It was August of 1976, and we had just finished lunch sitting on the blacktop field after having been dropped off at band camp.  I don’t remember all my lunch consisted of, but I do remember a tiny can of Vienna sausages.  Yes, I know, but they were in a compact little can and didn’t have to be refrigerated, which was impossible on a hot school bus in Kentucky in August. After lunch we immediately began practice, in the sun on blacktop.  Practice of course, consisted of standing at attention – a lot – while people were painstakingly placed in their spots.  

As I stood there in the hot summer sun, following directions (I AM a rule follower), a slightly dizzy, nauseous feeling began.  I would like to blame it on the Vienna sausages, but I’m sure it was more than that. I made sure my knees were not locked, I put my head between my knees, but as time went on, I became more and more dizzy.  Finally, when I was more afraid of passing out than being called out by my band director or possibly being ridiculed by my peers, I staggered over to the sideline where a band parent put a cold cloth on the back of my neck, gave me water and let me sit.  The comment I remember from my director was something like, Oh Judy, you’re a senior!  I felt like I had totally disappointed him and worked to get back into the block as soon as I could.  Looking back on this small event in my life, I’m sure he was concerned, but we were expected to suck it up, be tough and persevere. 

Over the years I have talked about how we persevered during marching band, but the truth is I was and still am a total people pleaser especially to those I look up to.  I’ve always talked about how I learned to be tough in marching band and how it has helped me through life. Now I wonder if perseverance is nothing more than peer pressure or people pleasing, depending on who you’re with, what you’re doing or what the perceived expectations are.  When I think back on things in my life that were difficult, there are only a handful of instances I would label success based on perseverance. Perseverance is defined as persistence in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.  I know people who have truly persevered through major illness, through financial struggles, through family and relationship issues, and to me THESE are people are the ones who have persevered.

Maybe it doesn’t matter what it takes to persevere.  Maybe peer pressure and people pleasing are just the tools that motivate people to push through things.  I would like to think that “pure” perseverance in more intrinsic than extrinsic, but if the result is the same, does it matter?  Do we persevere more it something is expected of us rather than something we want for ourselves?  Is having someone you’re accountable to just a version of peer pressure?  Is persevering for success something our culture expects, so we do whatever we need to do to make it happen?

What if life happens in the middle of our persevering through something?  Are we not a success then?  Are we a quitter?  What if you are a hummingbird rather than a jackhammer?  Is the idea of flitting from thing to thing or experience to experience mean you’re not a success because you haven’t persevered?  Or do you have to be that jackhammer personality, someone who pushes forward despite anything in their way in order to define perseverance. 

There have been many times that I’ve pushed through things just because I wanted to please others.  There were times when I felt I had no choice but to push through. I may have figured out pretty early that there was no real desire to persevere, but I was afraid to disappoint someone.  Not necessarily because they said or did something, but in my mind, I was afraid they would see me as something “less than”. Usually because within our cultural context they had worked hard and persevered to become a success, so I should too.  

Maybe true perseverance shows up when some kind of life changing/life threatening event occurs, when your choices consist of adapt, flee or parish.  Could perseverance just be a form of adaptation – making it work or being incredibly flexible because your other choices (flee or parish) aren’t viable options?  

When I consider the last couple of years as we’ve collectively maneuvered through the pandemic, was our adaptation to circumstances and/or flexibility through change really a form of perseverance?  Or was it simply feeling we had no choice or were motivated through peer pressure or people pleasing to do the things we did or did not do?  It’s beginning to feel a little like which came first….

Ok, I do tend to overthink things a bit – perhaps I’ve persevered my whole life and just didn’t think it was that big a deal.  Perhaps I should stop looking at challenges through what I perceive as the eyes of others.  The outcomes of my perseverance should only speak to me, no matter what the catalyst is, and I should just keep moving forward towards the direction I choose.