I find myself on a lazy Sunday afternoon, sitting with a friend in the same adirondack chairs I sat in this time last year, watching the fish jump out of the water, eagles soaring through the sky, and yet another log floating back and forth in the calm waters next to the boat.  Just about a year ago at this time, I sat alone, attempting, in my own words to “find myself”.  Watching a log drift around and around, going nowhere, exactly the way I was feeling, realizing that without a big “push” neither it nor I was going to make the needed change in our lives.

A year later, I’m enjoying time with my friend, laughing and relaxing, taking time to enjoy the flora and fauna.  This new log showing up has made me think about the difference between this year and last and what progress has been made in my journey.  I’ve re-read my blog entry “The Log”, curious to see if my thoughts then still make sense today.  

First of all, I was right in that there was not a life changing epiphany last year, but the rays of light and clarity have grown over this past year.  Working on not being so tied to my perceived expectations of others resulted in me resigning from a position that did not bring me joy.  The title, the work, the love for the organization and my own expectations for myself could not negate my lack of skills and ultimately my disinterest in learning some essential parts of the job in a way that could be a greater help to others.  At this stage in my life, I also needed something that filled my bucket, rather than drain it.

Secondly, I felt like I needed to focus more, to decide on something I needed or wanted, to get rid of the hummingbird mentality and stop flitting from one thing to another.  Today I’m not sure I agree with that, as after I resigned from that position, several other opportunities presented themselves to me, some familiar, some not so familiar but all that intrigue me and will bring new skills to my wheelhouse.  Perhaps trying to be like everyone else and not listening to my own heart is not the way to go, and being true to my hummingbird self is.  Searching for security by deciding to stick with the practical just because it’s practical can keep you from finding new adventures.  I have no doubt that fear was keeping me from taking the hard step and once I did, life began to improve.

My friend and I went for a drive this morning and I shared with her the park that made such an impact on me last year.  I didn’t share the details with her, but last year, everything I saw there took me to the edge and caused my tears to flow. This year the beauty of the flowers, the trees and the little chapel made me smile.  “As he thinketh in his heart, so is he”.  My heart, while not completely healed, is thinking a different way this year and I hope it shows. I wasn’t at all sure last year that anything had enough energy to push that floating log out of the placid water back into the current, but step by step and decision by decision, life is changing.

I haven’t found one particular mentor, but over the past year have made a conscious effort to learn from as many people as possible and try to look at life from different lenses.  My weekend with my friend has taught me to work harder to be grateful for the blessings I have, as I have many. It’s teaching me that I need to seek out friends that I’ve perhaps ignored over the past year or more and work on renewing or rebuilding relationships with them, to listen and learn more about them, to see things from different perspectives. It’s bit out of my comfort zone but I’ll try and if some of my extroverted friends would like to help out, it would be most appreciated : ).  

Why share this with you?  Because a year ago I was feeling pretty hopeless, certain I could never get myself out of the position/lifestyle I had gotten myself into, feeling completely trapped in my past decisions. Giving myself permission to walk away and take time for myself, as uncomfortable as it was, was the best first step I could have taken.  Learning to listen to my inner hummingbird and not being afraid to make necessary changes, while not easy, is the goal.  Perhaps I’m reading too much into all this, but it’s amazing what you can learn from a floating log.