“Behind every successful woman is a tribe of successful women who have her back.”

This is a quote from a friend of mine who I have the honor of serving with on a national executive board in music education.  She may have taken it from somewhere else, but it is something I’ve begun to embrace over the last several years.  You see, in the past, I have had a very difficult time trusting women at all, stemming from a lack of trust in the one woman I should have trusted most – my mother.  But this isn’t going to be about her today, but about my learning to not only trust women but to lean on and learn from them in order to continue my own growth as a successful woman.

I don’t remember this, but I was told that at a very young age, I gravitated towards men, to the point where even as a toddler, I would cry if seated on a woman’s lap, but not when with a man.  Even in school, I would have one or two best girl friends, but would again gravitate towards groups of boys.  I wanted to have adventures with them and, while not being what I would consider a tomboy, I wanted to show them I could do some of the same things they could.  In high school I would hang out with groups of guys who were more like my brothers, who by that time would even look after my well being.  They were kind and they made me comfortable as compared to girls who I was constantly comparing myself to in terms of looks or what they wore.  With them I never felt pretty enough or well dressed enough.  Let me make it clear that THEY didn’t make me feel this way, I did. If they were pretty and smart, well, I was completely intimidated, even if we were friends.

As an adult, especially as I was raising children, I found conversations with other moms lacking any mental stimulation for me.  They were wonderful women who focused beautifully on their kids and families, but I was honestly never very good at that.  I wanted a career and intellectual stimulation and again, I slipped into a comfortable place, which was with men. Looking back at it, I think I again was intimidated by women who were successful with their homes and families and I was so not that person.

But here’s the kicker.  I’ve found that some men don’t take women very seriously when it comes to wanting to become a leader, or to do something that has traditionally been done by men.  In my own state, I was only the third woman in my state music education organization to be president it its 80 year history.  When you look at corporate America, a very tiny percentage of women have made it to the top of their profession.  These women are unfortunately in an elite group and this is why we need to learn to support each other, so that other women, if they choose, can strive to be where we are.

Because of my new experiences in leadership, I’m now very aware of when men talk down to me, speaking to me as though I don’t have a clue.  There’s a certain patronizing tone of voice that some men can have when they think you just don’t understand something that now makes me crazy.  This is why it it imperative that you surround yourself with a tribe of women who get it, so that you can vent, first of all, and then get support from those who understand exactly what you’re dealing with because they deal with it too.

I’m currently watching a show called The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel which follows a young, pretty, newly single mother of two trying to get into male dominated comedy in the late 1950’s.  She struggles to get taken seriously by anyone, including her family as she strives to become independent and do her own thing.  Part of what keeps people from taking her seriously is that she is pretty and likes to dress in pretty clothes and make-up.  At one point, a successful female comic at the time tells her that “You can’t go up there and be a woman. You’ve got to be a thing.”  I think this is exactly what happens to women in leadership today.  If you look or act too much like who you are, you aren’t taken seriously in terms of leadership. So what a lot of women end up doing is trying to look and act more like men to be accepted.  We need that tribe of successful women behind us to remind us that we don’t need to do this, but to remain just who we are.

I have this wonderful picture of the women who are on this executive board and I see women from all parts of the country, with different backgrounds, levels of experience and education, specializing in different areas of music.  But I also see women who have one thing in common – a passion for music education for all, putting that passion to work serving as a leader.  Leaders who support one another and open their arms to other women who strive to be a leader as well.  I’m so grateful to my new tribe and honored to be a part of it and I hope that the women who read this will fearlessly follow their dreams, surrounded by their own tribes of successful women.