Conference.  The word alone conjures many pictures in my head.  I have attended them, helped to create them, presented at them, eaten at them (usually the chicken) and, as I am a music educator, listened to or performed at them.  There is the anticipation of learning or seeing or hearing something new and at the same time, the anticipation of home, gathering with friends and colleagues you may have known and loved for years.

The last couple of days have revolved around yet another conference, this one dedicated to band directors.  Now you may say Judy, you’re not a band director! But in my heart of hearts, and had it not been for a few different twists and turns in my life, my plan was to have been a band director.  So despite the fact that I ended up with a choral degree and have taught elementary general music for most of my career, I love hanging with the band dudes and dudettes.  It’s an interesting throw back group in some ways as it tends to be mostly men, men who can be very traditional and who like to do things the way it has always been done to keep that tradition alive.  It can also be a group of people who are very forward thinkers, those who want to see more kids participate in the instrumental realm in different ways such as guitar ensembles, mariachi, steel drum, drum ensembles and modern band.  Regardless of how they decide to practice their craft, band directors are – well – band directors and I do have a warm spot in my heart for them.  My husband, also a band director, would probably say that’s a good thing!

At this conference I got to be more of an observer, “working” a booth (more like hanging out with friends), and getting to be the director’s wife.  Before the conference I had the opportunity to hang out with college students on their first advocacy “Hill Day” at our state capitol.  Such amazing young people, eager (and slightly anxious) to speak with their legislators about the importance of music education and how current bills up for vote can affect teachers and students both positively and negatively.  I heard a beautiful group of singers from the university in the rotunda of the capitol, the heart melting sounds echoing off the walls and traveling down the halls, calling a couple of legislators out to listen.  After the concert, one of those legislators was heard singing something to the choir director with great enthusiasm, then he walk to the piano, played a few jazz chords and walked off with a smile.

That afternoon we attended a concert at the conference, featuring middle/high school students playing steel drums, guitars and drums in various ensembles.  Although I’ve heard more student ensembles than I could ever tell you about, I focused not only on the quality of their musicianship, but also on the reactions of the other students waiting for their turn to play.  Middle school students, those students who tend to be the most squirrely and impulsive of age levels, were totally engaged in the other student performances, leaning forward in their seats, completely silent and applauding enthusiastically afterwards.  I watched parents clapping proudly for their students with big grins on their faces, and teachers in the audience smiling, feeling pride in students they had no connection to but who understood the magic of watching their students step out and make their own music.  It was the epitome of what we believe music does for kids – I saw cooperation, collaboration and creativity in action on that stage.  With a little guidance (and I’m sure a little rehearsal), students were responsible for not just the performance, but for taking care of their things before and after.  Imagine if all adults behaved this way?  Perhaps they should have been in music classes….

So, on to the banquet last night.  I have to admit I much prefer the buffet to the plated banquet because first of all, I get to choose what I want, and secondly, it takes me back to my  childhood where my parents would take me to a cafeteria occasionally and I got to pick whatever I wanted.  Ok, so I’m a control freak.  Anyway, the usual choice is chicken and fish, which we had, but we ALSO had beef!  This never happens – it was a conference banquet after all.  Life is good. We were the last table to go, so I had plenty of time to observe people.  I watched animated conversations among friends and colleagues, heaping their plates like a family reunion.  Chocolate cake was being butchered at the end of the line because everyone wanted it instead of the cheesecake and when it ran out, one colleague actually asked the server if there was more and sure enough, just like home, it appeared on the table.  It was loud, with sounds of clinking glasses and silverware, and lots of laughter.  Some of that laughter turned to tears during  awards time, but it was truly a celebration over good, simple food, reminding all of us that there should always be times where we gather, remember and honor each other and just relax and have fun.  All of this merriment was followed by a band concert with a diverse program, performed by a community band made up of many generations.  A reminder to all of us that music making is and should be for life.  A fitting end to what had been a busy couple of days.

In many ways it was just another conference.  A little bit of chicken and fish with a whole lot of music.  A wonderful end to my week and the beginning of  a well deserved break.  As we celebrate Music in Our Schools Month, I say thank you to all of those band directors in the world (and other music educators) who make such a difference in the lives of kids everywhere.

 

Penelope’s is a little mom and pop breakfast and lunch place here in town.  The building is small and old, with mismatched booths and tables and kitschy items on the walls and counters.  The place is packed for breakfast, people signing themselves in to wait for a table and finding a place to sit or stand out of the way.  The servers bustle between tables, juggling multiple plates on their arms, having short conversations with their customers, refilling coffee in between delivering orders.  There’s an energy in the building, with lots of conversation and laughter.  A delightful place to be.

Today I made it a point to look around the room and really pay attention to what was going on.  A mom was reading a book to their toddler, families with multi-generations were having conversations, someone was laughing with a friend.  But something was missing and when I realized what it was, I actually had to look around again just to make sure.  I know you won’t believe this but NOBODY in the room was looking at any type of  technology.  There were no cell phones, no iPads, no ear buds, nothing.  There was nothing but conversation, laughter and eating.

I actually teared up.  It was so – old school.  So wholesome.  So community.  So refreshing.  And that tearing up brought about an awesome feeling deep inside and just I laughed out loud.  On top of the flavor of the delicious cinnamon French toast and REAL bacon I was eating, it was an almost overwhelming dopamine rush. But why?  Why, in this age of being tethered to technology 24 hours a day every day was nobody using any in this unassuming little restaurant?

Well, it seems we can get our dopamine fix in a lot of natural ways.  Great food and social interactions are two of those ways.  Did they just happen to take the place of or override the need for technology this morning?  Was the anticipation of the great food and energy enough to keep people from even getting their phones out this morning?  I noticed the same thing last night.  Again, great food, wine and conversation so that when I looked around, I saw no technology.

Now, I’m not saying technology is bad, but I read a couple of scientific articles out of Harvard and the University of Pittsburgh and their authors who talked about how those lovely little devices, that in themselves aren’t bad,  contain some social media and THAT’S where the dopamine comes in.

I know that social media is addictive.  There’s something about waiting to see people respond to something you say or a picture you put up that is literally addictive.  And apparently there are programmers who manipulate social media to the point that they can make your dopamine release when they want it to.  Yes, social media is manipulating you.  One of the examples was that on instagram, programmers can do something where they hold back responses to make your brain anxious that nobody has responded and then they’ll lump all the responses together to release the dopamine.  It’s very similar to a drug or gambling addiction.

My thought process of course takes me to kids and school.  Teachers report that even when they take phones away from high schoolers, they’re still distracted because anxiety kicks in.  They’re separated from their addiction.  There’s even something called a  phantom buzz where people think they feel their phone buzzing.  Does this scare anyone else?  And education insists on using more and more technology.  And we see more and more behavioral issues and less and less engagement.  Does anyone else see a correlation?

So what do we do to replace dopamine activating technology with?  Well, based on what I saw this morning, perhaps it’s great food and social interaction.  And in our schools?  Well, we would have to think about things a little differently, perhaps.  It would have to begin in our homes – or maybe not begin at all.  After all, do we really need something else we can become addicted to?  Especially if you can get your dopamine over breakfast instead.

 

Have you ever heard of someone who collapsed due to exhaustion?  Like they physically could not do whatever it was they were doing?  There are some days, like today, where I have wished for that kind of thing.  What would it be like to physically drop from exhaustion and HAVE to rest for a while?  No feeling guilty because you’ve missed class because you had no control over it, right?

Unfortunately, I seem to keep sucking it up and dragging myself out of bed each morning.  I push myself through my job with enough caffeine sucked into my body through a straw that most people would be wired for days.  I can have an entire can of Diet Coke right before bed and completely crash.  I then push myself through my evening, thinking the entire time I’m going to go to bed early, but NOOOO.  Here it is 9:42 pm. and I’m writing.  My excuse is that I LIKE writing.  Unlike some other things I do.

Sure it’s exhausting to play whack-a-mole with 5-11 years olds all day.  Sure it’s exhausting to have to be “on” all day in order to keep them engaged in whatever the lesson is.  But what tends to be more exhausting is the constant bombardment of meetings, emails, surveys, paperwork, and whatever accountability du jour your district/state is requiring.  “Document til you die” should be the motto and the truth is, they (whoever they are), don’t have time to really look at all the documentation you don’t have time to do.  Yes, it’s sad, but from the time undergrads put together portfolios that no administrator has any time to look at, at least in a meaningful way, to the yearly goals we have to write, I believe they’re lost in a file somewhere, either in hard copy or digitally, with all of the other lost documents.  It’s a little like the “Island of Misfit Toys”.  Everyone feels badly if they don’t do them, but nobody really has time to pay attention to them.  I’m not saying that those who decide we need to do these things have poor intentions, but piling more on without taking something away is not helping anyone.

Imagine if teachers could use all the time we wasted in required meetings and doing things for accountability for, I don’t know, planning for children, or learning more about their discipline or craft.  During PLAN time.  I imagine it all the time.  Now, please understand, that in my own geeky way I LOVE a good meeting. A time where people can debate and discuss and learn from one another is stimulating.  The meetings I’m talking about are the ones where they feed you some snacks and you get to sit at a table and listen.  Ok, maybe not listen – we ARE teachers after all – and once in a while you use some little engagement strategy like talking with your shoulder partner or some Kagan round robin thing.  But it’s not good old fashioned, honest dialogue where you talk about what you believe is good for kids and why, what’s working and what isn’t.  Why good relationships and paying attention to Maslow beats some grad student research any day of the week.  In the meantime, kids are becoming more rude, more stressed and begin to hate school.  I’ll be honest, I would too.

I’m exhausted.  I can’t remember my kids names at school.  I can’t run a sentence together.  I forget an idea the minute it pops into my head.  I would love to go to bed, but sometimes I lay there thinking about some meeting I have to have and what in the world I’m going to have to say and why.  I’m popping Pepsid like candy and eating way too much.  I wish I were one of those people who would STOP eating, but no such luck.  What can I say – I like donuts.

My situation isn’t unusual, in fact, if you were to ask any teacher right now, while they might preface it with “I love my kids, but….”, you would find out that thousands of people in our community are exhausted.  Despite what the media might lead you to think, there are millions of teachers who spend their time, their money, their talents, sacrificing their family time, their sleep and their health to love on children who aren’t their own.  If you ask any teacher, that’s all they want to do is to love and teach children to get excited about learning.  They want to teach children to be good, kind, educated people who will be an asset to their community.  And perhaps they want a little recognition for what they do.  Nothing major.  You can’t imagine what a little “thank you” does for a teacher’s heart.  That’s all it takes.  While it doesn’t erase the insanity that can be the educational system today, it does warm the heart of a teacher who has a heart for the children of your community.

I’m exhausted.   But like thousands of my colleagues in my community, I will suck it up tomorrow, get my butt to school and look forward to smiles and hugs from someone else’s children.  Because I’m an educator.

 

Reacting is easy.  It’s human.  Something happens and we react.  It’s the HOW we react that is important as well as what we DO after the reaction.  Lately, I’ve found myself reacting about things and then re-enacting certain situations in my life.  Have you ever done that? Running those scenarios over and over in your head imagining how the conversations are going to go and how you’re going to handle them.  Part of that for me is a safety issue – I want to be as prepared as I can be as I don’t like being surprised.  I tell myself it’s because I don’t think that fast and need time.  But the other part of this is ego, plain and simple.  I don’t like being told what to do, I react defensively, I get angry or my feelings get hurt and then I start second guessing myself.  It’s exhausting.  But what if I did something different.?  What if after I reacted I respired, rethought and then re-envisioned?

It’s not just the little things however.  Sometimes it’s those big things.  Like I’m looking at an issue right now where there is the possibility that our school district may lose $15-20 million in funding this coming year.  This is a big thing.  A scary thing.  And so many people I know, including myself, have reacted with anger and fear.  This is going to hurt our students.  It’s going to put more stress on teachers with bigger class sizes and fewer resources.  People may lose jobs.  It’s a big deal.  My hope is that our leadership hasn’t reacted the same way.  My hope is that they are taking time to respire, rethink and re-envision.

I think most of us are under the impression that free, public education has always been a thing in this country, that the 3 R’s have always been the emphasis.  Not true.  I won’t take a lot of time to go into details, but while the first public school opened in 1635, the subject matter focus was on family, religion and community.  Girls were usually taught to read but not to write.  In the south, those who were educated were done so privately with paid tutors. In fact, education in the south was not widespread until after the Reconstruction.  Common schools came about in the 18th century but students did not attend for free.  Parents provided paid tuition, provided housing for the teacher and resources for that teacher.

It was 1918, a little over 100 years ago that it actually became a requirement for students to stay through 8th grade.  It wasn’t until the late 1970’s that segregation was completely eliminated.  Congress only recently passed the latest Every Student Succeeds Act.  Pages and pages of requirements, definitions, and proposed allocations for students to succeed – whatever that means today.  Obviously that definition has changed over the centuries.  And every time it changed, chances are it was because someone respired, rethought and re-envisioned.

It occurred to me that in the nearly 30 years that I’ve been in education, I have taught in rural and city schools, public and private parochial schools.  I have used a meeting room as a classroom where I was not allowed to decorate or leave anything out.  I am now in a classroom so large you could land a plane in it, full of every resource I could every ask for.  I’m fortunate.  I’ve taught in schools where I had to campaign for equipment and have paid for what I needed myself.  I still do on occasion.  The schools have changed, the funding has changed, the settings have changed, the years have passed, but the one constant was a teacher who taught no matter the circumstances.

I used education as an example here, but this can apply to anything and everything from the most minute to the largest of issues or situations.  Any time something happens and you feel like just “reacting”, remember to continue the process; respire, rethink and re-envision.  I wonder if we, as a culture, as a nation, aren’t struggling because all we’re doing is reacting?  Are we stopping, taking time to breathe, think and see where the new road is leading us?  Are we showing the good fruits of the spirit or are we just mirroring the anger and fear we’re reacting to?  We have a choice.  We have a chance to make great positive change, whether it’s in a relationship, in our jobs, in our education, in our politics or in our religion.  We just have to remember that after the initial reaction, we need to respire, rethink and re-envision.  The positive possibilities will be endless.

“The research says” seems to be the most powerful phrase in education today.  One of those pieces of research is one that touts the results from what is called “the power of 4:1” positive interactions.  The research says this particular methodology will establish an effective classroom environment where specific positive feedback is used that describes behavior and uses rationales.  It sounds great on paper and with kids who tend to be compliant in the first place, I’m sure this works well.  But sometimes I wonder how long it has been since the researcher has actually stepped into a classroom to teach real children.  Is all positivity all the time a good thing?

I am all for encouraging kids, highlighting those times when I see grit and great effort and congratulating them.  I love kids.  I want the best for kids.  I want them to grow up to be kind, hardworking people who are an asset to their communities.  And sometimes, I need to have a little come to Jesus discussion with them and make them feel uncomfortable to bring about needed change.  I am told not to be punitive and yet I need to prepare children for a world that can be incredibly punitive if they cannot heed authority and follow the rules.  How do I create a safe place to learn that also prepares them for the dangers of the real world?  Sometimes I need to make them uncomfortable.

In the current educational environment where adults are discouraged from “disciplining” children, more and more of our children are figuring out that teachers have been made all but powerless.  With more and more disrespect in the classroom,  and teachers who are afraid to be honest with children due to a perceived lack of job security, the opportunity to make children uncomfortable in an effort to prepare them for real life has been taken away.  If a child is not taught to respect their teacher, one of the people preparing them for life, how in the world do we expect them to treat each other or any other authority in their lives with respect?  Especially if they are not made to feel bad enough to change.

In churchy language, it’s called being convicted.  That feeling or knowledge you get that you know you’ve done the wrong thing and need to change or make amends.  Sometimes it takes reading something, or witnessing something or someone telling you truth in a kind but firm way.  It’s that inner voice that tells you you’ve messed up or something isn’t right and that you need to ask forgiveness and turn about or, again in churchy language, repent.  It’s when you say I’m sorry and your actions show that you mean it.  People don’t just make a major change in their life because they feel good.  People tend to want to keep the status quo when it feels good.  They feel the need to change when something feels bad or wrong.  And sometimes, when the person is young, that bad feeling needs to be initiated or encouraged by a caring adult.

So, do I have quantitative research to back this up?  No, but I have qualitative life experience.  I’ve watched families and kids for decades and the lessons I’ve learned from those observations have been stored in those files in my brain.  My old school brain as I’m sure some of my younger colleagues would say.  Those colleagues who have taught for less than 10 years, the colleagues who have not yet had children of their own.  Time teaches it’s own lessons and if peoples minds are open, they’ll learn quite a bit of those life experiences.

Personally I’ve always learned more from the negative experiences in my life than the positive.  Not that I don’t appreciate the positive and enjoy them, but the life changing times in my life, many times come when I’ve had a tough life lesson, sometimes brought about from my own actions, sometimes just brought about by life.  As a teacher, I feel it’s my job to prepare kids for all aspects of life, and so setting up achievable expectations in my room and having fair consequences in place is a way to teach kids that every action brings about a reaction and that they need to be thoughtful about how they speak and react and behave in my classroom.

I was fortunate to have many teachers in my life who made me accountable for my actions and let me know when I screwed up.  They were the same teachers who came to me later and talked about why I screwed up and how I could make things better.  Because they cared.  Like I care.  Enough to sometimes make life a little uncomfortable for my students when they need it to learn.

Had an interesting discussion with my student teacher the other day.  I was reading an article on-line about how millennials suffer from something called “Sunday Scaries”.  The writer continues to explain how these young people get to Sunday and begin to realize that tomorrow is going to be Monday and it’s back to work.  It’s not that they don’t like their work, but apparently they stress about not being perfect at their jobs and about how much time they wasted over the weekend.

I asked my student teacher if she considered herself a millennial, and yes, while she falls into the category based on birthdate, she didn’t feel like she had the same issues. Her take on it was that perhaps, technology was to blame.  Because you see, technology is the ultimate time suck and its siren song is a powerful one.

Let me see what you think.  Weekends look like this for me.  Saturday is “catch-up” day.  Clean the house, laundry, do the shopping, wash the car, get the hair done, etc.  That leaves Sunday.  For me this means maybe church, resting, seeing family or whatever I want to do.  I can do many things on a Sunday.  Unless I get caught in the time suck that is technology.  It’s so easy to get caught up on social media or emails and half the day is gone.  Then I bemoan the fact that I didn’t have any time to myself over the weekend.  Imagine if I were into video games or binging Netflix.  What you intend to be only 30 minutes quickly turns into 3 hours that you’ll never get back.  It reminds us that where technology is involved, you’re never really in control.

Just like the stories of the sirens calling sailors to their deaths on the rocky shores, the siren also isolates, calling us to only focus on the screen and not those around us.  I made the mistake a couple of weeks ago of letting my 5th graders bring their chrome books to work on a project.  I assumed that they would know how to collaborate and merely use the Chromebook as a tool.  Silly me.  They immediately isolate, doing their own thing, creating things that look really cool but that are really unnecessary, communicating not face to face but through Google.  Their friend is sitting right beside them, but rather than looking at them and talking about things, they type it into the Google Slides (sometimes changing someone else’s work without asking) and get sucked into creating pretty presentations.  They then began to “argue” over Google by changing each others writing and ideas.  This is what happens when you assume I guess.  The next day, we began by TALKING to each other first, brainstorming and deciding which direction they wanted to go, experimenting with actual instruments instead of cool pictures of instruments and THEN they used the Chromebook as a tool to record their ideas.  Who knew?

But that’s the lure of the siren.  There are so many words, so many pretty pictures, so many ways to be in control and manipulate things.  And the next thing you know, three hours are gone.  Somehow being lost in a conversation doesn’t feel like as much of a waste as being lost in the cloud.

Research is the worst however.  All in the name of learning, of course.  Why are barns red?  Let’s ask Siri!  How far is it between where we are and where we’re going?  Google it!  And don’t even get me on Ancestry.  I don’t even miss the amount of money they suck out of my account each month so I can drop into the rabbit hole that is my family history.  I’m pretty sure I’ve missed whole days during breaks, hoping that I’m related to royalty or at the very least some deranged criminal.  I really need some excitement in my life.

So back to the point at the beginning.  Don’t people realize that this is just life?  You get two days off, you do what you can to catch up and enjoy some unstructured time and like a grown-up, you get up on Monday morning and begin the routine again.  You can’t hide under your blanket and it’s no reason to become angsty.  It’s life.  And it’s not that I’m old and/or out of touch with my feelings, and it’s not that I don’t value my free time as much as anyone else and it’s not that I don’t like what I do so it doesn’t matter.  I just learned very early on that I had to get up, put on my big girl pants and get moving.  I will have to admit that it was a bit easier for me being pre-technology, but needing to pay rent and put food on the table and gas in the car was pretty good incentive to get over myself and deal with whatever choices I made over the weekend.  And if for some reason I get stuck in the time suck, I own it, berate myself a little and get my butt up in the morning, knowing that the tempting siren may have won this time, but next time….

 

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It has been a week since the Super Bowl, second fiddle to the real show apparently, and that would be the half time show.  It has been the most interesting week of reading on social media as the conversation concerning the half time show goes between how powerful the performers were to how it was, and I quote “soft porn”.

I will save my feelings on the show for later in the blog, but what I want to address is not just the commentary, but the reaction of others who might disagree with said commentary.  As with everything else these days, it seemed to become political quickly, with those on the more liberal side making fun of those who are so obviously “close minded” or “backward thinking”, sharing memes of women in amish clothing as what ALL conservatives believe is more appropriate and those on the more conservative side using the term “soft porn” and talking about this country going to hell.  I hate to break it to both ends, but there is a middle ground way of thinking.

I find myself torn between the two ideologies.  On the one hand, I would love to believe that we’ve evolved to the point that women can wear what they’re comfortable in without being judged but on the other hand, why can’t women be powerful and still wear clothes?  I rarely see men peel off their clothes (at least in public) and gyrating just to prove they’re powerful.  Not saying it doesn’t happen of course (I can think of several court cases going on right now) but maybe most are smart enough to keep that in private. The other conversation involved the camera angles, perhaps run by men, but then the main event was a football game, traditionally something that men do and watch (I haven’t read the stats about how many women were watching) and the cynical part of me is thinking, what did we expect?  Am I selling men short or merely observing what is?

Some of my friends sent their daughters out of the room during the halftime show.  One child asked their parents if the show was “inappropriate”.  And yet some women were celebrating the power they saw on stage with their children.  I know plenty of powerful women who share their brains, their talent, their business savvy and many other things without sharing their bodies on national TV.  I would like to think we can be powerful without having to take off our clothes.

I believe most women realize that using their bodies can be very powerful.  Women’s bodies are beautiful but some use their bodies to get reactions, make money or to manipulate others and that manipulation can manifest itself in many different ways both subtle and not so subtle.  To add more to the conversation,  according to some articles, the dance/performance reflected cultural backgrounds.  I don’t think I know enough about that to speak intelligently on the subject so I will leave that to others who can.

On the other hand, it was dance. Dance is beautiful.  Like music, it is an innate part of what it is to be human.  I love watching a great dancer who can interpret beautiful music through movement.  The technical aspect of the dancing in this show was stunning, well choreographed, well rehearsed, completely professional.  I understand that dance tells a story and that that story can be about anything.  I’m just not sure that sexuality, also an innate part of being a human being is something we need to share during prime time in front of kids.

Closed minded?  Perhaps I am to some of my sweet liberal friends.  But as a teacher of nearly 30 years,  I also see the effect on kids who are exposed to things they’re not developmentally ready for.  Whether it’s what they see, the language they hear, the adult conversations they participate in, kids are kids and there’s a reason they should not be exposed to certain things – it’s because they’re just not ready.  Allowing them to see things that aren’t appropriate for their age can be confusing.  When I have some 6 year old tell another 6 year old that she’s “hot”, he didn’t make that up.  He’s heard it somewhere and he’s repeating it.  He doesn’t understand what it means. So the 6 year old girl then thinks it’s funny that someone says she’s hot.  And the cycle repeats.

I would like to believe that I am growing to become a more powerful woman.  I was one of those girls who grew up believing that boys would only care about me for one reason and sadly dressed and behaved in ways that I hoped would make them care.  It didn’t. But I’ve figured out that I can be much more powerful using my brain than I ever could using my body.  Maybe not as rich as the ladies I watched last weekend, but powerful in my own way.  I think it’s time that we teach our girls that powerful women come in many different forms, most of which include being fully clothed.

 

The sound caught my attention, despite the the live music being played two rows in front of me.  It was an odd sound, much like the sound  Hannibal Lecter makes when talking about liver and chianti – teeth somewhat like a rabbit with a slight wet sucking sound.  Sorry, but you have to hear it in your head.  Anyway, I didn’t want to be obvious and look around, but it was following the music so it had to be a person, right?

To my right was a very distinguished older gentleman, dressed in a nice suit, sitting with his lovely wife.  Now, when I say older, I mean older than me, which is, well, pretty old.  And there it was.  The Sound.  Teeth over his bottom lip, he was making that sound to the music.  He knew it well, making his sound in “harmony” with the sound of the ensemble, only so much more annoying and I thought, wow, is that was getting older is going to sound like?

Those of us who are getting older like to THINK we’re cool and vibrant and still relevant and that we don’t have any of those old people “traits” that we want to avoid.  We do our very best to get up from a sitting position and not look like it hurts, we try to keep up with our younger counterparts in the way we dress and by coloring our hair, we try to talk the talk but when it comes to technology I haven’t given up, but I’m close.  But it’s those unconscious, not in control sounds and, may I share – smells that worry me.

As I spend time with people my age and older, there seem to be more odious odors that appear out of nowhere, and no matter how you check out the people around you, no body is giving themselves away.  You start to wonder, was it me and I just didn’t realize it?  I’m still at that stage of life where this is unacceptable and really embarrassing, but as I get older is this just going to happen?  And will I too just continue my activities and conversations as if nothing happened?  Do men have this problem too or is it just women?  I don’t remember most men caring at whatever age, so maybe it’s just me…. But I digress.  A lot.

I shared a lovely breakfast with some former students this morning and it was wonderful.  After all, I’m no longer 4x their age, I’m only twice their age.  Math is fun.  Anyway, one of them had shared with her colleagues at work that she was going to meet me and they were intrigued.  You’re going to meet with your elementary music teacher for breakfast?  The main question being why are going to hang out with the old lady you had for a teacher 20 years ago?  The answer she gave to them, as she told the story, was that we had been a part of something special together 20 years ago that gave her an outlet and provided a social group that she felt she didn’t have.  Music and theater turned out to be something special, not only for her, but for a small, close group of kids who did some amazing work.  A group that still stays in touch locally or long distance as she is, for instance,  godmother to another classmate’s children.

She herself is a 1st grade teacher now, having taught 11 years.  It hardly seems possible.  And it’s wonderful to hear her talk about her kids and how she gets to work with student teachers now.  Perhaps the reason we still connect, even with the difference in age, is that we have a meaningful, memorable connection through music.  I continue to be relevant and music still speaks to this group of students as music is ageless.  As we were getting ready to part ways, one of my students said, let’s not wait another 20 years to do this.  Well, if we did, that would make me 80.  Perhaps closer to the age of that gentleman down the row from me last night.  And despite the age difference between this gentleman and myself, we had something very important in common – the music we love and continue to learn about and listen to.  Only I sat quietly and he didn’t.  Perhaps in another 20 years however,  someone else will look at me down the row and ask, what is that sound?

Some people count sheep, some drink warm milk (yuk).  Some take sleep aids.  I write.  I keep thinking of this gentleman I heard speak about creativity in music through improvisation yesterday.  He’s quite the thing, with degrees from the Eastman School of Music, teaching at the Hartt School of Music and now at his alma mater as faculty, along with being an active musician/performer.  Certainly makes for a great looking vitae, but what I marveled at was how he thinks, particularly how he thinks about something as complex as improvisation (at least for most of us) in such a simple way.  He was the consummate teacher, keeping a roomful of music educators active and engaged for an hour and half, AFTER we had all taught all day AND sat through another meeting before his session.  Pretty amazing.

I was challenged and slightly hacked off at myself.  Why hadn’t I spent more time studying harder, really learning my craft, keeping my voice in top shape, attending more workshops, attaining more degrees.  If he had been all full of himself, I might have overlooked all this but on top of everything else, he was a nice guy.  He just happens to be extremely passionate about what he does and pursues it the nth degree.

But, aren’t I passionate too?  I think I am. Don’t I believe in the power of music and music education for everyone?  If I really believed that, wouldn’t I too be pursuing all of these other things?  Or do I settle for knowing just enough to be dangerous or get by?  I’m not looking for reassurance or compliments or agreement, just thinking out loud.  I know my life has taken a very different path, sometimes MANY different paths at once, and some might say I’ve done pretty well, but when I have the opportunity to meet someone who really excels at what they do, I’m in awe.  What is it that these people have that others don’t?  What drives them?  How do they keep up the energy?

I watched as he gave his presentation, this man who is about my age, walking around the stage, crouching down to speak to us, (without his knees creaking I might add) sitting on the edge of the stage, then hopping up in one smooth movement to play the piano, no notes in front of him, doing his thing.  There’s just something about watching and listening to someone who is totally sold on what they do and who wants to share it with others.  He was focused and articulate, informed and again, engaging.  I want to be him when I grow up.

As I write this, I think I see that focus may be the key,  but then that means finding that singular passion, the “jackhammer” personality as author Elizabeth Gilbert labels it.  For those of us who flit from interest to interest, is there any way we could ever be that focused?  Can I be that focused?  Do I WANT to be that focused? Does being that focused keep you from just experiencing things or does it enhance how you experience things?  So many questions!

Anyway, I was inspired.  Maybe not inspired to play jazz piano, but inspired to try some new simple techniques in my classroom.  Or inspired to get in better shape.  Or maybe inspired do some music for myself for a change.  An old dog can learn new tricks.  But an old dog doesn’t function well with no sleep so hopefully the writing has helped.  If not, I guess I’ll be counting sheep. Wish me luck!

 

I’ve been to a lot of weddings.  Weddings are beautiful things, couples full of promise, looking towards the future, certain of their love for one another.  However, no matter how beautiful the wedding, there always seemed to be one tell-tale sign that told me this wasn’t the right thing.  At some point during the wedding I would watch either the bride or the groom shake with nervousness.  Not excitement, but fear.  I think deep down they knew it wasn’t right, but if they just went through the process it would all work out.

Not me baby.  I couldn’t wait to walk down that aisle.  Our wedding was pretty bare bones as we were the first of our group to get married and we didn’t have a clue as to what we were doing.  It lasted all of 15-20 minutes and voila, we were married.  It was a ball, and while no marriage is perfect and we’ve worked hard over the years, it was right and we knew it.  It’s a gut feeling, nothing that really makes sense.  All the research pointed at what should have been failure.  We were so young.  But when it’s right, it’s right.

Even something as simple as shopping.  If it’s not screaming at me it’s not right.  When it’s right, I’ll know it.  I may have an idea of what I want but honestly I’ll know it when I see it and that little voice will let me know.  Following that gut feeling has saved me a lot of money.

There are so many life events and life changes where your gut tells you whether it’s right or not, but so many times we don’t listen.  If we’ve taken all the right steps, jumped through all the hoops, it should all work out, right?  That’s not always true.  For instance, several times in my life I’ve jumped through the hoops for a new job thinking it was the practical thing to do but it just didn’t feel right.  I walked out of one interview knowing it wasn’t going to be good and took it anyway because I thought I needed it.  A year later I quit because it was so awful.  I should have listened to the voice.

Why don’t we listen to that little voice?  Follow our intuition?  Because it’s not logical.  If we do all the things we should and the move we’re about to make seems to make sense, we’re afraid others will think we’re crazy for changing our mind about what seems to be a great opportunity or relationship.  Over the years I’ve learned to listen even to the smallest voice about the smallest things.  It pops up to tell me to get things or stop things or to remember things.  If I don’t do it right then or make a note it comes back to haunt me.

So lately I’ve been feeling that what I’m doing and where I am is wrong.  It’s not that I can’t do it or make it work, but when the feeling is that strong, it’s time to look at something else.  Yes, I need to be practical, but that little voice is sending me in some possible new directions and I’m excited.  Not afraid, not nervous, and I find myself grinning or laughing as I think about it.  I haven’t done that about work for some time now.

When was the last time you heard that little voice and listened to it?  Did you go in a completely different direction or did it reassure you that you were doing the right thing? I believe we have intuition for a reason and if you follow it, you’ll know when it’s right.