I emptied the dishwasher this afternoon and as I placed the last glass on the shelf, I realized I actually had all of the dishes put away at the same time.  Now, maybe this isn’t a big deal for you, but at my house, there are ALWAYS dirty dishes.  Sure, the boys have grown up and two are gone, but somebody is always eating or drinking here.  Having all of the dishes clean and put away at once NEVER happens.  Unless I’m home alone.

My entire life I’ve always lived with somebody, straight from my parents to my husband.  Not a bad thing, but not ever having lived alone, never having to answer to anyone but myself is something I have missed in my life.  I love my husband, love my family, but boy, once in a while, I need to be alone.  I do find myself in unfamiliar territory, however when I don’t have to consider or make decisions for anyone but me.  After many decades of having to consider everyone in terms of what I’m eating for dinner or watching on TV or when I have to be home for children after school or checking my husband’s schedule before I make plans, something as simple as where I want to pick up lunch for myself without asking anyone is a remarkably big deal.

That’s part of being married isn’t it?  The two shall become one?  Well, that’s fine and all, but what if you like beets and your spouse hates them.  What if you spouse loves fried okra but you hate it?  You end up eating green beans for every meal, that’s what happens.  You compromise and find something you both like. Unless you’re by yourself.  

A consequence of this for me, however, is binging.  Binging on the foods only I like to eat because I can.  Binging on the TV shows and movies I like to watch because I can.  You have no idea how nice it is to sit all the way through a chick flick without some male saying “you’re watching that again?”.  No mention of them watching basketball games from 10 years ago or reruns of Seinfeld.  But Pretty Woman or Steel Magnolias? Please.   

The result of living with someone for 40 years is that you depend on them for things.  Big things and little things. They check the mail or cook the meals or pay the bills or take out the garbage.  Sometimes it’s nice to remind yourself that you can still do these things, that you can be self sufficient.  That if you HAD to take care of yourself, you could.  Still not sure who would kill all of the attack spiders that occasionally make themselves at home here, but I have learned that a good dose of hairspray will kill just about anything.  So yes, I CAN take care of myself, but there would be stiff dead spiders all over the place. 

It’s not the occasional trips that Doug takes to go home or band trips that did this for me.  I always hated those, hated being by myself and always had trouble sleeping.  Well, I still have trouble sleeping by myself.  It’s actually the opportunities I have had the last 10 years or so, having to travel on my own, driving distances and staying in hotels by myself, that did this for me.  I didn’t have to share the bathroom, I could sleep on whatever side of the bed I wanted – well, not that I did, but I could!  Again, it was a chance for self sufficiency that I never had before.  Oh I tried to move out of my parent’s house while I was in college but they wouldn’t let me.  Nice girls didn’t live on their own before they got married.  (Have I mentioned I’m old – or maybe it was my parents who were old-fashioned?).  What I would tell every young woman today would be to spend some time living on their own, figuring out how to do things, learning who they are as an individual.  Don’t wait until you’re a senior citizen like me before you have the opportunities to start figuring out who you are.  It’s hard trying to do that while you’re figuring out who you are as a couple.  Not impossible, but hard.

Well, it’s after midnight on my third night alone and yes, I’m avoiding going to bed because, I admit it, I have a hard time sleeping without him.  The guy who has to sleep on the left side of the bed, who hates beets and watches endless games of basketball.  I’m so grateful to have him, but once in a while, I love being home alone.