“Oh, you teach music?  That must be fun!”  Well yes, teaching music can be a LOT of fun, one of the reasons I did it for nearly 30 years.  But there is a drawback to doing music all day every day, and for me choir was just one of the things that did me in.  Oh, I LOVE kids singing holiday music, and I feel personally fortunate to have taught in Catholic schools and that my public school communities have been a bit more traditional.  From August to December, nothing but holiday music.  Did I really need that much time?  You bethcha.  One 45 minute rehearsal a week only comes to about 14 rehearsals for a December concert so there’s no room for anything else. I was always saying that if I heard another Christmas song, I was going to throw up.  

In my classroom, it was holiday songs from November through December, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, Christmas, Kwanza.  I love them all.  But all day, every day takes its toll.  By the time Christmas arrived, I not only didn’t want to hear Christmas music, I didn’t want to hear any music.  I ate lunch in silence in my room.  I kept the room silent during teacher work days.  The thing I loved was the thing I most needed to get away from.  I stopped listening to and singing with music in my car, I didn’t buy my traditional music CD for Christmas.  I felt sad and strangely guilty, but it was just too much.

How do you explain this to other music colleagues?  Those colleagues who can’t seem to get enough of all things music?  They not only teach all day but then participate in other ensembles themselves, go caroling with friends, participate in church music. Everything they wear and how they decorate their classroom is so creative and so…musical. I had done all of that and just couldn’t do it anymore.  I didn’t have the time to do it, I had no desire to do it and I was exhausted.  How in the world could I begin to confide in a colleague who would never understand?  Good grief, I serve on a national board for music education. Then the pandemic came.  And my job changed.  And for the first time in nearly 30 years, I didn’t have a little choir to teach and no holiday music to sing.  The pressure of preparing kids, trying to not make mistakes in front of audiences and making the best music possible was gone.  

Don’t get me wrong, I really miss the kids singing, but I don’t miss the repetition and the constant sound.  My last choir, the one I was working with before Covid was going to kick butt – in a musical sense.  They were off the hook fantastic and I couldn’t wait to show them off to everyone.  Music is and has been my life.  I can’t remember doing anything else since I was four or five years old.  I have sung and played instruments my entire life, spent more time with other people’s children than my own, unless I dragged them to rehearsals at school.  I wasn’t sure how I was going to deal with the change, not making music with kids every day.

I have colleagues who have retired and can’t wait to get back in the classroom to sub. They get involved in ensembles, singing and playing.  They attend concerts they never had time to attend while they were teaching, they support musical efforts with their time, talents and money.  By the end of last year, I was jealous of all of the enthusiasm demonstrated by the great teachers in my district when all I wanted was to stop and walk, no RUN away.  

I think I have friends and colleagues who saw this.  My passion for music education and what it does for kids has never waned, but talking about it often brought me to tears.  Music changed my life, as it does for so many kids, but I had lost that first love and I didn’t know how to bring it back.  I wasn’t sure I wanted it back. I wasn’t sure how I would feel about this year, watching others do what I had done for so long and knowing I wouldn’t be doing it with them this year.  

It may be cliché to say that distance makes the heart grow fonder but I think it’s working here.  When Christmas music started in November, I found myself humming and singing along.  Then the movies with holiday music, singing in the car, finding something new I had heard on Spotify.  I started finding music videos and have been obnoxiously sharing them with Doug.  By obnoxious, I mean, I don’t ask if he wants to hear them, I just say “here – listen to this.  Isn’t it great?”.    I’ve actually watched Christmas movies this last week and find myself tapping my toes, bobbing my head and SINGING.  I can’t tell you the last time I sang just for me, for my enjoyment, to feed me.  But it’s happening, the joy is beginning to come back, and the thrill of that perfect note or harmony in my ear does my heart good.

I was afraid of all the change, afraid that I would get away from my first love entirely if I wasn’t in the classroom but instead we’re getting reacquainted, slowly redeveloping that relationship that I’ve always wanted my students to experience.  Observing those great enthusiastic teachers in my district making music with their kids makes me smile again. Maybe my first love is beginning to return.