I am a lover of great stories, good or bad, happy or sad, if it’s full of twists and turns and great character development, I’m there.  That’s why nothing intrigues me more than shows like Who Do You Think You Are? or Finding Your Roots because there’s nothing like finding out some interesting twist or skeleton in your family tree that throws you for a loop.  Since getting back on Ancestry.com lately, I’m finding some interesting stories myself, pulling me in to learn more in a way that explains why my family was the way it was.

You always have dreams of your family being related to royalty or at least someone famous, but my family seems to have had enough drama to create their own TV mini-series.  I won’t go into any details here, but let’s just say some of the information has me questioning things I was told by family or information that was completely covered up.  It makes for interesting reading in a medium that is already a time suck anyway.

I’m always surprised when I watch people on these shows who cry when they find out something sad about their ancestors or who celebrate when they find out something exciting or brave that their ancestors did.  Why is it so important to know and understand the people in our past?  These ancestors helped shape who we are and we all have longing to be connected.  Well, knowing what I’ve discovered so far, it goes a long way in explaining why my parents were the way they were and it’s a shame to find some of this after they’re gone.  But maybe during this process I can discover more of who I am and why.

My parents were pretty closed people – not wanting to air their dirty laundry, so to speak.  So I didn’t  find out my dad had been married before until he asked me to look up information on his former wife on the internet because he didn’t know how to do it.  That was really interesting but at the same time, I was thinking, I’m almost 40, why am I just now hearing about this?  Shouldn’t families tell each other things or am I expecting too much of my parents, who were faulty human beings, just like the rest of us?  Were they too ashamed to share with their children that they were flawed, made mistakes or had challenging life experiences? Shame can drive people to completely close up, when in reality, we can learn so much from these experiences.

For those of you who grew up in wonderful, open, nurturing families, this whole thing may seem foreign to you, but for those of use whose upbringing was, let’s say, more volatile, this is total enlightening.  Having years of feeling shame for any number of things and then finding out that your parents and grandparents, etc. struggled with the same kinds of things is liberating in a strange sort of way.  Seeing the circumstances they grew up in and with whom can explain so much about them and in turn, me.

So yes, today I spent some time opening closet doors and looking for skeletons, attempting to put myself in their shoes for a while and then closing those doors to appreciate where I am with my own family, despite the skeletons.

Summer is a great time to just surf TV, sometimes ending up on a guilty pleasure like Dr. Phil.  Today’s show was about a woman who lived in this beautiful 9000 sq. ft. home with beautifully manicured lawns and gardens.  And on the inside, a nightmare of piles and piles of stuff gathered over the years by this woman who was obsessed with holding on to things.  On the outside you would never have known, but hidden on the inside, a mess.

I think a lot of people are like that, a mess on the inside but trying to make it look good on the outside.  Take Facebook for instance.  Most of the stuff people put on there are all the great things going on in their lives, all smiles, selfies with their make-up and hair all perfect, making it look like they haven’t got a care in the world.  What would it look like it we put up pictures of what we looked like when we got out of bed in the morning instead?  Scary thought, huh? What if Facebook reflected what was happening on the inside as well?

Imagine pictures of your kids having hissy fits instead of all dressed up in their finest for posed pictures.  Or maybe a picture with your spouse after you’ve had an argument instead of on a date.  And wouldn’t it be funny to see all the things that went wrong on your vacation instead of what went right?

So why do we do this?  We all have bad days or skeletons in our closets and vices of one kind or another.  We’re human beings after all.  That’s why I often wonder why we hold certain people to higher standards than others, like teachers or politicians or even religious leaders.  Just the fact that we’re all human means we’re imperfect, so why are we surprised when one of these people ends up having some ugly underneath the surface?  Well it’s obviously because they’ve been hiding behind a facade, a Facebook appropriate image that everyone expects but that nobody can really maintain.

Now I’m not saying there aren’t people in the world where what you see is what you get, but they seem to fewer and far between nowadays.  I for one appreciate honesty, even if it’s something uncomfortable.  Like a parent of mine at school who is dealing with cancer treatments, sharing the good and the bad.  Or another friend who daily shared her grief journey after her husband passed away.  And yet another has shared his struggles with PTSD. I learn from these people and get to know them better as human beings and not just the images they post on social media.  I see courage, perseverance, and just plain grit from people who are going through difficult life experiences.  I learn from people who are willing to share experiences of stepping out of their comfort zones to encourage the rest of us to give things a try.

But in our world today, honesty is hard.  Everyone is so judgmental and intolerant that it takes real courage to share who you are, what you believe and things you may be dealing with.  Sometimes people you thought were your friends close the door in your face because it might be embarrassing to say they know you.  The chances of getting hurt are pretty high and so all we show or see are the safe facades that everyone can deal with.  Maybe your life is perfect and you can be holier than thou and judge others for being human, but I know I shouldn’t because I’m far from being perfect.  That doesn’t mean I don’t judge and I’m ashamed to say that, but it’s honest.  I need to remember that it’s not my job to judge or try to change others.  My only job is to love others, despite their flaws.

In my own life I work hard to control the external because sometimes the internal is pretty ugly and depressing and let’s face it, nobody wants to see that.  It’s something I’m working on because as I get older, I’m learning to love and forgive myself so that maybe one day, my external and internal will be the same.

 

 

 

I actually got the whole gang out for dinner last night.  It was last minute and not very fancy but all three sons, two daughter in laws and grandson gathered at Village Inn to eat on short notice.  I always get a kick out of watching my boys get together as the conversation can go just about anywhere.  For awhile it was about Westworld which turned into a discussion of the original with Yul Brenner and all of his films, which turned into The Ten Commandments, then Charlton Heston and finally all the way to a connection to John Wayne.  You have to be quick to stay with these guys.

They try not to get into conversations about religion or politics anymore, for while they are all well read and not the least bit apathetic about what is going on, they all come from completely different points of view and things can get heated.  Not SO heated that they can’t give each other a hug afterwards.  But last night, my oldest went in a completely different direction and asked, “so David, you’re an artist. How is a completely white canvas art?”

This set up a very interesting conversation about art and music in general.  What is art?  Who decides what art is?  Who decides which art is valuable and which art is not?  Is it about technique or is it about the meaning behind it?  The conversation was fast and furious, with everyone getting involved.  Art speaks to people and everyone has an opinion based on whatever level of knowledge they may or may not have.  I wonder sometimes if those of us who have extensive knowledge in one area or another are a bit jaded whenever something new comes along?  What if it doesn’t meet the standards of what we’ve come to believe is “good” art or “good” music?

So is a Renoir better than a Picasso?  Is Beethoven better than John Cage?  Can’t anyone write 4 minutes and 33 seconds of silence?  Can’t anyone paint a distorted face?  How about a plain white canvas?  Do we dare silence creativity because it’s odd or different?  After all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

And that’s the key, isn’t it?  I may look at a piece of art that may be pretty mediocre technique wise, but the hummingbirds on it remind me of my. grandmother, so it speaks to me.  A piece of pop music from the 70’s plays on the radio and I’m transported to a happy place and time.  It’s not the greatest piece of music ever written, but it speaks to me.  And who knows, hummingbirds may be special to the person who painted them or the song may tell a story from someones’s life.  It’s a human connection that goes beyond the art form itself.  Art and music are a conduit that connects people.

How else can we explain why thousands of people gather to hear a particular artist perform or hear an orchestra play pieces by a particular composer.  Why else do people gather at art galleries when they show paintings from one of the Masters?  Sure, I think it’s important to have some background knowledge before listening to or seeing these things, but sometimes you just need to listen to or look at it and see how it speaks to you personally.  Your interpretation may be completely different because you come from a different place, and in the arts, all interpretations can be valid.

So is a pure white canvas art? Well, I’m no art expert, but in music, the definition of music is “sound organized in time”.  That could be the sounds of my dishwasher right now.  Is it music?  It’s all in the ears of the beholder.

You know, the problem with typing on a computer keyboard is that you can’t do a frustrated scratch out, crumple up and toss when you need to.  Highlight and delete just isn’t physical enough to deal with the frustration of emotions and lack of focus some days when I’m trying to write.  Today is one of those days.

So, here comes a stream of consciousness blog.  If you are bored enough to read it, thank you, but just know now that this is just me letting it all hang out.  One of the problems with my personality is that I can live in my head for quite some time, but at some point, my head turns against me and my thoughts become a problem.  Today my thoughts are turning to loneliness and whether I’m just feeling sorry for myself.  The motivation level to do anything constructive today is below zero and I have sat in the same place for hours, trying to talk myself into doing something.  It’s not like I don’t have friends, but again, my head turns against me and tells me things like they’re too busy or doing other things and I don’t want to bother them.  It’s where living in my head and being an introvert converge to make life seriously no fun.

This all goes completely against what I say and do most days.  I love my little oasis and I love being alone with my thoughts.  As an introvert, I need the alone time to recharge.  But there’s a difference between being alone and becoming lonely.  I joke about the band widow thing, but when I see my spouse for maybe an hour a day, for long periods of time,  it can start to feel really lonely.  It is what it is and it’s been this way for a long time.  I should be used to it, and just when I think I am, I’m not.  Knowing he reads all my blogs, I hope he knows I completely support what he loves to do, but it is truly a love/hate relationship for me sometimes.

And so I stay busy.  Busy with emails and Facebook and writing my blog, busy working on projects and planning trips.  Busy trouble shooting things for others, busy saying yes to and preparing for meetings.  But once in a while, the busy-ness is just not enough to combat feeling lonely.  This is why I never see myself completely “retiring”.  I may leave one thing and begin work on something else, but I don’t think I’ll ever actually retire.  What would I do without something to keep me busy?

I tell myself maybe it’s not so bad to just sit and be lazy once in a while.  Maybe it’s not so bad to feel sad once in a while. Life has its ups and downs and not every day is going to be stellar.  But I always feel so guilty and tend to stress when I’m not busy doing something.  I should be cleaning the kitchen or planning the beginning of school or something, right?  But then again, maybe just sitting and meditating or praying, watching the birds in the birdfeeder, sitting with a good glass of wine, or coloring a page in my coloring book might be just the change of pace I need.

Maybe others don’t go through this kind of thing because they aren’t teaching for a living.  After shoving twelve months worth of work into ten with 400+ students, I will tell you I have earned this break.  But sometimes I’m actually grateful for that professional development or meeting that shows up in the schedule during the summer because it gives me something structured to do.  With the boys grown and doing their own thing and my husband so busy, I need to stay busy as well.

So 640 words later, I’m beginning to feel better.  Doing this reminds me how much I need this outlet when things get emotional or stressful, those intangible things that get in the way of just being a productive human being. Yes, I’m still alone, but the electronic equivalent of crumpling up the paper and tossing it has begun to work.  My hope when writing this blog is that what I write will somehow touch others, and maybe you’ve been able to relate to the stream I threw out today, but some days, like today, I just need it for me.

 

 

 

Whenever someone begins to reminisce about the ’80’s I tend to jokingly say something about that being the decade I was having children and I don’t remember much.  It’s not far from the truth because as I look back on that time, I tend to think of it as my lost decade.  It was a time of floundering for me, no real direction in terms of my family, my career or my faith, merely doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing, and assuming that anything I had tried and failed at was a done deal.

Having quit college to go to work as a newlywed to a senior in college, I felt like both a failure and a grown-up.  After all, statistics say that someone who leaves college will likely never go back to finish, so I believed the statistics.  I had found a job that paid just enough to feed us and pay our meager rent and we had generous parents who provided some things along the way and I loved my new husband.  Maybe it wasn’t going to be so bad.

Several years and jobs later, I found myself pregnant with our first child.  We had not really planned to have a child yet, in fact, we didn’t tend to plan much of anything,  other than what revolved around band.  However, a family member/friend was expecting and so, by golly, I should be too.  Six weeks after her child was born, mine was born.  At 23, I was clueless, unprepared and trying to be the grown-up I was supposed to be.  I wandered through several other jobs, trying to figure out what I wanted to do but never really finding that thing I loved.  Four years later, son number two was born, nine months after my friend had her second child.  I thought that was what I was supposed to do.  I thought I would bring me fulfillment.

Unhappy and frustrated with the direction my life was going, I was living vicariously through anyone else who seemed to be enjoying their life, trying to make it mine.  For instance, I was staff for my husband’s band camps for years.  It was something I liked to do, but it was partly because it was the only way I would see him during marching season and it was the only way to do what I had wanted to do in terms of a career, but because I had left college, the dream was now gone.

In terms of my faith, I grew up in a family that did not attend church, but I was fortunate to have a friend who invited me and at 16 I became a Christian.  I met my husband, also a Christian, and followed him to his denomination.  I was baptized, for the second time and did my best to serve at church in a variety of ways.  Again, I was unprepared and clueless as to what real faith was.  When my second son was born prematurely, I questioned God and walked away from the church.  It didn’t take much because I don’t think I was doing it for me – I was doing what I thought others expected me to do.

In the latter part of the 80’s I began to take classes at the community college and loved it.  I met a teacher who taught me how to write and I have loved it ever since.  The success there spurred me on to transfer to a university where with now three boys, babysitters, a husband who was willing to commute, a Pell Grant and three years of work, I finished my degree and landed on the Dean’s List.  Again, it wasn’t pretty, but we made it and now I had this accomplishment under my belt and was beginning to find direction.  It took a couple of years to find a full time teaching position, but when I did I stayed for awhile. It would take many more years before I would begin to see where my dreams would take me, no longer living vicariously through others.

I share this because I find that people I associate with now are surprised that I took such a bizarre path to where I am today.  I did not initially get through school, I married young, I had children young, I worked everywhere from a donut shop to an insurance company making cold calls to being a secretary.  Many kinds of life experiences that I see now have prepared me to speak from a very practical point of view to people who maybe have not experienced this.  There are late bloomers in this world, late bloomers that if given the right encouragement, support and opportunities can make something of themselves and hopefully give back to their communities.

I could blame a lot of things for my path, but blaming is pretty useless in the long run and leaves us stuck in the past.  It was MY path, unlike any other and it has strengthened my family, my career and my faith.  It was not pretty and sometimes it was downright embarrassing, but I think it’s important to share these things because I know there are others out there like me, others who think they should have been just like everyone else when in reality, they needed to take their own path to grow into who they were meant to be.  It’s never too late to try again or try something new.

Do I wish I had followed a straighter, more conventional path?  Yes and no. I’m not sure I would be as grateful for where I am now if it hadn’t been for my earlier life experiences and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have known who to be grateful to.  He knows the path He has for me and I’m doing my best to keep following it, grateful every step of the way.

 

 

 

 

In interviews, I find this this to be the second most awkward question I’ve been asked, right behind “what are your strengths?”.  Where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years?  That’s an interesting question because in the case of an interview, the answer you want to give is I want to be working for you, that’s why I’m here, right?  But that isn’t what people want to hear.  They want to hear grandiose plans for growth and success, and unfortunately, those don’t come without considerable planning.  Simply wishing for future growth and success doesn’t work.

I had that happen recently in an interview I had and I honestly didn’t know how to answer.  I mean, saying something like I see myself retired in five years probably wasn’t what they wanted to hear.  I think when people hear the word “retired” they think of relaxing, getting older, tired, or any number of things, but certainly productive isn’t one of them.  For me, however, it means options.  Options to try or pursue other things during the day when I would normally be teaching.  The idea of sitting on my laurels or in a rocking chair is not the least bit appealing to me, but pursuing other avenues of learning and doing is very appealing.

Just saying I want to go back to school or travel isn’t going to cut it.  Actually making plans to make it happen will.  My problem of course, for those of you who know me, is the whole hummingbird personality.  I want to do a little of this and a little of that and actually making a decision is so hard!  There is so much to see and do in this lifetime!  And then there’s the whole ageism thing.  I want to continue working at something, but I’m learning that some people don’t take you as seriously if you’re older.  Obviously being “current” is more important than having lived through things younger people can only read about.  It’s why I don’t have to always google stuff – I was there.

You know how people say that your high school or college years are the best times of your life?  Well, although they were good, I have to say that my life right now gets better all the time.  I’m finally at a time where I have a clue as to what I’m doing (most of the time : ),  I’ve had a great career, my family is grown, I have a grandchild, I’m in a wonderful, long relationship with my husband and I’m in a pretty comfortable place financially.  I can either sit back and say I’m satisfied or I can continue to strive and see if things get even better.  Seriously, the older I get, the better the adventures become!

This is one of the things I see seriously lacking in the education of our students and that is how to plan.  They want material things and things to happen and they want it now.  Immediate satisfaction has taken over for what used to be waiting, planning and working, and because of that, we end up with a lot of young people disappointed and disenchanted with life because things just didn’t fall into place like they think they should have.  So, they received a college education and now they should just get that dream job making as much as their parents?  They fail to remember that the style they may have been accustomed to living took their parents many years to achieve, climbing up one rung at a time.  My first full time teaching job in 1994 paid me @$16,000 a year and I thought I had died and gone to heaven.  Much less than what I’m earning now, but I’ve worked a long time and garnered more education to get where I am.  It will come, with work and planning, but it may not come right away.  We’re not teaching that to our young people.

There’s an appreciation and sense of pride that comes with planning and achieving, to say that I worked hard over a long time to get where I am.  The struggles are necessary for all of us to prove that we can do what we set out to achieve, no matter the difficulties.  It sets us up for success the next time we try something because we have more tools in our toolbox to pull from.  Even those things we can’t anticipate, things that cause set-backs or cause us to maybe veer off track are learning experiences.  We must teach this to our children and young people if we want them to be successful adults.  Nothing gets handed to us and life is not fair.  Teaching them to deal with these truths is a gift we should be giving them.

So, where do I see myself in five years?  The vision is in place, the research is being done and the logistics are being worked out.  Let’s see what happens….

 

Sitting at the airport last week, I noticed a woman about my age sitting on the ledge of the window overlooking the tarmac.  Aside from the fact that she was sitting there, looking at her phone and aggressively picking her nose (I’m not kidding), she was wearing a dress that came just to her knees.  The knees that were apart as though she was wearing a pair of shorts instead of a skirt.  I get that we’ve become a rather casual society, but ladies, if we’re going to wear a dress or skirt we’ve got to keep our knees together.

I noticed this when I visited a fast food restaurant last week as well.  A group of well groomed, young adults were sitting on stools at a high table, the two women in short skirts, again, with the knees apart.  It’s not that I’m looking for this kind of thing, really, it just hits you in the face.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been watching The Crown recently where ladies are sure to cross their ankles to keep their knees together.  It’s not only customary, it’s required within that circle.  Unlike Sharon Stone with the infamous crossing and uncrossing of the legs at the knee in Basic Instinct, crossing at the ankles is more “lady-like” and much less revealing.  If we don’t want to do this, we need to wear pants or long skirts.

Now, you would think that dresses would be a cool alternative to shorts during the summer, but not necessarily, especially if we choose to keep the knees together.  The sweat between the thighs and the chaffing that can occur are more uncomfortable than you might imagine. TMI?  I totally understand why women want to sit with the knees apart, especially those of us who could stand to lose a little weight, but not everyone needs to catch a glimpse of this.  And honestly, sitting in a chair with my ankles crossed can get uncomfortable as well and I find myself shifting from one side to another.  I get it.  It’s why I tend to choose pants for many occasions anymore.  I love board meetings and the like when I know there are going to be tablecloths over the tables and it doesn’t matter how I sit because nobody can see anything.  There’s nothing more uncomfortable than sitting in a meeting for several hours having to be concerned about how I’m sitting.

And have you ever tried to get in and out of a vehicle with a short skirt on?  It’s not so bad when you just fall back into the seat of a sedan, but when a short person like me has to hike herself up into an SUV, or climb into the 3rd row of a large vehicle, it can get pretty dicey.  Now, if I were a twenty something with great legs, maybe not so bad, but unfortunately for everyone who may be looking, whether they want to or not, the legs are just not the same as they used to be.

This is something I have to teach my girls in choir all the time.  A lot of them choose to dress up for concerts which most times consists of short dresses and skirts.  They sit on the risers waiting for their turn to sing, facing the audience.  Unless I have a mom who thinks ahead and maybe gets their daughter to wear shorts underneath, the audience can get a show before the show.  Now, I raised three boys so this wasn’t an issue, but seriously ladies, we need to work together to teach our girls how to have some decorum.

So, am I being old fashioned or close minded?  Am I giving in to the archaic notion that we don’t want women to be a temptation to men and so we need to be more demure?  Maybe.  But I prefer to think that women seem to have lost that self respect in terms of looking their best and giving a good first impressions. After all, I CAN be intelligent, prepared, lead AND look my best.  After all, I think you can tell what my impression was of the lady in the airport….

Look, I’m a jeans, t-shirt and flip-flop kind of girl and if I could just do everything in those, I would.  Unfortunately in my line of work and in my pursuit of other outside ventures, it is important that I look professional and if I chose to wear a skirt or dress, then I also need to behave professionally.

I believe in equality for men and women and that women certainly shouldn’t be judged only by what they wear, but let’s face it – the reality is that there are differences between men and women.  We all have our burdens as evidenced by the men I went to Capitol Hill with who had to wear suits in 95 degree weather.  But certain attire is expected and they don’t take you seriously on the Hill if you don’t dress the part.  I mean, I actually remembered to wear close toed shoes this year.  Life can be brutal, right?

All I’m trying to say here is that while I agree society is changing somewhat, there are still some things that need to be maintained. And if dresses and skirts are still a thing that we choose to wear, we need to make the decision to keep our knees together! Please!

 

 

Are you a glass half full kind of person or a half glass empty?  Are you a person who can easily see the flaws in something?  Well, chances are you may also suffer from the Grass is Always Greener Attitude.

We’ve all suffered from it from time to time.  Things aren’t going well or the way you think they should and you imagine anything is better than this.  Maybe you think you need that new job, or need to move to another city or divorce that spouse for someone else, but many times you find out that you’ve just taken the same issues you had to another location or another person.  Change is a good thing IF it’s coming from the right place and not just from bad attitude or coveting something that you can’t have.

The Grass is Always Greener Attitude is often based on imagination or speculation, but not necessarily on facts.  Because sometimes to have ALL the facts, you need to be in the middle of it.  For instance, you might think you’re being logical about why you should leave your spouse for someone else, but you’ve not actually lived with that other person on a daily basis.  You would be giving up something you know for something you THINK you know and you would be taking a chance for sure, when just working hard on what you already have to make it better might be the best option, unless it’s an abusive situation, of course.

On this 4th of July, we live in a country where anywhere but here looks greener to some people.  They have given up on the country they love and spend their time comparing it to the way things used to be or to other countries they’ve read about that seem so much more together than we do.  Some people who want change, with the best of intentions, do it with such a negative attitude that they push others away rather than bring people together.  We read about dishonesty, incivility, and cruelty on a daily basis and we’re inundated with it on a variety of screens, making us believe that anything has to be better than where we are right now.  We’re afraid to say what we we think for fear of judgement, retaliation or worse and nobody seems to want to have honest, civil, informed discourse, instead allowing our emotions, especially what we think of as “righteous” anger to take over.

When our country was founded, the men who came together did not always agree on everything, in fact sometimes they vehemently disagreed.  They argued about everything from the division of power between states and nation to slavery.  The Bill of Rights was written as a way to appease Federalists and get them on board.  These were educated men from different points of view who were able to participate in honest, open discussion and then come to a consensus.  Somewhere we’ve lost that ability to come to consensus based on a shared vision.  Our country is sorely lacking in that shared vision today.

Just from my little point of view, I would suggest that our shared vision might be love of country.  Perhaps the preamble of the constitution would be a place to start:

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

It’s really important for us to look at this carefully as I believe it gives us direction as to what we should be doing as a country.   The question then is, HOW do we do this?  By angrily yelling and demanding or through artful persuasion?  By way of drawing a line in the sand or by compromising?  By thinking of the golden rule – treating others the way we would like to be treated?  By electing those whose purpose is to serve others and not serve themselves?

And by the way, it says WE THE PEOPLE, not we the politicians or we the government.  Despite how bad we think things are, it is still up to “we the people” to either make change or complain and look to greener pastures.  After 242 years of existence, we’re in a bit of a rut, just like the marriage I spoke of earlier.  Are we willing, as a people to stop complaining, roll up our sleeves and do what we need to do to make this country more than a slogan?  Calling America Great Again and Making America Great Again are two completely different things.  There’s nothing wrong with striving towards greatness as long as we’re working together and not assuming someone else will do all the work for us.

I will admit that I am a patriotic American, I love my country, my flag and its people.  I don’t like how we’re behaving, but like a wayward child, I don’t hate the child, I’m not embarrassed by the child, I dislike the behavior.   And the behavior needs to and CAN change. Each of us is a leader in our own way, in our own location and can make a real difference as long as we’re willing to work and get rid of our Grass is Always Greener Attitude.

 

Many years ago, I taught with a lovely woman whose husband passed away suddenly.  He had been the ultimate in a loving husband, taking care of her every need, even driving her to and from school.  Unfortunately, he had taken care of so much for her that she had no idea of how to do even the simplest of things, to the point where one of the men from school would go and change out lightbulbs for her in her home.  In the name of love, she had given up her right to independence and growth, thinking that he would always be there to take care of her and sadly, she was wrong.

It is said that in marriage that “the two shall become one”, and yet God created us to be unique, one of a kind individuals, so how does this work?  I tend to believe that in the case of my husband and I, we brought two sets of gifts to this marriage that together make us one.  If I should decide to give up myself in this relationship, we are no longer whole, so it’s important that I maintain who I am and continue to grow as an individual, and the same for him.

In my case, I was fortunate to marry someone who, over the years has encouraged me to spread my wings and grow.  For the longest time, because it was what I had seen from my parents, I believed that my husband’s job was to take care of me and make all the decisions, even thought I watched my mother become more and more frustrated over the years.  Ever the extrovert, trying to be more of what my dad was comfortable with, she lost herself and the relationship, and although they stuck it out, was not always the happiest.  Because of this example, I wasted many years waiting for him to take care of me and make me happy, when all I needed to do was be myself and do my thing with him and not because of him, to be happy.

The other part of this is me recognizing that my husband has his own passions, strengths, weaknesses and personality and it’s my job to encourage him to be more than he ever thought he could be.  This always turns into a time of growth for both of us, sometimes comfortable, sometimes not.  Change, even for the better, is hard.  Even in the best of relationships, it’s a scary thing when your partner seems to be stretching their wings so much that they don’t need you anymore and you might find yourself becoming clingy and demanding out of that fear.  I know that’s what I did.  However, he is ever reassuring, and continues to encourage me to do whatever it is that pops into my head, whether it was something as simple as changing my hair, or something that would affect our lives, like going back to school, looking for a new job, or adding a time consuming passion like serving on a board.  My job is to do the same for him.  What makes us one is when we encourage each other to be the best we can be, together.

Being in a marriage with those kinds of benefits allows it to endure, I believe.  Things like physical beauty and youth will eventually fade,  but those things you cherish about each other and encourage to grow is what will last.

Doug and I spent the last week or so away from each other, encouraged by each other to do our own thing and to enjoy doing it.  I went away to D.C to enjoy a wonderful, mind expanding time with colleagues and he chose to go to his childhood home and participate in things like fishing and hanging out with family and extended family to fill his bucket.  And while we missed each other, we were not dependent on each other, choosing to do  our own thing and sharing the experiences with each other once we were both home.  Maybe other couples are fortunate to achieve this type of relationship much faster than I was, but for me, this is the kind of relationship I always dreamed of.  The assurance of a spouse who is my best friend and has my back combined with the freedom to be myself and to grow as a person.  It’s definitely the best of both worlds.

Even in this day and age, there are women who are afraid to be themselves because they fear they may lose the relationship, but I’m here to tell you that it’s better than being in a relationship where they lose themselves.  As we prepare to recognize its longevity next month, I’m so grateful for my marriage with benefits!

 

There are many jokes and cartoons out there about old women and their cats, which is unfortunate because I know some women who have cats and they are remarkable people.  I am not one of those people however, mainly because I tend to be allergic to certain kinds of cats, so I have chosen something else – birds.  My husband has nicknamed me “The Bird Lady of Chantacleer” for that reason.

First of all,  as a spelling and grammar fanatic, I know Chantacleer is spelled incorrectly, but for whatever reason, this is the name of our apartment complex.  On my little balcony, I have flowers and herbs and a bird feeder.  I’ve always been attracted  to hummingbirds in particular, but they don’t hang out here much, so I began feeding my birds last summer just to see what would happen.  Now they come every day, seeming to have actual meal times which I find amusing.  They show up in the morning, then will show up occasionally during the afternoon for a snack and then a bunch again about dinner time.  I have cardinals, finches, doves and the occasional blue jay who show up.  They’re entertaining and just fun to watch.

This coming from a city kid who was not crazy about animals and the outdoors in general.  Sure, I loved riding my bike outdoors, but I wasn’t a big hiker or camper.  My idea of camping used to be a Holiday Inn, but unfortunately now it’s more like a Hilton or some little boutique hotel.  I’m high maintenance, I admit it.  The idea of sleeping on the ground in a sleeping bag where you can wake up to spiders and whatever else may be creeping out there is beyond disturbing, so I’ll stick to hotels please.

However, watching birds has opened a whole new world for me.  I love watching the “pecking” order, so to speak of which birds feel like they get first choice to eat.  Cardinals and doves trump just about everyone else who choose to just sit on my railings, chair tops and table waiting for their turn.  There are finches who chase each other and males who annoy the females.  There are loud conversations and arguments between the birds on occasion usually ending with one chasing the other away.  The colors of the males are beautiful and I love just watching them hop across my balcony floor, picking up seeds flicked out of the feeder by other birds.

This bird thing has lead to other more adventurous outdoor things.  Like feeding squirrels ice cream from a spoon.  I had a squirrel this morning on the balcony who surprised me from behind the air conditioning unit, who then scrambled along the outer edge of the balcony, did a flying leap at the tree below, completely annoying the birds, jumping out of the tree, over a stone wall and scurried up another tree.  How fun is that? A few weeks ago, we went through South Dakota where I left the car to see how close I could get to big horned sheep out in the wild, and checked out a mama and baby deer in California last year.  It’s not a safari by any means, but for this sheltered city girl, it’s pretty cool.

I’ve always been a person who loves museums and architecture, skyscrapers and big city streets.  I love wonderful restaurants, beautiful hotels, concerts and Broadway shows.  But as I get older, I’m learning to appreciate the natural beauty of not only my little balcony habitat but the wonders of nature in general.  Having grown up with a father who was born and raised in Chicago and a mom who lived in the country but was afraid of all the things in the country, this is a big step for me.

For those of you who grew up with animals or in the country, this may all seem pretty silly to you, but for this girl, not understanding and sometimes being afraid of animals in general, this is a learning experience.  And one is never too old to learn something new, right?  My husband has always been an outdoorsy kind of guy and this has allowed us to share something that he loves.  It’s always a good thing to try something new when you’ve known someone for 40 years – it keeps things fresh.

So I’m okay being the “Bird Lady of Chantacleer and I’m grateful for my little visitors who allow me to slow down from my crazy schedule and breathe.