I was standing on the patio, practicing social distancing when he walked out and said hi.   He made a move to come give me a hug and then he stopped, with a sad look in his eyes, silently asking me for permission, knowing that he had been told that hugging right now may not be safe.  And then, without a word, he ran over and we gave each other a big bear hug.  Yes, we knew it was something we probably shouldn’t have done, but when you have a grandson and grandma who haven’t hugged each other in a month, well something else takes over.

As soon as the little one gave me a hug, the older one did too.  I think I had been ok before that, my logical side taking over, knowing that we could see each other on FaceTime and that would have to be it.  But it was the day before Easter and when Doug asked if we should take them Easter baskets, I said of course!  So we made our dash into the store, picked out what we wanted very quickly and I left the store while he paid. Their house is just down the street from us, so we called ahead, fully intending to just drop them off and go.

Our son was grilling dinner for the family outside so we pulled into the driveway and set the baskets down outside in the shade at a safe distance.  Then the boys came out.  I just don’t think I realized how much I missed them.  Now, for all of you grandparents reading this, it’s not that I didn’t miss them, but I’m really good at distancing myself emotionally when I need to and this seemed like one of those times.  A necessary and perhaps selfish safety mechanism for me I think.  So, knowing how good I am at this emotional distancing, I thought I was ok.  Maybe not.

So this happened Saturday.  Yesterday was Tuesday.  Last night was when I cried.  Cried for the time I was missing to do things I wanted to do and see things I wanted to see and hug people I wanted to hug.  There was guilt and sadness and anger and all of those emotions I’m so good at hiding if I need to.  The simple act of getting in the car and going to the store or going out and grabbing a burger or calling the kids and saying, “hey, what are you doing right now” and having a meal together has been taken away.  I had taken for granted those times when you just assume you’ll be together as a family for holiday meals, birthdays and school concerts.   Guilt because I know there are others who have it so much worse than I do.  But it still doesn’t stop the sadness.

I always say perception is reality.  Hardship looks different for everyone depending on where we are in our journey.  What I have to deal with right now isn’t really hard.  I have a roof over my head, food on my table, a paycheck coming in and my family is healthy. I see some making fun of celebrities who are sad in their mansions with their swimming pools, but it doesn’t mean that these people aren’t legitimately sad about something.  They too have to distance from family and friends and just because they have a nice place to quarantine doesn’t mean they don’t miss their kids and/or grandkids.  They’re just like me in a different zip code.

We all just miss people.  We miss hugs,  kisses, handholding and kind, reassuring touches from family and friends.  No matter who or where we are, or whatever our circumstances, this is the thing that connects all of us right now.  We need to believe that the opportunity for a hug is coming back soon.  And in the meantime, we might get lucky enough to get a quick little hug from someone we love.