Let me tell you a story.  Once upon a time there was a little band.  This little band was full of students with great potential but their teacher was needed elsewhere and so a new teacher was hired.  This new teacher walked in and knew that to build a great band, you needed to help students see that they were each important and that by taking small but measurable steps,  they could do great things.  And great things they did! Within just a few years, the band grew in size, believing in what their teacher told them they could do.    Learning hard work and dedication paid off as they traveled far and wide, making music, becoming more accomplished by the year.  This teacher was not just a teacher, but a builder.

Many of those students become very accomplished later in life not only in music, but in others areas of life as well.  All of them however, had one thing in common, and that was all they had accomplished together, collaborating and cooperating with each other, learning commitment and sacrifice in order to accomplish goals. And some of them became builders as well.  You see, that’s another thing that builders do – they pass it on.

Builders get people excited about a common goal, whether it’s finding a way to get more kids involved in music, fundraising for a good cause, building a great school community or any number of things.  Builders have to be careful to not let ego get in the way because once they get people excited about something, those people tend to look at this builder as the leader, the one who gets all the credit.  It can be hard.  Especially hard  when the builder can see all the great things the excitement is doing for others and yet not everyone shares their vision.

Fixers are the same, only they walk in, see the problem and just know how to fix things.  They see an issue with a student, survey the situation, gather the information and can work out the problem.  Fixers can find common ground between those who seem to not have anything in common – they are seen as peacekeepers in a way, the middle person, the binder of wounds.  Fixers are looked upon as leaders sometimes because others trust and listen to them and that too can lead to ego issues.  It’s hard, especially when the fixer  just wants to fix things and make them right.  They just want people to get along, they want programs and groups to work, they want school and other communities to run smoothly.  And it’s hard when others won’t listen or let them use their gifts to make things better.

Great teachers are builders and fixers.  They know instinctively how to make things better for kids, families and their school communities.  Their teaching and relationship building has become an art form, and if left to their own devices and creativity, they will contribute great things and make great changes.  But if stifled, they will become frustrated and angry.  There is nothing that will destroy their very soul more than not allowing a fixer or builder to do what they know they can do and what needs to be done in order to make things better.  Sometimes I wonder if that’s not why teachers are leaving the profession in droves.  Perhaps it’s not because they don’t want to build and fix anymore, but because they are not allowed to.  And if they are not allowed to build and fix anymore, where will the new builders and fixers come from?

The builder in our story has gone on to build in other places, leaving a wonderful legacy that will affect generations.  The fixer, who remains to be identified, wants so badly to fix things but finds his or herself  having to turn their head, hoping that by trying to ignore the problems that need to be fixed, the frustration will go away.  The end of the story remains to be seen.

“He’s not real” said the little blond sitting on the floor.  “He’s just a puppet”.  I have my puppet make as close to an “I can’t believe you said that pose” as I can get, which is not very good since the puppet can’t change facial expressions, and some of the kids giggle, but this child keeps insisting he’s not real.  Finally I look at him and say, let’s just have some fun and PRETEND he’s real.  Still not completely sold, he shrugs his shoulders and says ok.

I get it.  It’s not a real duck and he’s just a manipulative to use with the lesson I’m teaching, but for crying out loud, the child is five.  He’s only been walking and talking for maybe four years and he’s supposed to be playing and pretending things. And in the place of what should be this innocent, wide eyed child who would believe anything, was a slightly cynical, “why are you boring me with this puppet when I’m more mature than that” little human.  It was a little sad actually.  Especially since I know that everything else in his little academic world is going to be pretty concrete.

They’re not all like that of course.  There are the kids who want to pet the duck on the way out the door and then give him all kinds of hugs and kisses along the way.  I need to find a way to disinfect the duck after each class I suppose.  The duck is all a part of the lesson; a song sung about the duck, and instrument played when the duck “claps”, a game of movement involving funny duck walks AND, the infamous Duck, Duck, Goose.  The kids recognize the game of course, but the actual logistics of the game sometimes escape them.  And this is where they become the little kid.

Each time a child gets his or her turn, they are all kinds of excited.  Big smile on their face, carefully tapping their friends as they go around the circle, debating who the “goose” is going to be.  Sometimes there is more than one time around the circle and they need to be reminded to make a choice.  Some kids are just very clinical about the whole thing, walking at a brisk pace saying, duck, duck, duck, duck GOOSE and taking off.  Some however, are much more deliberate; duuuuck, duuuuck, duuuuck…. (wait for it….). preparing to run…..GOOSE!! and the giggle and screams ensue.  It’s the best part of the day for sure as we’re all laughing together.

There are the kids who get so excited that they get up to chase and can’t decide which direction to go and for a couple of seconds are in danger of running into each other about halfway around the circle.  So then they do the little dance – ok, you go that way, no YOU go that way, until they finally get it figured out and go the same direction.  Then there are the kids who don’t bother to get up but just reach up and tag the kid who didn’t move fast enough, or the kid who doesn’t realize they’re the goose and sits while the kid who tagged him has already run halfway around the circle.

Then there are those kids who are always looking for the easy way to win.  Like the little guy who was chosen as the goose by his buddy, and instead of running around the circle after him to tag him, saw a hole in the circle, ran across the circle and tackled his friend on the other side.  When I told him that we don’t tackle each other in my room, he looked up at me and said “but I got him!”  Well, yes he did.  I forgot to mention the “no tackling” clause in my game directions.

And so in my little classroom of 20 children, we have the quick decision makers, the deliberate thinkers, the logical thinkers, the dreamers and those who think completely outside the box, their little personalities out there for all to see, and I ask myself, am I addressing all of these personalities in my teaching?  Am I expecting all of my kids to see the duck as “real” and to play the game according to the rules?  Or am I allowing my kids to use their strengths to explore their world in their own way and make decisions of how they want to move in the world?  Ah, the lessons we as teachers can learn from Duck, Duck, Goose.

 

This past week, I’ve been voraciously reading “Where’d You Go, Bernadette?” so I could see the movie this weekend.  I won’t bore you with any great details, other than to say it’s about a woman who, due to life circumstances, stops creating.  At one point in the story, a former mentor, after listening to her complain about everything under the sun, tells her to get back to work, and that if she doesn’t create, she’ll become a menace to society.

Do you ever wonder who those people are?  Do you ever wonder what those people were like as children?  It got me to thinking about my kids at school, as these things are apt to do, especially those kids I have who don’t quite fit the mold of what we as educators expect from children.  They’re the ones who think and behave differently, who see things differently, who have a different sense of humor than most kids.  They’re the ones who question authority, the ones who never take anything at face value and always want to know “why”.  These are the kids who will, if taught to harness this energy and creativity correctly, will take over the world.

As educators, we know that the world is looking for innovators, those who think “outside the box”, and yet, are we really providing the environment for those students to flourish?  We expect our artists to stay within the lines we create, our musicians to stop humming and singing in the hallways, our dancers to stop skipping and dancing with the singers.  Don’t check out the crickets in the puddle at recess because you might get wet, and don’t use the playground for anything more than what the manufacturer and the rules tell you you can do.  Children are born to create, but the second they try, we stop them in the name of safety or behaving responsibly.  Look, I’m all for quiet hallways, but it hurts my heart when I feel I have to stop a quiet child from skipping down the hallway to class.  It’s like I just took the joy out of his or her day.

Are these the kids disrupting our classrooms with their “inappropriate behavior”?  Are these the kids screaming for an opportunity to do something different, to just have the chance to create something without being told what to do or what to expect?  And what would happen if we created an environment for those kids to just go for it?  Not saying it wouldn’t be difficult, but if we’re supposed to be building relationships with our students and we find out they need more creative outlets, shouldn’t we as teachers be working to provide them?

You would think that in music class, this would be easy, but alas, even we in the arts are taught our craft with great discipline, often trapped in the same types of boxes as other subjects, afraid ourselves of stepping outside the confines of what we know.  I think what it’s going to take is for teachers to admit that they don’t know EVERYTHING, and join their students in their creative journeys, perhaps setting perimeters, but then enjoying whatever the results are with their students.  It’s scary stuff.

So, what I’m asking is, are those little “menaces” in our classrooms the ones who most need to create?  And what would happen to our classrooms if we actually allowed them to, stepping out of our comfort zones so that THEY can think outside the box.  Maybe we, as the adults, are inadvertently creating the menaces in the first place.

 

I’m recuperating this morning from the first week of school.  I shouldn’t say recuperating, although it feels like it.  This past week was merely introducing or reviewing procedures, doing an activity, and reading a book twenty five times.  Twenty five times.  By the time I finished the book “Because”, for the 20th time, it was like “yeah, well, whatever.  So the music changed her.”.  It’s a beautiful book with a message that brought me to tears the first time I read it, but like I said, after the 20th time, not so much.

I’m a firm believer that a child cannot learn if they don’t know how to behave or what to expect and that’s why I spend time the first week going over these things.  I want them to understand boundaries, my expectations for how they treat things and each other in my room, and the consequences of their choices, good or bad.  I also want my new little friends to know the basic logistics and rules, like where’s the bathroom, where do they sit, where the tissues are, etc. But again, after repeating virtually the same thing 25 times, I begin to question myself.  Maybe they don’t really need all that info, right?  Nope, they actually do, and so I trudge through.

One down.  One week of school finished.  One week that for some reason felt like two.  At least.  I’m looking forward to actually teaching next week, singing, playing instruments, playing games and learning about MUSIC.  However, I’m also a little concerned as I observed some interesting behaviors from my kids.  The first week of school is usually what I consider the “honeymoon” period.  Even those kids who have had me before, knowing that each year is a little different will cut me a break the first week, at least behaviorally.  But not this year.  Oh sure, I always have those Kindergarteners or new kids who just don’t have a clue as to how to dwell in a classroom setting who are literally wandering around my room, but this year I had some friends who never broke stride from when they left me in May.  Same inappropriate behavior, same frustrations, same anger, same calls for help.    Very seldom do I have kids cry during the first week unless they’re in kindergarten and they miss mommy.  I had cryers at some grade level every day this week. It was a little scary actually.  School shouldn’t be a place of sadness or stress.

I also had those kids who were so happy to be back, running up for hugs, asking excitedly about choir, wanting to know who the new dead guy was, trying to impress the new kids with their knowledge of how things are done in music class.  Smiles and hugs everywhere.  By the end of the week however, they dragged themselves in, tired eyes, sluggish, not quite in the routine of it all, looking a lot like…their teachers.  I have to admit I really felt for them.  I’m having trouble keeping the eyes open as I write, but I’m forcing myself to stay awake because I’m meeting a friend for brunch and it would probably be a good thing if I didn’t oversleep. But this past week kicked my butt.

One week down and 36 or 37 to go.  I’m not quite sure.  In education we usually count our time in days.  I’m contracted to work for 191 days.  There are 176 student days.  So, I have 171 more days with students.  Not that I’m counting.  But I can do anything for 171 days, especially if I count them down a week at a time, right?  Teaching little ones is a young person’s sport, or at least young at heart, that’s for sure.  I certainly kept up with them much better nearly 30 years ago than I do now.  I always say kids have not changed, but the culture and environment have, so how can they help but change with it?

When I have Kindergartners who don’t know their classmates’ names after the first week because they’ve done nothing but academics since they walked in the door, that’s a change.  Some say this is progress, that kids need to be challenged academically at an earlier age.  I respectfully disagree in that I think they should be playing games and getting to know each other and taking naps and having snacks, especially if they’re at school for a whole day, before they are introduced to the academics.  We as educators  spent an awful lot of time talking about building relationships with our students this year, but I’m not sure that we give them the opportunity to build healthy relationships amongst themselves.  Maybe that’s the plan for next week.

One down.

 

 

 

Wine is a wonderful thing for so many reasons.  It might help a person to relax after a long day. It may enhance the flavors of a wonderful meal. It may release creativity or loosen the tongue a bit.  Enough wine can magnify the personality and the mood of a person, perhaps making conversations a tad more interesting, so I will share at the outset, that this is a bit of a social experiment and yes, I have been partaking in a bit of the “fruit of the vine”.

So, why wine?  Well, because I can’t deal with the smell of beer and it’s too much trouble to make myself a fruity mixed drink, although all the ingredients are here.  There’s too much measuring – why would I want to do math before I have something to drink?  I hate math. Just pouring seems so much more simple.  And thanks to my wine loving friends who take me to wonderful wineries with them, I have a selection to choose from.  Over the years I have learned what I like and don’t like in terms of ingredients and how the wine is aged.  If nothing else, I’ve learned I don’t want my wine to taste like wood.  End of story.

The choice tonight is called “Solace”, an apt name, especially on certain evenings or occasions.  It is only the third day of school, and perhaps I could use some solace?  Nah. Or perhaps I could use some solace after dealing with a person on the phone who was supposed to be helping me activate a bank card, but only asked me what my name was on the card 4-5 times before telling me I would have to call my bank because she couldn’t help me.  All because when my card was re-issued (my other card was compromised on vacation), they left off my middle initial.  Completely blew this girl’s mind.  Ah, but another sip, and “Solace” is taking away some of the irritation that obviously still lingers.

I’m betting there were a lot of writers who were wine drinkers.  I wonder if it really enhanced their writing or not?  I guess we’ll never know.  I’m one that prides herself in always being in control, but how would you know if you’ve had enough wine?  Do I say more or say things differently when I’ve had a couple of glasses?  Is my writing more thoughtful or just more off the wall?  As a person who is very careful with words and who is fearful of speaking, sometimes a little wine can be refreshing and allow what I’m really thinking or feeling to come through.  On the other hand, as a person who is wary of what people think, I still tend to be careful of what I say.  After all what you say can follow you around for a long time.

Drinking wine is sometimes perceived as something people with “culture” do, those with money and “taste”.  I have neither.  However,  I do like wine and and I like learning about it.  But then I like to learn about a lot of things, so why should this be any different?  But the best thing about wine is that sitting around and drinking it can be a great excuse to gather with friends and enjoy each others company or it can be a time to be by yourself and become introspective.  It is also a great way to put yourself to sleep after a long day which is probably where this will lead in the next few minutes.

If the wine were speaking right now, seeing I’ve become a bit introspective, it would speak of how dismal our future seems to be, that we, as a country, are allowing others to do and speak for us and we’re just letting it happen, doing little more than complaining about it or just dealing with it, as though this is just how things are going to be.  It would say that we are doing more finger pointing and complaining about others than looking at ourselves in the mirror and seeing where we can improve ourselves before we try to improve or help others.   It would say that sometimes I get discouraged when I try to find compromise and collaboration in a task or situation and it feels like I’m all by myself in this effort.  Sometimes the wine allows the sadness to take over and I want to give up.

And sometimes the wine builds fortitude.  It helps me gather strength to fight the next fight, gives me the motivation to keep striving for what I believe is best for my country, for my family, for teachers and for students, even when the world seems to have lost all of its common sense.  It give me courage to speak up when I might not otherwise, still careful to remain in control because again, words are powerful and will represent me for a long time.  Or maybe it’s not the wine at all and its just a matter of getting older and needing to speak my mind when I feel really strongly about something.  It’s just easier to blame the wine and easier on the ego than believing I’m just getting older.

The wine is speaking again.  It’s telling me to finish this glass and get ready for school tomorrow before I fall asleep on the chaise….

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s a quiet, gray, rainy day,  the kind of day that calls for reading books and taking naps.  There’s a solitary bird sitting in the freshly filled bird feeder and as I watch him I wonder if birds can be introverts and if he just loves his time alone.  The rain is cleaning the roads and sidewalks and refreshing the plants and the grass.  It’s a nice change after several weeks of sunshine.  Did I just say that?  Well, like I’ve said before, it’s in the contrast that we feel the most emotion and the most appreciative.  Anyway, it’s the day before the first day of school, and while it doesn’t feel like it, for me it’s the last day of summer.

Oh sure, summer is officially here until September 22, but by then we’ll have been in school for over a month and it certainly won’t feel like summer.  So, how will I spend my day, this last day of summer?  Will I spend it napping and reading?  After all, my better half is in the office again today, writing more marching band drill (tis the season), so despite the fact that we’re in the same place, I really have the day and the place to myself.

The day before school is a day of preparation for me, a day to be ready to walk out the door tomorrow and kick into gear for another school year.  This begins my 29th year of teaching and so my classroom is ready, the seating charts are finished, the beginning of year presentation about procedures and expectations is ready to go and hopefully I’ll have time to do the activity I have planned for afterwards.  As far as school is concerned, this girl is ready.  So for me, the preparation today is for ME, the savoring of the last day of choosing when I eat and for how long, using the bathroom when I want, and setting my own agenda for the day.  It’s the little things.

Tomorrow brings immediate, intense structure, dictated by others and revolving around children, the antithesis of how I’ve been living the last eleven weeks.  It begins another year of working to strike a balance between work, home, family and service to an organization that strives to serve the needs of music teachers and their students.  It’s an exercise of weighing priorities, learning when to say no when necessary, working to effectively structure my days in order to get things accomplished on time.  It’s also a time when self care is a struggle, when getting enough sleep, eating right and taking time to be alone and regroup is hard and sometimes impossible.  It all confirms that I, that WE as teachers, more than earned those eleven weeks.

I’m not alone in this day before preparation.  There are thousands of music teachers across the country who have already begun rehearsals to get ready for the school year, teachers who have spent hours getting their rooms ready (if the rooms are available to make ready), teachers who have attended professional development, worked on curriculum, written lesson plans, and taught music camps.  Teachers who have not just prepared the day before school starts, but the entire summer, tweaking things they did the year before, learning how to do things better, working to engage their students even more this year than last.  For so many, this day before is the culmination of work done throughout the summer, always with the student in mind.

So here is to my fellow teachers, some of whom have already begun, some who like me, begin tomorrow, some who begin in the next few weeks.  We have the hardest, most rewarding, most exhausting, most important job in the world besides parenting, and that’s teaching.  The future is always in our hands as we equip young people to find their place in the world to hopefully make it a better place.  As I listen to the birds singing outside, I think about how lucky we are as music teachers.  We help students to create, perform, connect and respond to music.  My wish for you is that you find your balance this year, that you have great friends and family to lean on and that you build strong relationships with your students.  Enjoy the day before!

More than once in my career, I’ve had a student express that they don’t like “slow” songs. So I tell them, “well, without slow songs, there wouldn’t be fast songs”.  After a moment of silence and a slight deer in the headlights look from them, I then say, “just like there is no loud without soft”.  By this time they’re just shaking their head thinking this is just some crazy old lady stuff she’s talking about here, but it’s true, isn’t it?  We live in a world of opposites, a world of contrasts.  And, maybe I’m just weird, but when it’s too much of one thing over another, it overwhelms me.  Where I want to live is within the contrast.

So let me share where my thoughts are coming from.  Last night we went to the theater to watch drum corps championships  streamed live from Indianapolis.  For those of you not familiar with drum corps, just think marching band on steroids and then check out Carolina Crown on YouTube – they’re my current favorite.  Anyway, this is an activity I usually love, this being my 45th year of watching these groups, but last night it was all too much of one thing.  Loud and fast, loud and fast.  Blast some phrases with very little melody, followed by some drum thing and repeat.  There was no contrast.  After a while I was just craving something soft and melodic.  It’s only when you hear or experience one side of the pendulum that you crave the opposite side.

To everything there is a season.  Read the lyrics of Turn, Turn, Turn written by Pete Seeger:

(Based on the Book of Ecclesiastes, Chapter 3).

In verse 11 of that particular chapter it says, “He (God) has made everything beautiful in its time”.   I’m putting the emphasis on “everything” here.  How can killing or dying or morning or hate be beautiful?  In of themselves, they aren’t, but it’s the contrast between killing and healing, being born and dying, hating or loving that makes time beautiful.  We have no way to judge how beautiful something is until we have seen the ugly.  And what happens when we see or hear or experience that contrast is where we become emotionally moved, and our heart is opened.  How many times, in the most horrific of circumstances does the smallest display of kindness bring smiles and joyful tears?  It is because we’ve seen that contrast and it has meaning.

So as I’m watching this incredibly hard music played with great precision at an extreme level on both the instrument and by its master, I was moved most of all by the simplicity of a quiet melody, the quietness followed at just the right time with an emotional swell of volume, like a cry of joy.  The tightness of the chest, the quick tear to the eye, brought on not only by sound but by the timeliness of the contrast within the sound.

This is why, I believe that in the midst of ugliness, whether it be within music or within our culture, that it becomes even more important to find the contrast to that ugliness.  We cannot wait for someone else to finally look for the contrast, we must take the first step ourselves. It’s when we dwell only in the ugliness that it becomes overwhelming,  when it takes over our lives and it’s all we can see.  However, like opposites light and dark, all it takes is one small light for contrast to make all the difference in the darkness.

The lyrics above were originally written somewhere between the 3rd and 10th century B.C. depending on who you talk to,  and while the words taken from the Biblical text for the song are taken out of context, the words still rang true when Pete Seeger used them in 1962 during the escalation of the Vietnam war.  I daresay they ring true today as we struggle as a nation.  The words, “a time of love, a time of hate”, especially.  To love despite the hate is where the contrast and the power lie. Life is all about contrasts and yet we have those who would linger on one side or the other rather than living within and experiencing the contrast, where cooperation and compromise dwell.   To everything there is a season….

I have a love/hate relationship with meetings.  Because when they’re good, they’re very, very good and when they are bad they are horrid, as per the Henry Wadsworth Longfellow poem “There Was a Little Girl”.  Well organized meetings can inform, challenge and even inspire us while not so well organized meetings can cause you to look to your colleagues around the table and mouth the words “kill me now”.

I have sat through and led many meetings for various reasons, some live, some virtual, some big, some small.  Virtual meetings are an interesting concept.  They make me think of George Jetson calling in sick to Mr. Spacely on the cartoon “The Jetsons”.  You’re there but you’re not REALLY there.  This means that off to the side you can be surfing through Facebook, have anything in your drinking glass and be sitting in your underwear and nobody will be any the wiser.  Not like the meetings where “business” or “business casual” is the required mode of dress because you’re going to be discussing really important things (just like you were in your virtual meeting), except now people can actually see what you’re wearing or doing, so sitting in your underwear is probably NOT a great idea.

The biggest problem with virtual meetings is that it’s difficult to read body language, and I’m one of those people, especially if I’m running a meeting, that needs to see body language.  Does everyone understand, are they upset, bored, disinterested, excited? It’s hard to tell in a virtual meeting.  Is there someone who is typically really quiet who has that look on their face like they want to say something?  You would never catch that in a virtual meeting.  It’s important.  Everyone needs to be heard from in a meeting, otherwise, why would they bother to meet?

Informational meetings are fine (unless it could have been said in an email), but what makes them really bad is when you do nothing but sit for three hours.  Educators are the worst at this.  We would NEVER do this to our students for that length of time, but we do it to each other without thinking.  Oh sure, we can get up to use the restroom whenever we want, but inevitably, we have to re-enter a room in total silence, wearing flip-flops that say their name every time you take a step.  I should know better than to wear flip flops I guess.  And we could talk about how rude educators can be in meetings as well, but that’s fodder for another blog.

This all sounds rather negative I’m afraid, but remember, this is a LOVE/hate relationship, because when meetings are good – well, you know the rest.  I love a meeting where I have been challenged, where people have a chance to speak their mind in a safe environment and people can come to consensus.  I love meetings where you can make decisions that really make the organization better and help people.  I love a meeting that touches you emotionally, that inspires you to think outside the box, to be vulnerable, and  perhaps allows you to remember why you got involved in this profession/organization/cause in the first place.  Today was one of those days.

It doesn’t hurt, of course that I was gathered with MY PEOPLE.  My music people, where there were hugs and smiles all around, where you were encouraged by colleagues and invited to partake in multiple donuts, breakfast pizza and other delicacies while catching up on what everyone did over the summer.  Then down to business with someone who understands how to run a meeting in small chunks, several changes and with an ebb and  flow that was truly artistic.  We laughed, we cried, we pondered, we considered change and mentally took on the challenges of the new school year.  We all left knowing that as with all school years, there will be great times and hard times, but that we are surrounded by our music family who will be there for advice or to commiserate when needed.  Now THAT was meeting.

The meetings are finished now for the week and with two work days ahead, we will greet another group of students on Monday to begin another year of school.  Another year of team meetings, PLC meetings, MTSS-B meetings, BLT meetings, PLC leader meetings and staff meetings, to focus on the most important part of what we do and that is to build relationships with students and engage them in learning.  Here’s to another year of meetings.

Yesterday I was reading the story of a woman who just turned 107.  When asked what her secret to longevity was, she said it was the fact that she never got married.  Her sister, age 102, says she wishes that  she hadn’t got married, but longevity obviously runs in the family anyway.  Over the years, I’ve often wondered what the secret is to a long, healthy marriage.  After all, I’ve known many couples, some married for decades who for whatever reason decide to split.  It’s a scary thing, especially when you see yourself in these couples and you wonder why you have survived this institution of marriage when others haven’t.

We would be led to believe, especially with social media, that everyone is a happy camper, all posed with their significant other and their perfect little families.  But let’s face it, life is hard, which means that relationships, including marriages are hard.  Maintaining and growing relationships takes hard work.  Initiating a relationship, despite how it may feel sometimes, is actually pretty simple, and the feelings of euphoria that follow, the magic of a beautiful marriage ceremony and honeymoon can make the institution of marriage seem just as simple.  It’s anything but.

I lost count of the number of times I spent crying in the only room with a door in our little efficiency apartment on campus right after we got married. For the life of me, I can’t remember what in the world I was upset about, but something didn’t match my image of what I thought marriage should be.  I didn’t have a great example of that kind of relationship growing up and I made the same mistakes I had seen.  I thought about leaving many times because it seemed the easy or only way out of a situation that I didn’t know how to handle.  That’s because, unfortunately, if you DON’T have a great example to follow, there are no manuals out there to take you step by step through the process.  It’s a lot like parenting.  Boy, could I write. book about the number of mistakes I made being a parent! Anyway, over the years, we’ve both started to figure out how to make this work.  It’s a process that takes time and effort. So now moving towards our 40th year of marriage, I want to share some things that I’ve figured out that have worked for us.

1.  There are three in our marriage.  No, I don’t mean Prince Charles, Princess Diana and Lady Camilla.  We married in church and took seriously the fact that we married in front of God and witnesses.  Even when I forgot, Jesus has always been there.
2. Just because you “become one”, doesn’t mean you are no longer an individual.  You are still unique and have a unique purpose.  Now you just have someone to share your journey with.
3. Growing pains are hard.  Every time one of us grew or changed, the other had to adjust.  Change in hard and takes a while.  Be patient with each other.
4. Communication is EVERYTHING.  Especially if you begin your sentence with things like “I feel….” instead of “you did….”.  Holding things in until you explode is BAD.  Took me a while to learn that.
5. Mistakes will be made.  Sometimes BIG mistakes.  Words like love, patience, forgiveness and grace become real during times like these.
6. Sometimes sacrifice will be necessary.  Choices have to made which may be better for one person than the other.  See #4 and try to let it go eventually.  I’m slow at the letting go part….
7. Set up dates to go out and put them on the calendar like you do everything else in your life.  Even “mini” dates to the grocery can be fun and allow you time to talk together.  Especially of one of you likes to dance and ride the grocery cart down the aisles.  So embarrassing….
8. Kids are important but not more important than your marriage relationship.  When they leave the nest, you and your spouse will still be together.  If you have worked together with and for the kids, your marriage will be stronger.
9. Hug every day and kiss each other goodnight every night.  It’s hard going to bed mad – it makes it hard to sleep and just feels wrong.  See #4 again.
10. Best friends make the best marriages.  Just a personal opinion.  Even if we weren’t married, I would still love hanging out with him.

I obviously can’t speak for those dear friends of mine who have made the decision to separate.  I emphasize again that marriage is HARD and sometimes despite best efforts, it just doesn’t work.  I have no room to judge.  These are things that I have learned in my journey and if it helps, I’m glad.  Maybe if the hard times and struggles weren’t  so secret and if we all just communicated those things, we could help each other.  No more secrets.

P.S. The picture is from a family reunion with my in-laws (the ones in the front holding hands) who this past December celebrated their 60th year of marriage.  THEY have become my how-to manual.

It’s the same thing every year.  Summer is this big chunk of time where I’m going to get all this stuff DONE!  I’m going to scrub every room, throw out all kinds of stuff I didn’t even know I had, write the book (I did work on it), swim every day, and read fun books, just to read.  Well, I did a little of each I suppose, but here it is, the Thursday before meetings begin on Monday, the beginning of year 29 of teaching and I’m asking, where did the summer go?

Well, I have to admit I slept.  A lot.  It was as though I couldn’t catch up on the sleep.  I’ve told myself that it was ok, that my body was trying to tell me something.  Ok, maybe it’s just telling me I’m getting older, but it was definitely telling me something.  I stopped feeling guilty about it about two days into summer, because after all, I’m a night owl, as evidenced by the fact that I’m writing this at 12:30 a.m.  I tend to get my second wind around 10:00 p.m. which is why if I don’t get to bed by 9:30 during the school year, I’m awake for awhile.

As for the scrubbing part, I did keep things straightened, clothes washed, rooms vacuumed, but never really scrubbed.  I rearranged artwork on my walls and even bought some new stuff.  My husband seems to think I’m going to run out of room on the walls, but you can never have enough artwork, right?  I did swim some, read a couple of books on leadership (fun, but not fun, if you get my drift), and wrote a bit.  And meetings begin Monday.

Well, I should say that I also spent the equivalent of a week working on school things.  Curriculum tweaking, professional development, Tier 1 PBiS which is now going by another acronym which I may remember before it changes again, a team meeting, a PLC meeting about PLC meetings, and half day of a new teacher orientation.  Another week was spent in Washington D.C. advocating for music education and meeting with state leaders at our National Assembly, there was an new grandson adopted, a birthday party, lunches and wine trips with friends and a lovely, week long vacation.  Ok, now I’m seeing where the summer went.

All this to say, that although I’m asking where the summer went, it really was a great summer.  A time to rest and rejuvenate, a time to teach and learn, a time to spend with family and friends and celebrate life.  The best part is I got to schedule most of it, ate as slowly as I wanted AND got to run to the bathroom whenever I needed.  It’s the little things in life.  It was enough of a break that while I’m a little overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done RIGHT NOW coming my way in preparation for the school year, I’m ready to start.  I’m ready to do better.  Ready to improve my teaching, ready to better  relate to my students, ready to mentor a future teacher again, ready to work hard and try to make a difference.  I will work my butt off for the next 191 days (not including weekends) and maybe do all that stuff I wanted to do this summer NEXT summer.