How many times in your life have you said to yourself I don’t belong, or how did I get to be here with these people?  Is there a feeling that you haven’t worked hard enough or deserve to be where you are?  Are you afraid to take a next step in your life because you don’t feel like you could stand toe to toe with others, intellectually, academically, socially or otherwise?  And are there people in your life who have convinced you not to have higher expectations for yourself?

The prescribed road to success in our country right now seems to be this, in this particular order; preschool to prepare for school, then you graduate high school while participating in as many extracurricular opportunities as possible, taking the ACT/SAT enough times to score high enough to get into just the right college to major in just the right degree program to get the perfect high paying job, then have the perfect little family and live in suburbia with the SUV and minivan.  It’s conveniently formulaic and easy to people to interpret as success, and yet so limiting.

My road was a little rockier.  I think I was a pretty smart kid and I did pretty well in school.  I didn’t have to work very hard to get good grades in school, until high school and then came geometry and computer science.  Hence the reason I didn’t major in anything remotely needing any math!  It was assumed that I would go to the state university in town, and as nobody ever sat down with me to see what I wanted to major in, I just picked music education because band was the class I really liked.  After three years of struggling and several major changes, I dropped out.  I remember my mother saying to me at my husband’s graduation a year later, “this could have been you but you failed”.  It took eight years, several job changes, and community college credits before I took the plunge again, this time at a regional university and I stuck with music education.  According to the “plan”, I was already ten years behind, and by the time I graduated at age 30, married and with three children, explaining my non-traditional time line proved difficult and it took me two years to get my first teaching job.  As you may have read before, I have started two separate Master’s degrees but fall short because I decide it’s not really where my passion is.  And yet, I believe that all this happened because it was meant to happen.

Fast forward to now.  I tend to give others all the credit for where I am and the opportunities I have, and yes, they have surely contributed to any success I’ve achieved.  But while I used to think it was ALL their doing that I had these opportunities, I’m starting to realize that they saw something in me that caused them to believe I would be an asset doing something else.  Despite my late start, my uncertainty and my no-name college degree, there is apparently something about me and not the “prescribed” success story that has put me where I am right now.  Please understand that I don’t think that I’ve “arrived” at all, but what I have done in the past has allowed me the opportunity to hang out with, learn from and contribute to conversations with people who are much more educated than I, who followed the prescribed route.   I’ve stopped questioning “why am I here”, but am now looking to where I can go next as my expectations for myself have been raised.  That in combination with help and encouragement from others can send me places I haven’t dreamed of yet.

You are where you are at this moment because you were meant to be.  You are there to affect change, to touch other people, to make yourself better, to prepare you for what’s to come.  It’s also however your choice to stay there and be content, or raise your expectations to see where or how else you can make a difference.  I think I’m learning that I went through what I went through because I needed to see and experience how encouragement helped me to overcome the prescribed method of success to find my own pathway.  Now it’s my turn to do that for others, especially my students from elementary to college but also friends and family.  Everyone has the potential to do great things for themselves and others and you are where you are and experiencing the things you are for that very reason.

For years, my pastor tried to tell me this and I fought him like crazy because where I was and what I was doing did fit my idea of that prescribed success we talked about.  But now in hindsight (I’m a late bloomer : ), I see the wisdom in his words.  That mindset allows me the freedom to just continue to follow the path that I’m on and wait for the next great adventure instead of fearing the unknown and my imagined lack of experience.  Sometimes the path is still rocky and I may stumble a few times, but my experience has told me it won’t last for long and where God closes a door, he opens a window. My hope for you and my students is that I can encourage you to accept that same philosophy and use it to see where you can go from here and what a real difference you can make in your life and the lives of others.

 

 

With apologies to my wonderful husband, I have to be honest and share something new I experienced today.  Something I didn’t expect to happen.  I met someone new, someone younger, and it was love at first sight.  He’s a stocky little blond with a ton of energy, very athletic and highly intelligent.  And angry.  So very angry.  Which made me love him all the more, because he needs to be loved.

By nature, I’m a “fixer”.  I see something or someone that I feel can be “fixed” and I want to do something to make things better.  It’s why those kids at school who have had a rough time turn into my “projects” because I want to do all I can to help them be and feel better. Today I met my son’s current foster child and I truly did not expect to immediately fall for him.  With his chubby little arms wrapped around my son’s neck and those cute little dimples when I got him to smile at me, it was love at first sight.

In the short time we got to interact with him we saw a myriad of emotions from this child.  Laughter when he got to go fast in the stroller, screams of excitement when we went through the little train tunnel, anger when he thought we were laughing AT him and not because he was just fun to watch.  Hitting, kicking, spitting and name calling when all of a sudden he didn’t like something.  Then in the next second, yelling my name “Judy, watch me!” as he came down the slide.  He’s constantly challenging you to see if you’ll do what you say, whether it’s through exhibiting good behavior or not so good.

Yes, I saw some of the issues this child has today and I’m sure there are many more I don’t know about.  It’s hard to get to know a child in a few hours.  If I were a young adult considering fostering to adopt, it would be hard to look past the tough times and he is quite the challenge.  I admit that I took a long nap when we returned home today!  But as someone who is more experienced and someone who has worked with all kinds of kids for a long time, all I could see was potential and a little boy who needs someone to prove that they love him.  Probably over and over and over again for many years to come.

This experience helps me remember that I have kids every day who need this same reassurance.  They need an adult that they can rely on to be loving, firm but kind and who expects nothing but the best from them.  It means I need to be really patient with and supportive of those parents who have to deal with this child’s behavior on a daily basis.  It means that I need to take the time to thank those paraeducators who work with these children on a one to one basis, seeing the best and worst of them. and I need to support those classroom teachers who keep on teaching, even when that child tries to disrupt everyone’s learning.

For years now, I’ve noticed that a lot of my most difficult kids flock to choir and let me tell you, it can be a challenge.  It challenges my patience especially because as someone who wants to help create a quality performance with my students, I sometimes have to let go some of those perfectionist tendencies and just cherish those moments when those kids make progress.  It’s those same kids who leave me notes or draw pictures for me with a big “I love you” or “I love music” that shows me it’s worth the patience.  A lot of those kids thrive in music when they struggle in other academic areas and I make sure that their teachers, parents and administration know this.

My prayer for this child is this; that someone, whether it’s my son and daughter-in-law or someone else, provides a loving stable home for him.  That he goes to school some day with caring teachers who see that same potential and work on his strengths and not focus entirely on his deficits.  And I pray for a music teacher who will help him to feel a part of something that is greater than him, something that helps him become a whole, well-rounded person and gives him connections to others who love him for who he is.

 

 

 

A few weeks ago a small group of us decided to go to a movie together.  There were four choices; one we had already seen, two were not worth seeing and the fourth…well, it was Wonder Woman.  Heavy sigh. When I was younger, I was a comic book fan and loved reading about these female superheroes who were beautiful and could fight right alongside any man.  Well, that’s all well and good if you’re a beautiful 5’10”, flowing hair, model type Amazon, but not so much if you’re 5’4″ and perceived as “cute” or “perky”. Being taken seriously is a struggle to say the least. You’re a good “side-kick” but never the strong heroine.

I did discover that some of my attributes can be used to my advantage.  You see, it’s wonderful to be underestimated in a way because you can surprise people.  You challenge people’s perceptions of what an empowered woman is.  Like for instance, when you and a friend walk up to a couple of guys playing foosball and you ask if you can play.  They look at you like you’re easy pickings until you beat them.  I always loved that half surprised/half admiration look on their faces.  It’s always been a thing for me to at the very least, inwardly challenge men in my life.  I wanted to be a better marcher in band, a better researcher, a better game player, a better leader.  And quite honestly, I found that more men thought like me than women.  I loved (and still do) getting one on one or in small groups and talking shop, where we could challenge each other intellectually.

As I’ve been able to work with more leaders in my field, I’ve discovered that there are more women like me who feel empowered to speak their minds when joining in on the “good old boys” clubs.  I’m fortunate that in my profession, most men are open to women leaders, but there are still some who feel like they have to literally pat us on the heads and tell us how things really are, even in this day and age.  I feel a “sisterhood” with these women who have worked hard, have achieved all they have, and have remained themselves, despite obstacles.  What I don’t understand is how I’ve witnessed women undermining other women in their search for empowerment.

So, what is empowerment?  It is not necessarily running around in a skimpy costume beating up all the bad guys, but if can be if that is the woman’s choice.  You see, empowerment comes from within and it comes in many forms and for many reasons, depending on where you live, what your background is and a multitude of other factors.  It’s personal. Having a voice at the music education table for me is empowerment.  Choosing to be myself in whatever situation I find myself in is empowerment.  Choosing what I believe in and voting that way is empowerment.  But unfortunately, the hardest group of people to deal with in terms of working to become empowered can be other women.  Sometimes, women can be the worst when it comes to allowing other women to think for themselves and follow their own hearts.  Real female empowerment is free from judgement from others – ALL others.  Empowerment means following your own heart, making your own decisions and encouraging other women to follow their hearts, no matter what that may be.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the agenda was strictly “Empowering Women to Be, Do and Think the Way They Want” and then we could all support that instead of chopping the cause up into little personal agendas that cause us to fight and argue with one another?

Over the last several years, I’ve decided that part of my job as a teacher is to empower children to become themselves and own it, but especially the girls.  Whenever I would have a little girl come to me, upset because someone said or did something to them, I would ask them if they told the person what they thought and most times they had not.  The best example of this was a little girl who was being picked on by a boy in her class.  She came up to me in tears and I asked her, do you like it when he picks on you?  She of course responded no.  I then asked, did you tell him that?  Again, she said no.  So, I told her that nobody should accept being bothered by something someone says or does without telling them and that she had the right to do it.  You should have seen that little girl march right up to him, look him right in the eye and tell him she didn’t like it, and she demanded an apology.  His big eyes told me he didn’t know what hit him and he did apologize.  And he didn’t bother her again.  I wish I could describe how proud she looked when she realized that SHE had made the decision and she had changed the direction of that relationship.  That’s empowerment.

It is SO important to teach all kids, but I think, especially girls that they can be themselves, whether they’re beautiful and statuesque or cute and perky that they can decide for themselves what they want their lives to be.  So whether they want to wear the costume to get the bad guys, or a business suit to make deals, or yoga pants while they pick up their kids from school, they too can be empowered to be all they envision themselves to be.  Many thanks to all of the strong women who have helped me along my own personal journey.

 

We all know that kid – the rule follower.  The one that listens to what you say only so they can be right and tell others what to do or the kids who want to please and impress you.  It’s that kid in marching band who can be completely out of the form and actually look you directly in the eye and say “but I’m in my spot!!”.   It’s the kid on the playground who runs up to you every two minutes to tattle on the kids who are going up the slide instead of going down.

Well, I’m sorry to admit that I too was once that kid, mostly because I was afraid to break the rules and following them seemed to get me praise.  Until one day in high school marching band.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  We’re marching in this big company front, moving towards the front sideline and I’m close to the 50 yard line.  I’m flanked by a junior and a senior and I’m just a lowly sophomore, but I’m really getting into this marching thing.  It’s easy, right?  You just make sure you’re on your dot on the right count.  So there I was, playing my part with gusto (which on saxophone is pretty easy), so proud of the fact that the two on either side of me weren’t keeping up by going to their dot on time like I was.  Until I noticed my band director, from high up in his tower, was saying my name, loudly on the megaphone.  Judy, Judy, Judy.  Ohhhh Judy.  I could tell by the drop in his voice I had done something wrong.  It was then he informed me, in front of 120 others that I had not worked with my colleagues, but against them.  (I’m putting this in much less embarrassing terms than I heard that day).  By being so focused on ME getting to the right spot, I was actually the one person not with everyone else.  I had the opportunity to teach that lesson many times to others once I was on the other side of the megaphone.  But not actually with a megaphone – I hated those things.  Anyway….

I believe we’re creating this kind of “ME” mentality early with our kids and part of it has to do with how we allow, or shall I say, don’t allow them to play like kids.  Teachers as a rule, like to make rules.  Rules help with classroom management, they make for smoother pacing, they give kids needed boundaries.  But there’s one place where we need to let go of most of the rules and that’s during what little free time they have and that’s on the playground.  Aside from making sure no one gets hurt, as adults we need to let them figure out how to play together.  The little ones who haven’t had years of rule following just make up stuff and have fun.  Like last year when the first graders created the rolly polly hunters.  A small group of them ran around the playground, “rescuing” rolly polly bugs and putting them in the grass to be safe.  It went on for weeks.  I had another group who wanted to see who could go up the slide best, so they set up a line where everyone could take a turn and if someone wanted to go down, they just waited and then started up again.  And there was that group who swung from the bridge and took turns gently kicking each others behinds and laughing hysterically.  I’m not kidding.  No adult intervention needed.  Playground manufacturers are adults who have a vision of how kids should play on equipment, but I’m here to tell you, kids will make up all kinds of things to do on it that adults never dreamed of.  And that’s the beauty of just letting kids play.  It stimulates creativity and collaboration which is really more about “us” and less about “me”.

And although this promotes collaboration, it certainly still supports individual personalities as well. Again, let’s look at a marching band. Those of us who have been a part of this activity know that different instruments follow different personalities – or is it the other way around?  Anyway, you’ve got those sweet kids saving the rolly polly bugs who will play in your flute or clarinet section, the kids going up the slide who will be in your percussion section, the kids kicking each other (gently) who will be your low brass players.  Your sax players will be those kids just chasing each other round and screaming and your french horn players will be walking around together talking about how silly everyone is.  And something else I didn’t mention, are those kids who want to show off how well they hit, throw or kick a ball.  Those would be your trumpet players.  Somehow, allowing all of these personalities to be themselves also allows them to bring that uniqueness together to create some really great things.

This then can transfer back into the classroom and into life.  How wonderful would it be if kids could just let go of some of the rule following,  be themselves, share their strengths and work collaboratively to create new things and ideas?  Imagine if we paid as much attention to the people beside us as we did to ourselves?  We could be marching together to accomplish something really amazing!

 

 

 

I thought it was some kind of crazy joke.  I received a note from my son’s kindergarten teacher that he had bit a little girl on the behind.  Seriously.  I wasn’t even sure how to respond.  So I sat my five year old down and asked him how school was that day.  No mention of the butt biting incident.  So, I became more direct and he responded with something like, “oh yeah.  She took the toy away I was playing with and when she crawled away I bit her”.  Well, shoot, that made a whole lot more sense then!  My oldest was a biter.  Even as a toddler in Sunday school, we would get called down because he had bit someone again.  Such began my journey into my children’s education.

Going through some papers the other day, I came upon folders full of report cards for my boys.   Knowing what I know now as both their mother and an educator, I’ve come to some conclusions about how we evaluate kids and question whether it is really addressing their strengths or is it forcing them to conform to what society/education considers successful?

My oldest started well.  He was very verbal and as the oldest, he would tend to hang around adults which made it easy for him to participate in conversations with just about anyone.  When he began school, reading and spelling were difficult for him and after testing, we found he had a learning disability.  He also had difficulty focusing and paying attention so we felt pushed into medication.  After about a year of him not being able to sleep or eat, we took him off the meds, which caused some consternation among the SPED group.  “Parents refuse to medicate” was written on the IEPs.  But my son could eat and sleep again.  The truth was, he could focus on what he WANTED to.  He was an amazing percussionist.  He had difficulty reading the music, but once he learned it, he could play anything.  He had a gift for managing people of all ages as we found out hosting festivals where I would watch this 14 year old calm irate band directors with his trouble shooting skills.  And that gift for talking to people comes in handy now in his job where he installs and sells items that go along with satellite dishes.  You should see him talk people into buying things, all with genuine care and a smile.  His talking in class apparently paid off!  Oh, and he makes more than his father does who happens to have a Master’s degree and 35 years experience.

Our middle son is a genius in the true sense of the word.  He can have conversations with just about anyone on any subject at any level.  He too struggled in school, but as we found out much later, it was social anxiety in association with his Aspergers, which is on the high end of the autism spectrum.  The fact that he was so intelligent and yet didn’t do well in school frustrated his teachers.  His report cards said things like “David, you’ve got to become more serious and focused” or “you’re not working to your potential”.  The truth was, he worked well with teachers who instinctively understood his anxiety and saw his strengths but would literally or figuratively hide from those who were not patient with him.  Success for David now is being able to get himself on a bus and get to his job where he takes pride in his cooking.  He’s sharing studio space with some friends and creates art, another one his true talents.  For a kid who was told he was not reading at grade level in elementary school, he has one of the most impressive libraries of books I’ve ever seen and he’s read them all.

My youngest was just stubborn and too logical for his own good.  In elementary school, he did very well because it was easy and fun.  Then he got into middle school and high school and things changed.  He couldn’t understand why he couldn’t just ace the tests and pass the classes.  After all, the other stuff was just busy work and if he was getting A+ on his tests, why did he have to do that?  If he saw his teacher as being unprepared or uninformed, he completely dismissed them.  He came home one day and announced that his new English teacher mispronounced the word epitome and he was finished with her.  Trying to convince him to “play the game” to get through school successfully didn’t work, so while he did graduate, he couldn’t get into college.  But like the stubborn kid he is, when he decided to go to college, he made up deficiencies, put himself through financially and finished his degree.  He works in a job where he can make up his own job title, travels the world, owns his own house and makes more than his dad does.

All three of them have grown to be contributors to society in their own ways.  One finished college, one has some college and one has no college.  They are kind, caring people who work hard at what they do, two of them taking care of families now as well.  No report card is able to assess a child’s real potential to be a good  human being.  It takes a teacher and parents who KNOW their child and encourage them to be who they were meant to be, despite what the report card may say.  My sons were more than their test scores.  How about you?

 

Have I gotten your attention?  For those of you reading this who know me, I apologize for the visual now stuck in your heads.  It’s scary, I know. But I believe you get to a point in your life where you’ve got to just let go and do something that you would normally consider impractical and outrageous.  The catalyst for me is the fact that whether I feel it or not, I am getting older.  And the older I get, the more people I know who are either losing loved ones or have have passed on themselves.  And you start to really understand that life on this earth is not infinite and that you need to experience all that you’ve wanted to before it’s too late.

I remember reading a story years ago about a woman who had passed away and as her husband was going through her things, he discovered all of this beautiful lingerie that she had purchased for a “special occasion” but had never actually worn.  The moral of the story was that every day should be a special occasion and if you keep waiting for that perfect timing, it may never come.  So as Nike says, just do it!  I’ve read similar stories about beautiful things like china and crystal just sitting on shelves for years when they could be shared with family and friends daily.  Aren’t those people special enough?

Sometimes the problem is that you might feel selfish doing beautiful fun things for yourself, as though special times might be important for others but not for you.  But I’ve found out that loved ones get a kick out of you doing things that bring you joy.  And for me, going topless is one of those things.  Oh, I should probably let you know that it’s not actually me going topless, it’s me in my convertible.

Again, for those who know me, you’re probably tired of hearing about my perfect little yellow VW convertible.  I had been looking at cars for years, switching back and forth from mustangs to VW, thinking the whole time that neither were very practical for driving during the winter in Nebraska.  But the few times I had had the opportunity to ride in them were magical to me and I couldn’t let go of the idea.  What I had to let go of was that feeling of practicality and more so, the feeling that I was not worth it.  So, this past January (who buys a convertible in January?), I took the plunge and bought my perfect little car.  I bought it without my husband even being in town. I called him with the details and said we needed to do this.  I’m pretty sure he thought I was nuts, but being the kind person he is, he agreed.

The first time I put the top down was the end of January and it reached a balmy 50 degrees.  I just couldn’t wait anymore.  I wore a jacket and blasted the heater and took off.  There are things you experience driving a convertible that you never noticed before.  The feel of the wind and sun – I learned early to keep a couple of hats in the car. And the smells!  The smell of freshly mowed grass, newly laid tar (I didn’t say it was ALL good : ), flowers and skunks.  Of course driving by a row of restaurants is hard when you can smell the meat cooking and I am a hamburger girl after all!  You can talk to people while you’re in the car!  Little kids are the best as they point to the car and try to get an adults attention to share.  My kids at school know the car and as I drive home from school through the neighborhood they’ll yell “hi” from their front yards.  People yell and wave from their porches. I’ve even had an entire family hit each other yelling “slug bug”  and laughing while they did it.  I grin like an idiot and sometimes laugh out loud.  It fills a happy place in my soul for some reason and that happiness spreads.  I’ve had the chance to take a few friends for a ride and it brings back memories for them.  What could be wrong about something that makes people smile?  I have to admit that I have felt guilty on a couple of occasions about buying something so impractical, but then I go for a ride in the country watching the sun go down and all that guilt disappears.

I hope this hasn’t sounded shallow as I know that material things aren’t the answer to everything.  I have a wonderful family, great friends and many other blessings in my life.  I know however that there are things in my life and in your life that you want and need to experience – things that make you YOU.  My whole point here is, grab life by the horns and do something that brings you joy NOW.  Get rid of those things in your life that do not bring you joy (they might actually bring someone else joy)  and then get out that bucket list and find ways to make them happen.  Chances are you’ll be sharing that joy with others and it may inspire them to make their lives better as well.

 

 

 

 

One of the joys of being an empty nester is that I get to spend a lot of one on one time with my wonderful husband of nearly 37 years.  Well, maybe not a LOT of time because he’s a college band director, but that’s a story for another day.  And because it’s just the two of us, we can tend to get pretty lazy in terms of cooking, so we frequent restaurants.  Ah yes, those are great times, sitting in total silence, eating our food, not looking at each other.  When I was younger, I always marveled at those “older” couples who did that.  Doug and I always seemed to find something to talk about – or was it just because the kids kept us busy?  Anyway, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve discovered it’s not that these couples are not communicating, because now that I’m one of them, I have obtained the secret language as well.

This came to mind the other evening when again, Doug and I were chowing down on some barbecue, occasionally looking at the buzzing on our phones, but not speaking to each other. Until I looked up at him and made eye contact.  And while he was looking deep into my eyes, he started rubbing at his cheek, which immediately made me rub mine because I was just sure he was telling me I had something on my face.  Until he asked me what I was doing, to which I replied, I don’t know – what are YOU doing?  We laughed a while after that and it made me look around the room to see what others were doing.  You see, the other thing we’ve discovered is that older people eat earlier, not necessarily because they go to bed earlier, but because you can actually get into a restaurant without having to wait! So we were surrounded with people our age.  I watched as a lady stood up from her table, loudly slurp up the last of her drink while her husband said nothing verbally, but his eye roll spoke volumes.  I’ve watched a couple say absolutely nothing to each other for an entire meal, look at their phones while they finished their drinks and somehow know exactly when to stand up together to leave.

While this can be very entertaining, the truth is that we develop that language because we have paid close attention to this one person for a long time.  I have lived with my husband for close to two thirds of my life.  Together we have survived three children, numerous job changes, moves, deaths in the family and disagreements.  I can tell by the sound of his breathing while we lay in the dark if he’s having trouble sleeping because he can’t stop thinking about something.  He can tell if something’s bothering me before I can even verbalize it.  It’s hard for us to surprise each other because we can both tell when something’s up because there are tiny changes in the others behavior.  Sometimes I can answer his question before he finishes asking. So sometimes there’s no need for conversation because we just KNOW.  Sadly, not all couples have this gift, but I think we started as best friends and that has never changed.  It has taken a long time to develop this secret language and it took effort.  And because we continue to encourage each other to grow as individuals, there’s always more to learn and discover about each other to add to that language.

Sometimes I’m concerned about younger couples who seem to be so busy with their careers, social lives, and children that they never take the time to develop their friendship with the person they’ll be spending those later years with.  Once their schedules slow down and the kids are off on their own, will they really know the person they’re living with?  Will they have developed their own form of secret communication?

When we were younger, and so infatuated with each other, saying “I love you” was a wonderful thing.  It was so new and it was just fun to hear and say.  But we figured out that there were times when it may not be the best time to shout it to each other (and I think we were starting to annoy people ; ), so we started signing it to each other, which eventually just evolved to the sign for the letter “I”.  Now I can sit at that dinner table with him, raise my pinkie and tell him in our secret language how important he still is to me without saying a word.  And just to let you know, Doug and I still have some very deep, meaningful VERBAL conversations as well and I think those continue to contribute to the secret language. Here’s wishing all of you a wonderful relationship where you can develop a secret language all your own.

This isn’t at all what I planned to write about today, but I came upon an interview this morning with William Paul Young, the author of “The Shack”, and it brought to mind the opportunity I had several years ago to hear him speak in person.  For me it was a traumatic experience.  As he shared his story of growing up, it felt as though he had lived my life, as though he felt the shame, sadness and never being quite enough to be loved unconditionally I had always felt.  I had never had the experience of wanting to literally run from somewhere before but it was all I could do to say seated in the auditorium.  When I finally was able to leave, I shook and sobbed as years of memories came back in waves and depression really set in.  But as awful as that experience was, that exposure to others, the slow, painful dropping of the control facade opened up for me a slow pathway to healing that I’m still following.  Pretending that everything is just fine and being a control freak can only last so long.  Control is a myth and as unpleasant as it can be to let go of it, the healing and growing cannot begin until you do.  To quote Mr. Young, “exposure is the gift that opens up the pathway to healing”.

I use this as an example because exposure is personally painful, embarrassing and certainly eye opening.  And that has certainly been the case in terms of politics, the media and our nation as a whole. Another point made today by Mr. Young was that politics in our country today has not created uncivility but has exposed the brokenness of this nation.  Uncivility is just a by-product.  We’ve been headed down this path of unkindness, name calling and intolerance for a long time, but we’ve been exposed as a nation I believe, because of who we’ve elected to office.  I say we as a nation and not as a personal attack, and I’m not just talking about the President. This is nothing new.  We’ve allowed uncivility to happen in the school yard, in the workplace, in our government, on our airwaves, in relationships, and in the church.  It’s easier to categorize people and call them derogatory names in the media, social and otherwise because we do it daily in our homes, behind closed doors and behind computer screens.  It used to be that as long as we were in control  in front of others, it didn’t matter what we really felt and we could say what we wanted with like-minded people.  But as bad as that was, even that has evolved as now we’re actually allowing groups of people to say anything they want with no thought of responsibility in the name of free speech.  The freedom of speech was never intended to be without responsibility or consequences.  If it is, then hate and uncivility reign.  We are imperfect human beings after all, and just like children, if allowed to behave or speak in a certain way, it is seen as acceptable and it continues and very difficult if not impossible to change.  I want to make it clear that I believe a lot of the issues being talked about are immensely important, it’s HOW we’re talking about them and the lack of civil dialogue that has been exposed.

So, if this theory is true, that we’ve been exposed as a nation of uncivility, how do we then begin the process of healing?  Instead of being just the painful, embarrassing situation it is, could it actually be a blessing in disguise?  Here’s my two cents about the issue.  First we have to acknowledge what we’ve been exposed.  Keeping things to ourselves or continuing to hide our head in the sand is a BAD thing.  Not being afraid to talk about things to others and keeping the lines of communication open is good for everyone.  Secondly, it’s going to be HARD!  Everyone has developed a belief system or philosophy of life based on their experiences and perceptions and opening up to new ideas in not easy.  People don’t just believe things, they have reasons why they believe things and they’ve lived them.  Things that they’ve been exposed to by family, church, community or society that have led them to decide what they believe as truth.  It’s a many layered issue and one that’s not going to be changed by pigeonholing people and calling them names or trying to shove a particular philosophy down their throat because it’s right or more progressive.  Again, developing relationships with all people so that we can learn about those layers is the only way we can develop constructive conversations to make change for the good of all.

In our instant gratification world, are we willing or even able to work for years or even decades to make things more civil?  Are we willing to step out of our comfort zone, admit to others that there’s a problem and begin to solve it together?  Are we willing to admit it’s not all about me and what I believe but what’s best for us as human beings?  These are questions I certainly can’t answer for anyone but me.  I know my process has begun and that it’s never too late to teach an old dog new tricks!  My hope is that it’s not too late for our next generation to learn some new tricks as well.

Selfies are an interesting phenomenon.  Back in the old days, when people had cameras, someone had to TAKE your picture and you had very little control.  Then with timers, you could get everyone set, turn on the timer and join.  One of my favorite things when we visit my in-laws is when we take the family picture.  My sister-in-law Dee sets up the camera on the tripod at the end of the room, we all gather at the other end, she sets the timer and runs.  We’ve gotten some really interesting pictures that way and lots of laughter too.  These are fun and a great way to save memories.  But for me, selfies are another thing altogether.

My perception of selfies is that they are taken by people who are really sure of themselves.  I’m not talking about the Kardashian type celebrities of the world, as I’m pretty sure that could be another blog entirely;  I’m talking about friends and acquaintances.  Those great shots when they’ve gotten a new haircut, have gotten dressed up for something special, or maybe traveled to a new place.  It’s proof that they’ve been somewhere or done something.  It’s sharing things that are exciting to them with their friends.  And I really don’t have a problem with them.  I have a big problem with me in a selfie.

Unlike my husband who just seems to have fun when taking selfies, I am very self critical.  There are very few photos of myself, even from a very young age that I like.  Some of my closest friends know, but I don’t usually share a lot of details from my childhood because they weren’t always fun.  I grew up with a mom who for whatever reason felt the need to be very “honest” with me about how I looked.  She was a pretty woman who always looked younger than she was and quite frankly, I think I looked more about my dad.  So she had to work extra hard to make me look good for school pictures and went over and over with me how I should make sure to check my hair and everything beforehand.  I can remember her telling me several times how bad my pictures were, not because of the photographer, but because I hadn’t done something more to look better.  Then of course, my teeth were too big, my nose was too “bulby”, my forehead too wide, my hair too stringy.  I would never look good in a bathing suit because my torso was too long.  As an adult, she would try to give me some of her clothes saying she had lost weight, but she thought they would fit me since I was bigger. So, needless to say, I always looked at myself through her eyes.

So, taking pictures has always been a form of torture for me unless I can hide in a bigger group.  As a teacher, I have to get one every year.  I used to try to “forget” to get mine done at one school, but my principal would come looking for me. But enough of the past, let’s get into the selfie therapy part.

It started when someone took a selfie of a small group of us and I actually smiled.  And maybe it wasn’t so bad.  And then Doug would take a few selfies of the two of us and let me choose.  And he would tell me how great I looked and I would tell him he needed glasses.  Then the pictures would show up on Facebook and someone would say “great pic” or “great looking couple”.  And I would start analyzing it.  Maybe something wasn’t as bad as I thought.  But the hardest one to do for me is the individual selfie, especially as I’m getting older.   But I’m also seeing things I like and things I’m beginning to own.  Like, I look a lot like my paternal grandmother, who I remember as being one of the kindest people I’ve ever known.  I can deal with that.  I’m beginning to see some confidence in my face in terms of who I’ve become.   I’ve earned the wrinkles and in terms of my body, it’s not where I would like to be but it is who I am right now.  And it makes me appreciate my hair stylist who masterfully makes my grey go away : )

So here’s to learning to love myself, warts and all, and when you see a selfie of me, know that the therapy is working.

I would love to say I made up this title, but I didn’t.  However, it pretty well sums up what I’ve discovered about leadership.  Please understand that I still have difficulty considering myself a leader, even though lately I seem to find myself included in rooms full of them.  For someone who is an introvert and is afraid of conflict, being selected as someone to lead anything is certainly a challenge.  And I’ve been thinking about how my role as leader has developed through stages.  In doing my research, apparently a lot of people have studied stages of leadership.  Well, this is going to be my personal little analysis, so it may not line up exactly with what the experts say, but maybe some of you can relate.

Stage 1:  Just being noticed.  My favorite character in Winnie the Pooh is Eeyore because I can identify.  I was always pretty quiet and afraid to speak up. There have been a few times in my life when someone recognized something I did and made a big deal about it (at least I thought so!).  In second grade, a little girl got sick right before a program and my teacher chose me to fill in for her singing solo at the last minute.  Wow – she thought I could do it and I did!  I was shaking in my boots, but I did it.  In high school I received an award for having the best attitude in marching band.  It was a big deal for me because it was the one award chosen only by my band director who was like a second father to me.  Then about 13 years ago, a great teacher/mentor called me into his office and asked if I would be interested in serving on the state music educators board in an appointed position.  I was so honored and excited about being asked!!  So, the beginnings of a leader is just someone noticing and encouraging you to step up and serve.  I think it’s important to share that my reaction was one of awe and excitement.  And all about how cool this was for ME.

Stage 2:  Oh shoot – now what do I do?  Reality hits pretty soon after being noticed.  People expect results.  To whom much is given, much is expected, right?  Ok, you’ve been recognized as being able to sing or for having a good attitude or having some leadership skills, so what do you do now?  You set out to prove that you were worthy of being noticed.  After all, in my case, it was still about ME.  I wanted people to like me and what I was doing and how well I could do it.  I worked hard to impress by doing all kinds of things by myself.  See how hard I work?  The problem is, you can’t make everyone happy, no matter what you do.  So, when I was elected to become president of the same board I had been appointed to earlier, I went to a trusted friend who had previously served in that position to ask for advice.  He told me that if I didn’t ruffle a few feathers, I wasn’t doing anything.  What he did was give me permission to think beyond myself and start thinking about the good of the organization and its members.  I’m pretty sure my mantra during that time was “Change is Hard”.  And it did ruffle some feathers.  And I made sure to address each of those ruffled feathers personally.  And for this introverted, conflict hating person it was HARD.  But I did it.

Stage 3:  I don’t have to do it by myself.  Surrounding myself with great people who have individual strengths and vision is the answer because I can’t do it all by myself.  Collaboration is the answer. And encouraging them and trusting them to do their job was my job.  So was encouraging them to do their job when they weren’t doing their job.  A little of the bad with the good.  But such is the life of a leader.  So, now I’m serving on a national board in a room full of leaders.  It’s definitely not all up to me!  But in a room full of leaders, we all know that there will be different perspectives and opinions.  However when you have a shared vision, or know “WHY” you serve, civil discourse and compromise is possible.

I AM a leader and I’ve discovered that great leaders CAN be made, not necessarily born.   And it is my job to serve, guide and encourage others so that we have great future leaders.  Oh, and thanks for noticing me.