The meme showed the reflection of what seemed to be a perfect apple, all crisp, red and shiny. On the backside however, where its reflection couldn’t be seen was the other side where it can been bitten into, no longer all shiny and red but messy and turning a slight shade of yellow/brown on the inside. Meant to show how we tend to present ourselves on social media and, who are we kidding, in real life as well, it was a message that hit home for me as I know, despite how I try to make my life look, nothing is all hummingbirds and butterflies.

The problem here is, there is a fine line, as there always seems to be, between sharing and sharing too much.  Sharing just enough to illicit the care and kindness you need as compared to sharing too much and scaring people off.  You see, as much as people say they care and maybe want to care, sometimes it’s just too much for them to deal with, so they emotionally and sometimes physically, walk away.  I get it.  It’s something I work on all the time.  It’s uncomfortable to feel these things with and for someone else and easier sometimes to just try to ignore or walk away.  Knowing this, most people won’t really share what’s going on in their lives because frankly, they don’t want to annoy their friends, family and acquaintances.  Hence, the shiny apple in the mirror.

My personal routine is to share all the cool stuff I get to do or anything new and exciting my family might be doing.  I also try to share other posts that speak to me, things that teach or are uplifting or make people laugh and think.  I really want people to read things that make them feel better – especially in this ridiculous political climate we find ourselves where so many seem to be looking for a fight.  Because fighting is so much easier than having a conversation or civil debate I suppose.  I’ve spent my life placating people.  Not because I want to patronize them but because it’s just too stressful and  exhausting to deal with the anger or the possibility of anger.  I mistakenly did that a couple of weeks ago on social media and while I don’t think anyone really got that angry, just feeling like I had to prove my point about something I felt really strongly about, was really stressful.  It’s so much easier just to put on a happy face and go with the flow.

Someone the other day commented on one of my posts and said something to the effect that they love reading about my joyful life with my family.  Joyful?  Sometimes.  Happy?  Most of the time. But there’s also depression and uncertainty and anger and sadness and exhaustion – you know, real life.  Today is one of those days.  It’s not anything new, it’s recurring and isn’t likely to change.  It’s the epitome of that old adage about the definition of insanity.  I’ve allowed myself to dwell in the sadness for a couple of days, trying to get excited about wonderful opportunities coming up soon but it’s been hard.  I have these very deep conversations in my head as to why I feel this way, why I ALLOW myself to feel this way and a lot of times it seems I feel powerless to make change.  And yet I know I’m not.  My brain is actually a pretty confusing and scary place to be right now.  You might want to stay away for your own safety.

I know this isn’t the usual “go knock ’em dead”, “you can do it” “happy, happy, joy, joy” kind of blog post I like to do, but maybe someone out there is struggling as well.  Maybe you look at my life or someone else’s life and it seems like it would be a great place to be compared to yours based on what you’ve seen on social media.  The thing is, we’re all human, all made of the same stuff, all going through things, some easy, some hard, some beyond painful.  It’s the backside of the apple that we all have but are not willing to or are afraid to share.  Even those people we completely disagree with in whatever way, or say we hate, are just like us.  And maybe if we looked at them with the understanding that they too get sad and angry and confused and worn down, that they laugh and cry with and for family and friends, maybe we wouldn’t look at them with such disdain and maybe we wouldn’t feel so alone in our own trials.  I don’t know.  Just sharing the thoughts in my brain right now.

So here’s the deal.  I’m showing you the other side of my apple today.  It’s not pretty, it’s not tied up in a fancy package and everything is not apple pie and ice cream.  Sometimes it’s rotten to the core.  Now I just have to decide what to do with the apple today.