Today marks an auspicious anniversary for me.  On this date 8 years ago, someone of great influence in my life passed away.  The last several days have been a time of reflection, remembering what was and wondering what might have been.  There have been moments of sadness and anger, but mostly gratefulness as I reflect on the person I am becoming since this person has gone.

A few years before this person’s passing, at the advice of someone I trusted, I created a boundary between myself and this person because it wasn’t safe for me.  After many decades and with help from others, I made the hard decision to walk away.  This wasn’t anything that I chose to broadcast to the world, after all, others in our society have expectations of how certain relationships should be.  From my perspective, that relationship is a fairy tale.  It sounds great in a story, but reality is a completely different thing.  It may sound awful to some of you, but I have never been sad that this person is gone, only sad that my life with this person did not reflect the relationship I see in others and wish I had had.

I don’t want to dwell on the past, but instead share my encouragement to those of you who may have walked a mile in my shoes and understand what it is like to deal with someone who feeds off of the pain they inflict.  It is possible, with the help of others, to heal and begin to figure out who you really are, to begin to see yourself through the eyes of others who do not have hurting you on their agenda.  My only regret was that I didn’t figure out I could do something about all of this sooner in my life.  But my life is not over, not by a long shot!

While this is not the relationship I would have wished upon myself, it has taught me many things.  I am learning to set boundaries, that what I have to say matters, and that I am not the lazy, selfish, ugly, failure of a woman I allowed one person to tell me I was.  I have friends who care about me despite being told I would never have them, that people were just pretending to like me.  I am loved by my family despite being told my family loves others more than me.  It has taken many years and the love of my friends and family who have convinced me that what I was told is not me.  So I continue the work to learn who I am and make who I am even better. 

For years I was told nobody would believe me if I shared what was happening and, with a close family member who should have listened, that was true.  But if you keep talking, eventually, even if it’s decades later, someone will believe you and help.  No matter when it happens, there is a chance to learn and heal and that is what is happening for me.  Again, I share this NOT to dwell in the past, but to help others out there who have and are experiencing the same thing.  What you feel is valid – never let anyone else tell you what you feel or should feel. 

So today I am so grateful.  I have learned to surround myself with great people of kindness and  integrity and to walk away from others who do not have my best interests at heart.  It’s hard but do-able.  My life is so full with my best friend, my kids and grandkids.  It’s full of many adventures and opportunities to learn.  I get to hang with some of the most intelligent people I’ve ever met, learn from them and work with them.  As each anniversary comes around, I am more of who I believe I was meant to me and less and less of who I was told I was.  And life is good.  My hope is that you are allowing yourselves to be who you were meant to be and that you find someone you trust to talk to when you need it.