The newly formed break in the river allows the water by the riverboat to be more calm while the river on the other side of the break flows swiftly by.  Apparently it’s to keep things from hitting the boat after a flood or heavy rain and keep the wakes down from other boats going up and down the river. I’ve heard that you can’t walk in the same river twice, which seems obvious, but as I watch, I see this log that has gotten stuck in the calmer waters by the boat come back over and over again, caught in the slowly swirling water, trapped by the manmade breaks to the side and front of it.  There are a couple of openings which allow the water to flow in and out, but it would take some force to make the log leave.  So it just keeps floating back and forth within the breaks with no chance to escape.  It’s safe, familiar and other than the occasional fish that jumps out of the water near it, there are no surprises.  It just keeps floating, back and forth, back and forth.

The last few days have been full of analogies and opportunities to reflect on the feelings, or rather, lack of feelings I’ve been experiencing for a while now.  Things that used to bring me joy and give me purpose are now just things I have to do or what is expected of me. I’ve always said that music is not what I do but is who I am, but for the last few years, except for the occasional little burst of excitement, music is the last thing I want to do.  I crave distance and silence, no longer wanting to sing, attend concerts, or even listen to music in my car.  It’s all I’ve known for so long that I don’t know what else to do and there is such shame for me to admit this to others in my field as I’m supposed to be a sort of spokesperson and I feel like a fraud.  It takes up so much of my time and sucks up so much of my mental energy that I find myself escaping into a screen.  Not to write, like I’m doing now, but to scroll mindlessly or play solitaire.  So, I’ve taken a little break to “find myself”.

While I would love to say that I have had a life changing epiphany in the last few days, I CAN say that there have some rays of light and realizations that I need to address.  First of all, I need to stop doing things because I perceive that others expect it.  I grew up with people who let me know loud and clear that no matter what I did or how hard I tried, it was never enough.  The perfect gift I planned so hard for, the degree or position I worked so hard to achieve was always turned into a comparison to something else greater than I had done or some detail I had left out.  Even at my age, with those people long gone, I still find myself doing things I don’t really want to do just so people will think well of me.  Sometimes these are friends who have stepped out to help me get where I think I want to be or do what I think I want to do and so there’s the guilt feeling attached. I need to get over this because if I’m doing something I wasn’t meant to do, it means I’m not doing something I AM meant to do.  

Secondly, I need to focus.  While I get that I’m a hummingbird, flitting from flower to flower to get what I need or want, I need to focus on what gets me going and focus on that alone.  Have you noticed how many times I’ve said FOCUS?  My pastor was always saying that people don’t do what they do unless they’re getting something out of it, good or bad.  Whether it’s security because I’m making more money or I’m able to network with the right people or just because it makes me feel good about myself, we stick with it because it feeds us somehow.  Right now I’m doing things that feed me temporarily but they are not allowing me to do what REALLY feeds me.  It’s hard to let go of some of that security in the hopes that the next flower I flit to is worthwhile, hence the hesitation.

I’ve never been a great planner. It seems I either luck into things or have great mentors who open pathways for me.  Which leads me to a conversation I had with a couple at breakfast this morning about museums and how the husband had gone to the Eisenhower Library/Museum and spent the whole day trying to learn how a little country boy could become a five star general and then president.  After his research, it came down to the fact that Eisenhower had a great mentor.  The gentleman then shared with me that he felt he got where he did in life because of his mentor, his grade school teacher.  She taught in a one room schoolhouse and he had her for six grades.  She never married, lived into her 90’s and stayed in her own home her entire life.  Her students wrote her letters yearly, checking on her and letting her know how they were doing.  Later in our conversation they asked what I was planning to do for the day and when I said I wasn’t sure, suggested a couple of parks relatively close by.  I did both.  The first was a beautiful drive, but the second one, the one I wasn’t sure about because it was in the middle of nowhere, turned out to be divine.  It was as if God was speaking through the rustling of the leaves in the wind and in the beautiful architecture of the little buildings.  I think the family who created this little gem in the middle of cornfields in Nebraska, built it for that reason.  Bible verses were on all four sides of one little building and this one jumped out at me; “As he thinketh in his heart, so is he.” Another building had this inscription “Art is nature made by man, the interpreter of God”. Perhaps I’ve lost the purpose of music in all of this busyness of trying to gain the approval of others in my life.  Perhaps what I’m thinking about in my heart has affected who I’ve become. Perhaps I need a new mentor. Do you ever wonder if God just puts people in your path to teach you something or lead you somewhere?

As the sun is going down on another day, I see that log still going back and forth, waiting perhaps for that powerful push to get it out into the river itself.  I’m hoping this time of quiet and meditation and those put in my path this week will prove themselves to be the energy I need to push me back into the flow of life and solidify my purpose.