of euphoria that follow, the magic of a beautiful marriage ceremony and honeymoon can make the institution of marriage seem just as simple.  It’s anything but.

I lost count of the number of times I spent crying in the only room with a door in our little efficiency apartment on campus right after we got married. For the life of me, I can’t remember what in the world I was upset about, but something didn’t match my image of what I thought marriage should be.  I didn’t have a great example of that kind of relationship growing up and I made the same mistakes I had seen.  I thought about leaving many times because it seemed the easy or only way out of a situation that I didn’t know how to handle.  That’s because, unfortunately, if you DON’T have a great example to follow, there are no manuals out there to take you step by step through the process.  It’s a lot like parenting.  Boy, could I write. book about the number of mistakes I made being a parent! Anyway, over the years, we’ve both started to figure out how to make this work.  It’s a process that takes time and effort. So now moving towards our 40th year of marriage, I want to share some things that I’ve figured out that have worked for us.

1.  There are three in our marriage.  No, I don’t mean Prince Charles, Princess Diana and Lady Camilla.  We married in church and took seriously the fact that we married in front of God and witnesses.  Even when I forgot, Jesus has always been there.
2. Just because you “become one”, doesn’t mean you are no longer an individual.  You are still unique and have a unique purpose.  Now you just have someone to share your journey with.
3. Growing pains are hard.  Every time one of us grew or changed, the other had to adjust.  Change in hard and takes a while.  Be patient with each other.
4. Communication is EVERYTHING.  Especially if you begin your sentence with things like “I feel….” instead of “you did….”.  Holding things in until you explode is BAD.  Took me a while to learn that.
5. Mistakes will be made.  Sometimes BIG mistakes.  Words like love, patience, forgiveness and grace become real during times like these.
6. Sometimes sacrifice will be necessary.  Choices have to made which may be better for one person than the other.  See #4 and try to let it go eventually.  I’m slow at the letting go part….
7. Set up dates to go out and put them on the calendar like you do everything else in your life.  Even “mini” dates to the grocery can be fun and allow you time to talk together.  Especially of one of you likes to dance and ride the grocery cart down the aisles.  So embarrassing….
8. Kids are important but not more important than your marriage relationship.  When they leave the nest, you and your spouse will still be together.  If you have worked together with and for the kids, your marriage will be stronger.
9. Hug every day and kiss each other goodnight every night.  It’s hard going to bed mad – it makes it hard to sleep and just feels wrong.  See #4 again.
10. Best friends make the best marriages.  Just a personal opinion.  Even if we weren’t married, I would still love hanging out with him.

I obviously can’t speak for those dear friends of mine who have made the decision to separate.  I emphasize again that marriage is HARD and sometimes despite best efforts, it just doesn’t work.  I have no room to judge.  These are things that I have learned in my journey and if it helps, I’m glad.  Maybe if the hard times and struggles weren’t  so secret and if we all just communicated those things, we could help each other.  No more secrets.

P.S. The picture is from a family reunion with my in-laws (the ones in the front holding hands) who this past December celebrated their 60th year of marriage.  THEY have become my how-to manual.