Have you ever watched a hummingbird sip nectar from a flower or feeder?  With it’s little wings flapping so quickly you can’t see them, they flit from flower to flower, taking a little here and a little there.  It’s a delicate operation, certainly not like, let’s say, an anteater who sucks up as many ants as he can at once, seemingly afraid he’s going to miss one little morsel.  While I like to think of my personality as more of a hummingbird, lately it’s more like the anteater.

It’s not like I don’t have enough to do.  I have a full time job, a full time husband (he might say otherwise), children and grandchildren, I serve on a board for an organization that I strongly believe in, I’m trying to write a book and keep up with a blog but apparently that’s not enough.  No, something I’ve always wanted to try, something I actually applied for over 15 years ago opened up and I’m helping out until someone permanent is found.  What the heck was I thinking?

I can’t decide if it’s just the learning curve or the age in play here, but I’m working hard to stay on top of things.  Why?  I remember my dad saying that his 40’s were his busiest time of his life and two decades after that I’m busier than ever.  Am I afraid of not being busy?  Or are there just too many things I want to do before it’s too late?

The problem with all of this is that I don’t want to disappoint or upset anyone, which means getting all of my work done and done as well as possible.  I look at other colleagues who are involved in similar endeavors and they seem to be thriving.  Or maybe it’s just the face they’re putting on social media or in meetings.  Maybe they’re just way more organized than I am.  Maybe they’re screaming into their pillow at night. Maybe my true hummingbird personality isn’t equipped to do this much.  Or maybe I’m just a classic overachiever.

Oh, and did I mention I want to go back to school?  Can I do it all? Maybe.  Will I end up killing myself or losing my mind?  Very possibly.  Working towards balance in my life (I did take time to go out for Chinese tonight instead of working more) is difficult when the scale on one side is all the way to the ground and the other is flying up in the air.  Balance?  What balance?

But there’s so much to do!  So much I want to try and experience!  How do I choose?  I have to admit that several days into this new endeavor I almost called my colleagues and said “oh sorry – I’ve changed my mind” – but I try to honor my commitments.  The truth is, if I walked away from any or all of it right now I could readily be replaced.  What does that say about me or any of us?  Is what we do really that important?  Does this mean that I’m getting my self-worth from things that are very much finite instead of infinite?

So many questions and so few answers.  Six months from now, I hope to be in another place entirely, again sipping from flower to flower instead of sucking it all up at once.  We’ll see.